Poems of an untold generation

poetry.

2011-06-29T23:34:00.000-07:00

A help to chance out.

Life and self doubt

The unexpected

Rear view reflected.

Opted out.

Seat belt latched.

My self the window hatched.

Act for causation.

No Breaks, please an explanation.

Marines

2011-04-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

I changed my mind, as many do.

Asvab

2011-04-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

I took the asvab today. It was a regular morning. I got gas and went and took the test. I didn't open my scores until i got home. I need a score of 50 or above to Enlist in the Airforce. I got home and opened up my letter. My score is a 48. It was disappointing but i called my recruiter and let him know. He's proud and apparently there is some hope between grading it that it will go up or down. I'm really holding on to that hope now. If i get a bad score i have to wait 30 days before i take it again. I know that if i take it again i will pass for sure but i really don't want to wait any longer. The impatience i have grows with every second. I want this, but not bad enough. I need to get my head in the game and start treating my life as if it's one in six billion. Realistically the only one who knows what your going to become is you.

i pray for a 50 and if my prayer is answered. Then this will be the first time luck has ever been by my side.

Motivation

2011-02-27T13:19:00.001-08:00

pararescue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3UlAzD5d0E part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWXCp_fgl3Q&feature=relatedpart 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQdYJv4Mebk&feature=relatedpart 3

second day

2011-02-26T09:52:00.000-08:00

This is only my second day working out, i feel great. But i'm nervous, scared and want to hide from what i'm soon going to be doing. But's because of those emotions that i want to join the air force parerescue. I want to do inside and then come back twice a strong. I want to be out of breathe fighting to survive. i want to rise above and become greater than anyone i know. I want this, and it's not going to be easy. I'm shaking from just a few simple work outs. the second guesses and the mind games are already catching up to me. they're constantly telling me to lay back and grab the bottle. constantly urging me to become nothing but a consumer hell bent on my own destruction. But i am destined for greatness. i want this more than anything and no matter what, i will not stop. I will learn what i need to become greater. i will adapt. I'm no longer going to sit around and am no longer going to put products before responsibility. I'm not joining for the money, i could care less. I want to save lives. i want to be the one they can depend on, always. I want this more than anything and nothing will stand in my way to achieve this. nothing.

airforce

2011-02-22T14:01:00.001-08:00

Excited, i see a recruiter this thursday. I have until march to decide if this is what i want.

iwtdbidwptw , live,love,life.

2011-02-15T16:36:00.000-08:00

I just can't find my way out of this paper bag.

Friendship

2011-01-20T01:27:00.000-08:00

This is why I have friends

[20:01] vnnznnsk: yeah but what's the point of this little tale

[20:02] vnnznnsk: life is beautiful dude

[20:02] vnnznnsk: that's all there is to it

[20:02] vnnznnsk: if you stop looking at life from a human perspective

[20:02] Yiesa (Kc): how can i

[20:02] Yiesa (Kc): im human

[20:02] vnnznnsk: then it's perfect

[20:02] vnnznnsk: i do all the time

[20:03] vnnznnsk: protip: shedding your ego (what makes you "human") is the point of buddhism

[20:04] Yiesa (Kc): i've been asking myself what makes me, me. lately

[20:04] Yiesa (Kc): i cannot seem to find an answer that is satisfactory to me

[20:11] vnnznnsk: well

[20:11] vnnznnsk: what is lacking

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): happiness

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): too much pressure

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): too much from society

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): family

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): get a job

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): make a career

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): i took a month off and now im apparently considered a bum in some ways

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): or thats how i feel

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): thats why i was hating on you the other time

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): cause i was jeleous and mad at my own situation

[20:14] vnnznnsk: yeah society is a drag and all

[20:14] vnnznnsk: but that's just something you can't let it drag you down

[20:14] vnnznnsk: i mean

[20:14] vnnznnsk: there's no other way

[20:14] vnnznnsk: you simply must survive

[20:14] vnnznnsk: when you accept that you can't do anything but do your best

[20:14] vnnznnsk: it's less of a burden

is this where i am?

2011-01-10T23:01:00.001-08:00

as i sit here and stare at this facebook page, i wait.
for what i don’t know, but yet at this state,
i do.
i wait for all of you.
all the people i don’t know.
all the people i do.
i hardly talk to any of you.
but i wait, i wait because this addiction has me.
wrapped up in this affliction i’m mad at me.
Mad at myself because this even exists.
cursed by my views and the way this persists.
I can’t possibly let this hold me down.
and yet i do.
I let this trample me and destroy me.
I let it run wild, i let devour me.
Late nights, the glare off my eye’s.
the tint of blue as they shine.
my soul no longer mine.
and what do i wait for?
anything, excitement, explosions, that serenity that hits me.
when i see a pop up i get giddy
like i use too when i was young.
as if i’m on a roller coaster ride curved only by everyone else’s events.
strapped in for the ride of my life sittin pretty because nobody knows who i am.
sure i go outside i meet new people, i like to know the world.
but when life gets too fast i tend to slow down.
“let me out!” i scream for attention ” let me go!”
who would create such an invention.
And yet i stay glued to this screen that has me baffled beyond all belief.
i’ve no soul, only a puppet controlled.
i’m too far gone “i don’t want to be here!”
i’m too far out ” don’t let me escape!”
I call out to you, but no one hears me.
I call out to me, the silence hears me.
what have i become?
I’ve lost my imagery.
I’ve lost my soul.
I’ve lost everything thats made me whole.
where do i go and where do i begin?
how can i make this right again?
who am i?
who was i?
who do i want to be?
I’m lost in frustration.
scared of this damnation.
what do i do?
Help wanted.
help needed.
help…

been there done tha...

2011-01-03T11:59:00.000-08:00

So i've created a world and i need to keep it alive but before i can begin on what i've started i need to put and end to what i've become accustomed to. I've grown and prepared myself to be upfront and to be in the situation. But lately i've been turning my back on reality and delving into what i love to escape in. I use to use what ever means to escape and though back then i was forced out into the light where i would often stay, it's different now. Now i wish to stay away lock myself inside and wait for tragedies to pass over. I want to fulfill my promise to myself and others but i'm so locked away, and i like it. I want to find balance in what i've become. I want to experience life but on my terms. But i need to learn how to change my terms into something more of who i want to be and what i really want to do. I said before i've created a world and it's up to me to keep it alive. it's been 3 days since i put pen to paper and i've almost forgot about it. I can't forget because this world is what defines my imagination currently. It's what's giving me hope that i can change and that i can become something greater. For years i've played the same tune and wrote the same words and copied my own lyrics. But this new world is something different. My imagination has grown, it's soaring through what i've known and flipping it upside down. My inspiration is from a dream, because there i have the most vivid of memories and adventures. I often have nightmares that i'm no longer afraid of but go the distance to go too far and yet, i awake with happiness. I often dream, i often see things no one else can imagine, i can smell it, feel it, and caress the wonderful colors around me and yet they soon enough drift away as i awake. There's more to unlocking my imagination but i need to explore what its given me for if i don't it will become lost forever. I need to change my habits to a more constructed life style. I need to get a hold of myself and realize what i've done and what i should be doing. For too long i've been lost in the imagination of others playing games and reading books. But now, now is the time i wish to perform the same addictive act upon so many. I wish to delve you into the world i've created, i want you to love it, hate it, cherish it, and weep at it. I want you to enjoy it with every emotion you have and i want you to be the most distraught you've ever been but when you read that last page i want tears of joy to fall from your eyes. I want you to thoroughly engage yourself and open up. I want you to believe what i've written and i want you to want me to write it. Help me, love you.

You don't get to do this.

2010-12-26T16:56:00.000-08:00

My heart aches, feet cold.

This room was warm, I'm now freezing.

One phone call sent that chill down my spine.

I should have known that it was to good to be mine.

I should have known not to try.

I feel weak, spirit shattered.

Thrown into a dimension where nothing mattered.

Not a thing I could do, not a thing I could say.

Because what I do doesn't matter anyway.

I could try and win you back but there's no point I've lost.

I don't get it.

So cold with all these layers on.

It's like ice has covered my being.

No amount of warmth could ever bring me back.

But what should I do now?

Do I say go away?

Do I just leave them all behind?

Is it them that I define?

Or I who they define.

Do I try to fill the emptiness inside me again?

Do I devoid myself?

What do I do now?

Do I stop caring, should I stop being so kind?

It always ends up the same way.

I really am destined to be alone.

Just like my father,where are you?

From one problem to the next.

Every time i'm always had.

Why do you get to do this?

I don't understand, too nice, too mellow.

I wont ever be your man.

Chopping block

2010-12-12T00:56:00.001-08:00

It's not that i haven't been able to nor have i lost my will to do what i love. It's that i haven't brought myself to do it. Simple, i can't stop thinking and i never really stop to think. :)

This side of me.

2010-10-30T23:49:00.000-07:00

So much to take, how?:

There is so much I can do.

So much to think about.

Everybody but you.

Too much to drink about.

Too often to think.

What will happen, what will I do?

What could happen, what am I to you?

It's too late, its's always too late.

Every second I wait, every moment that passes me.

Too late.

The stop, the thought, the writers block, the chalk, pen to paper.

Will I ever date her?

Will it happen?

To leave these poems undone.

The stress always there yet, not the face of me it hide behinds.

No, the face of me is quite content.

Everything I do I normally don't question.

But really, should I ought to? for my own lesson?

Look at me lieing through my teeth.

Written a thousand poems, only one explains me.

But not what you think.

One can be a whole, a half is not one.

To make sense there isn't none.

That's the point, philosophy.

Is it really a part of me?

Do I really believe in this existential art I see?

This picture on the wall looking back at me.

Like a mirrior screaming, " Do you like what you see!?"

How often does this world always make it seem like your not cut out to be and unfit to see.

Well, its societies propriety.

It's hysterically, unbearably , it's heresy but wait.

Is this what I see to believe?

The icing so sweet?

When can I achieve?

Will I ever stop?

Will i ever eat too much?

Can I die?

Will this life let me survive?

But how?

After everything i've been through?

But how?

After all i've discovered, there is no you?

This "You" I speak of.

This " You" I idolize?

No, this time it's me.

I exist and you faded.

In with the new, that you created.

Are you happy now?

Does it make a difference?

If I stop being you will I be me?

And if I stop being me will I be you?

Stop.

Last words, im dreaming now.

Causes, I'm bleeding now.

Internal, external?

Your dead, am I?

But if I'm dead, are you?

What are the values?

What are our differences?

Why am I here?

Why did I or you ever come here?

Did I choose, or did you?

Are these my psychological views?

psych 101

2010-10-12T17:22:00.001-07:00

I wrote this in philosophy today cause i was getting pretty angry at my psychology questions and the way they were worded...
Through results does an accusation really belong to be this long by adding more diverse words into a sentence which adding more syllables for you to use that is considered a great question by creating an extensive meaning that complicates what's asked to create a harder way of cognition that the embezzled answer must be 50/50 which is represented by, what, which, that, through, and by, that creates an unbelievable, astonishing question that becomes so ridiculous that if asked, the answer is the only thing that does not come to mind. explain ?
seriously..

Weary, I soar.

2010-08-19T23:57:00.000-07:00

Weary, I have fallen many times but never have I not been able to get up. It is almost my birthday, yet I choose to let it pass as if it does not concern me. I am vulnerable and confused, much like anyone else my age. I jump to so many decisions; I just don’t know what I should do with my life. There are so many choices, so much to do.

I have fallen into a rut of luxury. I wish to get out but comfort, like a snake luring eve, i am tricked. To be honest, I wish to travel the world, have an adventure of my own. Too many times have I played many games and read many books, I want to not only feel adventure but live it. Too much have I sat in this chair of defeat and luxury. It has made me weak for the world. For I am afraid of thought, afraid of learning and afraid of losing what I already know.

I have contemplated much suicide but it does not do my soul justice. I do not want to die in ignorance of this world. I do not want to see the end, for this should bring my current journey to a close. Finding myself is my destiny. I have already found how to love, how to indulge and how to hate. For these are what guilty pleasures are made of. This paper is running out of lines but I will not stop until my conclusion has arrived. I have indulged in the pleasures of love and hate with selfishness in mind.

I am young, “You stand while we sit, you still have the energy”. My coach would say. So I stood, I stood proud, strong and with others in mind. But since then I have failed to stand up. Too often have I been blessed with comfort, I want to stand. I want to feel my legs again I want to brace my arms as I’m flying through the air. I just wish to feel alive again, I’ve been dead for so long. My selfishness has overwhelmed me. I am insensitive to those who choose paths that are not like my own. I get angry when confronted with a challenge and worst of all, I refuse to change.

Life as I sit back on it doesn’t stop. It flows until it reaches the ocean. For me to reach the ocean I must unblock this path of thorns and try to escape the evils of society. Though I must use society to my advantages, only then can I reach the ocean. But I have said that too much and now is the time to choose which sewer will lead me to enlightenment. I am afraid, deathly afraid of what path I should take because in this analogy I’d rather not become societies drinking water, cornered into a 9 to 5 existence.

All in all, I wish to find what path I’m looking for. To do so I must stand and this time my friends cannot help me, because I need to learn what it’s like on my own again. In my life I have truly only chosen one thing, that decision lead me to rise above and become known as a leader. Once you go where nobody knows you, you begin to think back on those choices and the happiness that had occurred. I have not stood in four years, I was lifted so I could see what I strive for. As I’m being dropped, I must learn to fly. I must learn to face death, my fears and I must banish the thought of losing my knowledge. This is just the start, I’ve learned how to fall, so when will I start flying?

son and shade.

2010-06-21T22:04:00.001-07:00

A simple poem lies in the wakes of those who conquer only speech.

Those who truly think, think vividly.

Like ice in the blazed morn of mid afternoon.

My heart melts like a heart felt letter.

By the time blue skies pass and the stars scream of their most interesting adventures.

The light has already passed..

A shadow i have become, beyond the shadows son.

Life with all its blues and greens paints only the blues with me...

The yellows that scream needs, far-fetched the red bleeds.

Off the couch i hallucinate dreams of virtue.

I trip mad science while I breathe dust.

Till the light comes and the day seizes me.

I breathe.

What life has done to me.

2010-06-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

EDIT: i'd like to point out that now that i read this over, it's a little too over the top and isn't my best work. haha

Warning, Cuss words and abusive phrases follow.

As sad as one can be.

I, am my own enemy.

I fall asleep to awake late to my day.

I try to slumber but my eyes, open they stay.

When dreaming, stress condemns me, my life offends me.

I chase a high that doesn't exist.

One you couldn't understand let alone get the jist.

I've got a fucking problem.

It's what I see.

What I perceive to be me.

worse than them.

I see reality as it convicts me and continues to restrict me from the way I wanna be.

Addicting, the high I chase.

That golden serenity, that feeling, a base.

The building tall, lined with padded walls.

Cliff jumpin, Splish splash, music Bumpin.

My mind like a merrygoround horses blitzin.

My face blitzed in.

My future as speed racer till the smack requires a pace maker.

Dreams, hopes, idols, heroes and gods.

Little boys screaming cross world playin COD.

My life's a reality, not a game, no joke.

So fucken step outa me, go home, get choked.

The true passion revolves around desperate times.

Thoughts of suicide, you master through desperate rhymes.

'Cause you ain't playin around.

Cussin and rhyming so you don't end up a ditch in the ground.

So get lost punk and leave me be.

I'll fucken crack your neck open and make you bleed.

Back up, step up, shut up, 'cause your life means nothing to me.

Now the real heart shows, the man with bow and arrows.

Real lives shatter, real blood spatter.

You think your tough cause you can rhyme "Me" with "Soliloquy"? well guess what, you just met the best part of me.

The fucking god damn art of me, the heart of me.

so sit down and relax while i relapse and cure my mind.

No! fuck you spine. that delicious taste that made our race hate us.

Now step back and relax son, " Tip the needle" watch daddy do how it's done.

You tired yet?

Live life real to the feel of my finger tips.

Blood, sweat, tears, poor through these whores lips.

Crooked smiles, nothin but a dial tone.

The sound you hear as eggs go over easy.

Thats right bitch get down and please me.

Another record yet won. Say what, rap is done?

Fuck ya'll niggas who think you got talent.

Ask yourself who your doing it for, you fucking gallant.

I do this shit for me because it keeps me alive.

Because depression eats me alive.

A walking shadow is how I feel, So step back and kneel.

Get mad, you million dollar sell outs.
Everybody using lady gagas coke inspired talentless dreams and Tpains octaves as bail outs.

Find your own shit or produce something new.

Take a chance on a nigga who's still foolproof.

Don't take the hollywood way, which destroys it's own genre through creating a childs macrame.

Step up be loud get your voices Heard!

Or this world we live in will always be obsured.

As sad as one can be.

I, am my own enemy.

ARGH!

2010-05-16T23:32:00.001-07:00

Argh argh agh argh!!!!! Life you better figure your self out!

In other news " stop the world, im getting off here "

ugh, life. how not to endure...

2010-05-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

Car broke down today, needs a new fuel pump. there goes $300.

anyway grandmas letting me borrow hers, bless her soul. thank you grandma !! :D

defeat

2010-04-30T22:49:00.001-07:00

There is only so much sympathy in the world, after all some times you just need to suck it up and move on. Live your life the way it was intended to be and become a proud member of society. Stop living to receive and become a part of this, Believe.

Man, Honest 4/26

2010-04-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Not in the mood.

Reasons for reason.

The treason bestowed.

The life we owed.

Humble regrets.

Technical fowls.

Modest bets on not so wise owls.

So why pitch this idea to me?

As if its the key.

To lead one on.

I fear to be gone.

Hope lasts, regrets gleaming.

Only myself you see me being.

I cannot change, have not changed.

I will not show and will not go.

So why doth the wind just blow?

How cursed are the marks and scars?

How beloved are our things and cars?

Why must we provide a cushion beneath our psyche?

To convince people that they need these things to " like me "

Unheard of consumerism lasts as far as we will go.

Lost sanctums, indigenous capitalism cities raised, now low.

The eras lost between time.

Only what is left is not mine.

For possession of and mine you will never be.

But only on your own you may claim me.

I must comply for then we'd be each others.

To raise one of us, just like our mothers.

summer thoughts in winter

2010-04-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

4/20/10

As simple as the wind

Attributes scathed, riots paved

Laminant cards, sun gleams fresh glare

Color rich, vibrant waves dance against the sky

Blue dye cast, blue sky vast

Winter shuns the warm ones

Light turned to fog, shallow rays, clouds condemning

do frozen, sounds beneath your feet

Pause of deliberation before they meet

step on, fence posts snow shaved high

Breath before you lingers, hands cold

Dull motion and crystallized trees

zapped color, a cold breeze

autumn before this, good bye spring leaves

as simple as the wind

attributes scathed, riots unpaved

lush green fields of blue grass in november

year round the town i lived in was a town to remember

flat tire raised along with bonfire sheraids

The smoke high, sun glistening

you can touch the sky keep listening

oak trees climb the blue

looking over them i've said good bye

Thoughts, contemptuous rampage of beautiful reality

our reality

as simple as the wind

Laminant cards, sun gleams fresh glare.

All i've ever been

2010-04-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

i guess the reason i drag my feet so much is because i realized long ago that nobody cares about what i do

which is why i can get away with so much

the only reason i did good last year

was because i was doing it to stick with my friends

and become part of something

and now that im part of it

the motivation is gone

and the will for me to succeed has ceased to exist

i've driven myself into a hole...

i miss this

2010-04-15T22:54:00.001-07:00

From Drop Box

who's that?

2010-04-10T19:49:00.001-07:00

my good friend rena :D

From Drop Box

Honestly

2010-04-09T00:13:00.001-07:00

Dear school

I wish I never knew you. You've brought me so much in my life time, you've given me everything I've desired from you. But today, I no longer wish to be apart of what you really are. The thoughts I've conceived under who you've been and the actions I've taken to dismay you are unforgivable. Don't forgive me, I don't wish to be with you any longer. The pressure you provide and the shades of gray you've become have greatly lessoned my appreciation for what you've given me. The way you are now is no longer what you were then. I no longer feel attached to you, much like most of my time with you, I often thought this behind your back. For many years you've put this unyielding pressure upon me. They say its healthy to exercise your mind, that may be true but it certainly never ever feels that way. The last time we had fun together was over a year ago and I can firmly say, I'm spent. I cannot handle the puns, the hypocrisy, the idiocy, the immature lectures, the talking down too. The feeling of acceptance only goes so far with you. After awhile, you begin to wear on people. Some cannot not handle your pressure and I am beginning to see why. Though to quit has never been what I do best. Although I want to beyond belief. I wish that we could have a break. I want so much to be away, I even think of cheating. As if I could quit you and and begin the relationship I want with my GED. The job I already have and the attitude I bare are enough to get me through more than you know. But you cannot see past this because you are as naive as when we first got together. You assume I have much to learn when in reality I have already learned as much as you have provided. You treat me as if I'm lesser than you to portray how transfixed you are with your self. You act as if I know less than you've already taught and for this I cannot forgive. I have seen the brighter side of you and I have seen the dark as well. But now, I wish to see the sky, for I am done with that umbrella you've been holding over me since we began this relationship. I want to grow passed you, I want to prove you wrong in every way. I hate you now, I hate what you represent and with my own words I will destroy you out of spite. I will show you how it feels to learn what I have learned and to learn again what you've taught me. I will cripple you and move on. I will begin my life anew and I will feel amazement for myself. I wish to be rid of you. I'm Sorry, for this relationship has come to a halt, you can no longer offer what I desire, for my selfish whims are too strong. I yearn for more than you could ever imagine and because of this I have already moved on. Right now I have just been waiting for a good time to stop you in your stride, so I could gently thank you for all you've done. During my thanking I will mention how immature you really are and how common you have become. I'll explain how you have not changed since the day we've met and as the tears stream down your smooth face I will tell you how much I've grown. I will hold your hand no longer, as if being led by a child to my doom. I will tell you to your face as you gasp for those little breaths of air, " I'm sorry but your not what I thought you were".

And I will move on. As you cry out for my soul. I will move on, just like the rest of them. I will be gone and you will have tainted another life with your greedy hands.

honestly and sincerely

Casey L. Jarrell

Pretty pretty

2010-04-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

Oh beautiful, sun shines sunlight.

Stars seen, light obscene.

Night cold, our hearts warm.

Oh beautiful.

just a quote

2010-03-31T22:15:00.000-07:00

i took this from a friend. Jake Swain.

" I have an idea of what the purpose of consciousness is, not life or the purpose of the universe, but i think that consciousness is the seemingly inanimate universe reaching out to know itself. To see itself in all it's glory "

Definition

2010-03-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

Cotton weaved fantasies.

A lie, a lie.

Burned.

I need a dictionary.

This worlds to small.

The dust to hard to breathe.

My nose plugged arms wrapped around me.

Can't find the inspiration I desire.

Lost, the coals not on fire.

Keep dreamin, society wails.

Keep being, my body tells.

Through thought and through isolation.

You just give up, put everything down.

Little hope stirs in the ocean.

Dark blue waves have crashed my sails.

A white flag is all I've got left.

These clouds, the heavenly features, rain poors, my mind theft.

Statements you believe built to deceive but through them I see.

Just how depressing this world is to me.

To live life free, impossible.

To take what I can get and to give what I can take, plausible.

Stuffy wood, cracked dried seems, and pitch dark air.

The world we open our eyes to is not there.

To wonder through darkness till the lights on.

To fall and stumble, it's what we've built our world for.

If only you could see your dreams.

If only this world wasn't so clean.

Cotton weaved fantasies.

A lie, a lie.

Burned.

The Foundation

2010-03-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

A lot has gone by of which I pay little attention.

The pivotal excuse is the price of my ascension.

I disguise activities to fool my mind.

Relentlessly I follow an empty road.

No road lays before me.

A books pages fly back and forth.

The wind reads, the chapters passed on.

The life span and through man life is passed on.

The story told although none may be true.

A man with a book written for few.

The book written about anything one desires.

Man could not take it, a test was made.

Man through knowledge and through spite could not fathom.

The stories foretold of a book about everything.

Man failed, the author insane, for these blank pages he explained.

" You are too weak, too thorough, you've all lost sanity. what a pity, humanity ".

He went about his days as the book was forgotten.

The only sane man his deeds forgotten.

His book, still out there with one secret.

On the hard cover back it says " all's beginning"

His book you see was about imagination. Every author since writes in this mans pages. The only sane man left is on blank pages.

There she lay

2010-03-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

The deepest sigh.

The regret.

The thoughts of contempt travel through your veins.

Nothing but alibis.

Thick batter of excuses, Denied.

Is there only one or may I choose?

Dead leaves flake beyond the sky.

Stars illuminate, but why?

Trees cold, branches clash.

Ground full of leaves at last.

Summer days and spring nights.

Heat waves and amber lights.

Smoke rises through the laughter.

Quiet still, the morning after.

Calling time machine

2010-03-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

Inconsiderate and intolerable.

No longer the will.

No longer the faith.

Beyond selfish acts and the cape of insanity.

To dorm through life coping with humanity.

The perception of indulgence.

The flawed ignorance.

An unequal weight weighs on the heavy soul.

No for none, the abundance of specialties.

The pent house dreams built by weaker means.

The layers of people we lay on.

The measures taken to deceive our fellow man.

With disgust we ignore it and live by ourselves.

Consciously here, though blind when awake.

We wait for fear, our lives they will take.

Living by us is but only a means to grasp the world by them.

To live and to congregate.

The groups weave.

Inconsiderate retaliation of our ignorant brotheren.

The leave of absence of our minds and all because of the capitalistic world that we call home.

The world may be free, but ignorance will forever surround us.

The beauty in words have been lost.

The world now is no longer about pride.

Or maybe it never was.

But the materialistic fashion in which our desires are based, only create and further a more empty hole in our souls.

Because we are human, the earth cries.

Because we are human, reality is not perceived.

Because we are we, we will always be deceived.

The world we know is different than the one we wake to.

We do not exist but to destroy and leave behind the wake that others must overcome.

We are selfish, we are ignorant, We are human.

Nobodys

2010-02-28T23:52:00.001-08:00

surrounded by thoughts of refusal.

Where's the drive, where's the ignition?

Brain, argues.

How is it that it seems like i care for someone else more than myself.

How is it that i just don't care.

I want to know the answers but i don't have the will to find out.

I'd like to know who's that at my door but my body is glued to the floor.

My hair falls out.

The grey spreads thin.

A conscious being of being conscious within.

The thoughts of true mediation.

The point of false relation.

The joke of perception.

The worlds correction.

The leader no longer leads.

The peoples mouths bleed of stupidity.

The true warriors gone.

The tech war on.

The fascist state.

The trapezial mind rape.

The recognitioned fate.

The lustrous superficial black-male date.

The interpretor shot.

The days where all see eye to eye gone.

The corporational thieves.

The capitalistic greed.

A world built on the so called America.

Deep in our constitution, the right to bare arms.

The capital world built perfectly.

Born to be sedentary.

No revolutions, no causes just.

Just human greed and lust.

The curves of our legislature.

The stupid waves of citizens.

The difference in monarchy.

The field of hierarchy.

The place where we die.

The beginnings end.

The lie behind it all.

To protect the bruises when we fall.

The clash of clad pasts and the darwinian exposure.

The home of the brave and land of the free.

You people are sucking the life out of me,

The lies, the curious endeavors.

The checks that bounce.

The quality of your soul.

The character of your kindness.

Everybody rude, nobody gets it.

The capital world wants you to forget it.

We die, we cry, we lie, and nothing happens.

We breath, we'eve eyes, we live and nothing happens.

The stuttering thought of air waves.

The beached whales, that's suicide.

They choose when to die.

The tangent slipping.

Micromanagement gripping.

The minds appalled.

The world beautiful, if only we weren't we, it could still be.

The effort lost for our selfish need.

sclera. 2/19/10

2010-02-25T19:59:00.000-08:00

An already tired soul

Heart reduce to coal

Skin that of leather

Eyes crazed like weather

Fall often Springs

The giant nomadical phone rings

Your head contemplating

Everything, irritating

Pure of heart instigating

Cold now never relating

Time coming to a close

People your own foes

hate, hate, hated

wait, wait, weighted

Lost and found.

Picture with words. Third floor.

2010-02-11T23:04:00.000-08:00

I've got a real passion for this stuff. wrote this today in english and didn't get caught. I like this new style I've started, its like taking a breath of the freshest air after hopping out of a shower. No matter the setting, as long as I can paint it and have people see it in their own way through my words then that makes my technique and writing style complete. I'm not saying this is a new writing style, just saying that I like using it.

I don't know what I'm thinking.

Constant attack.

Dirt, my past recollective.

My mind feeble, my heart weak.

White noise clouds my voice.

The center of the screen black.

The sun rise, shadows hollow like wind.

The power of light moves my hair ever so slightly.

The couch I waste away on.

The seams broken, my skin pale.

My eyes wonder with doubt, tracing the outline of shadows.

Bags full, my chest heavy, hands weak.

Eye brows waved, the darkness dilated.

Shirt stained, flies curious.

Suede shoes gleam to the right.

The light although bright, my shoes tattered.

Many miles in the past, my pant legs wet with disaster.

The fences I've climbed, the walls I've scaled.

My shoes, barbed wire, my body failed.

This couch once seated three.

The only cushion on it now is me.

My eyes dry with sorrow.

Skin, dirt holds my scabs together as my scabs hold me.

My skin tight, scars never mending.

My past, these thoughts never ending.

The grass outside, yellow and pale as I am.

weeds flourish, seeds contradict the blue sky.

Heat waves swallow the white fluff.

The disastrous flower carried across the street.

My eyes, my eyes, blood thick painted across them.

White noise screams at my body.

The light withers away.

eyes closed, blood no longer running.

body white, the sun glows.

curtains wide, my heart disposed.

Forever my last sunset, shadows cast.

The only life i ever lived, done at last.

Second floor.

2010-02-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

For people, what people, who people, see.

As if something has changed inside of me.

I'm mad and mad at the same time.

to only be mad means to outwardly express.

which, i don't.

I can't.

but lately, i can.

The embers that are my heart have only burned to ashes.

wind roars through my body.

Cynicism.

Cynical.

A cynic is what i feel myself becoming.

Worthless, life to me now, the meaning is truly changing.

My meaning is truly changing.

How could i change so much.

Hope to hopeless.

As if there's two sides of me now.

There's me and everything i stand for.

Then there's me who questions everything i stand for.

I question reality, i question, faith, i question gravity, i question life, i question steel, i question sight, i question priests, i question oil, i question fact, i question opinion, i question childhood, i question your mind, your past.

I question how karma doesn't exist, why life purposefully has no meaning, why it is our responsibility to live.

The only thing i truly enjoy beyond belief, is sleep.

Silence. There's nothing to achieve, there's nothing to believe.

There's nothing.

I enjoy living nothing, does this mean i enjoy not living?

52 button panel. first floor.

2010-02-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

Meet the world, meet me.

Greet the people, greet me.

Sing with me, dance with me.

Let me serenade you.

Notes, soft like air, kiss at your ear.

Your soul glowing, your face an apple red.

Your smile as cute as can be.

Eyes as deep as ever, so beautiful.

Meet me, meet the world.

Greet me, greet people.

Dance with me, sing with me.

Let me serenade you.

bound with thorns.

2010-01-27T16:45:00.000-08:00

The mist, the hue, the rain.

The judge of a sentence.

Forced repentance.

The out line of your character.

Drawn to life scale.

To peal your self from reality.

The rain, sleet, it's hail.

Formed, shapes of mass. Calculated, measured cast.

Your vessel, theatric. The story vast.

Though pages drag on through curious journeys.

Wrinkled and soaked. the book torn.

Lifes travels, narrative lost, thrown away.

The book pleading and begging, screaming.

Tossed from the highest cliff.

Into the deepest river.

It sits now bound and written.

On a rock it waits.

A cellphone, messages from another generation.

Walkie-talkies spoken to, messages received.

The book found years later a man cannot believe.

Though, the pages are empty, ink wiped away.

At the back of the book a picture of whom.

Transition, transition.

A man dies to save his loved ones.

A son gone mad, a mother committed suicide.

A daughter home, raising a boy of three alone.

A fathers wishes turned to hell.

his death for nothing. A boy now 24.

His sister, cancer took.

This boy lives on.

His father an author.

The last book missing, gone.

Alone he finds the satisfaction.

Alone he finds his drive.

Alone he does it all.

Yellow, sands of time wave through the air.

The stars of night blind me as I stare.

Too late to read, closing the book to say.

"I think this is all I can handle for the day".

Walking home I listen to the grass whistle and the wind sing.

I pay close attention to nothing and enjoy my being.

Cold air sweeps the sweat from my pores.

A delightful chill cruses through my veins.

A smile glistens as I close my eyes.

Footsteps my own, rocks beneath my souls.

A slight trip, my eyes open and towards home.

The house, two stories. White as snow.

One light on, the kitchen glows.

My hand reaches for the door, the smell caressing my neck.

The Fire lunging at me, the smoke fills my lungs.

I awake on the floor dieing, crawling.

My eyes blood shot, body in shock.

Smoke creeping under the door.

My fate sealed, I cannot move.

I close my eyes and look at the stars.

I breathe deep to end my suffering.

Tar, build up in my lungs.

The heat wrapping itself around me.

Suffocating, I pass out as if thrown into space.

The building burns to the floor.

The place 'non'-existent.

Hugging my only pillow I weep. It rains, I've no home. Cold, my face wet. City, as forgiving as god yet as terrifying as death.

No home, no eyes, no body. Rest.

one eye calling.

2010-01-25T23:39:00.000-08:00

Justification, the cause to meaning means to give definition.

Pixel shaded dust screams passed before me.

The colors ringing loud, " Black and white."

White noise hisses beneath my skull.

The water blue, only my eyes above.

castles raised, clouds falling.

Lead, white, faces drowning.

Heavy rain presses on the soul.

Walking, sluggish mode hints at deprivation.

Windows shallow, hidden stories fold.

Explosions of grey.

Beautiful fields of grass, you run and fall.

A grass hopper at your nose.

A smile, generosity, it hops away.

The clay you've mashed and stoved.

It is the world you bare and hold.

Much like the speaker at your drum.

It molds you to move, physically, mentally.

Distracts you, distracts the insanity.

The feeling of calm and collective.

Self medication and protected.

Pain. Frustrations only cure.

The cuts, the scrapes, the bruises.

To keep sane, we all do this.

For pain to resolve your emotional issue.

Enjoyment means madness but to know what helps is self medication.

Layers of belief rule the morals you behold.

Justification. You are taught how to justify.

After this we recognize on our own.

Some seek, some die, some speak, others lie.

The mind, like a grid, plains never ending.

Plots everywhere, memory access, always pending.

As if someone wants to take the seat out from under me. Never sitting still, can't trust the world. Always ready to stand, too ready to fight.

No path, no host.

2010-01-21T21:42:00.000-08:00

Falling prey to the traps of my mind.

To suborn my life through decline.

Words are easily spoken, actions condemning.

Morals upside down, i think i might go back to what im suppose to be use to.

To use, to use, does not mean abuse.

Life lived, life breathed, pain.

How, now, brown, cow?

To who, you, a few, which knew?

As simple as the chicken pocks rewinding comes backward clocks.

Ridiculous, sulfurace, instantaneous recollection.

Melting floors, robbers run, winners die.

Planes crash, swimmers swim, and people get high.

Wavy, lazy, flammable, Inflammable, Ha!

To fire set my hand, blue flames like dust.

Wishes, wells, water, rust.

The constitutional right to lust.

The choice, not free, to perceive, not me.

No clouds in thine eyes for this smoke makes me see.

How, now, brown, cow, what does this mean to me.

Pathologically redeemed, the stress, it seemed.

Ceiling gone, feeling gone, eyes wide as the doors of heaven.

Golden gates black and wavy eyes stoned.

Body dead, life passed, smile here, frown there.

Cold air breathes between the house, body missing.

Plad days run through hazel rays of blight.

The ruins of what was could only be who is.

Through these eyes, missing the stress free environment.

A laugh now, a smile slapped across the face, " how ignorant ".

Tears fly like F1 Bombers.

People pass under in fear. Nothing happens.

Crows land, crows land.

I'm awake, " Hello, my name is Casey "

My mind.

2010-01-11T22:11:00.000-08:00

Medows of thick darkness.

Clouds plague the sea.

Rainstorms fight wind currents unbeknown to me.

Green leafs and summer storms.

Blue sky's yet dust is prominent.

Mirrors reflect, subconscious dominant.

Fear storming the houses of the free.

Killing the used and weak for ransom.

All for a fee a hell bent handsome.

Rain drops off ruble, mud curious.

Faces soaked in blood, doors see through.

A man to his left, " concealment not cover, they can see you"!

Another dead body hits the floor.

What is it that we have to learn to win this war?

sundays

2010-01-10T22:07:00.000-08:00

Childhood in my back seat, the trunk full of lego's

Tool box to my right see, people waving hello's

Sad and sorry it's all i've ever been

eyes blinded, mind reminded full of past memories

Me jumping off bridges hanging with my dad

Driving away eyes full of tears

Brain screaming through thoughts of past years

Choked up not blinking trying to see the road can't stop thinking

How years fly by with hello's and goodbyes

Childhoods gone living life ahead. and to believe i once thought i'd be better off dead.

Stuck in between parallels of walls that go on forever waiting to realize that nothing will come by and pick me up, never.
The years of intolerance are over. I know now what i couldn't believe then.

Wake up, un fuse with the somatization realize reality and all it's realizations.

I'm the only one holding my hand and right now im about to drop you

the cliff too high, the cliff too high.

Synergy, Lost.

2010-01-01T23:43:00.001-08:00

Why does it grab my heart so.

This weary pain haunts me.

But I know I'll never let it go.

Losing my hair and my mind

" why does it grab my heart so"

It's there, my energy within me, intertwined.

I've lost myself completely.

" But I know i'll never let it go"

Insane ever so neatly.

At least I know who I am.

" Losing my hair and my mind"

But who knows maybe I'm a scam.

I can't tell if this is me or who I want to be.

" It's there, my energy within me, intertwined"

The difference being me, is myself actually.

Confused and struck by lighting backwards.

" I've lost myself completely"

Hands raised, " Just take it"! said with violent words.

No push, no effort, on the ground crying.

" Insane ever so neatly"

Frustrated, so mad at myself, lying.

A vessel harnessing the power of the sun.

" At least I know who I am"

If I can't find myself then the day for everyone is done.

Found it!

2010-01-01T03:12:00.001-08:00

there it is! it's been missing for such a long time!!! how could i ever live with out you motivation, there's just no way :D

To Cathy, Love your guts!

2009-12-30T02:24:00.000-08:00

walking by walls of light.

Film reels scroll through mindsets and days delights.

Each story different some films never ending.

Some stay still, others, pictures pending.

Changing, moving delightfully through.

Stopped, beauty entranced my mind.

A soft and Beautiful fulfillment of light purged and intertwined.

a picture of you, Stars above the sky.

eyes melting with joy, but why?

questions that can't be answered, who?

why on earth, the stars paint words, love, you.

down on earth, the films start a fire.

my heart, choked up, the wait, my mind set with desire.

Influential words, my knees cracked to the ground.

Hands steady holding my body up, courage i've found.

Standing again, the fires no longer appear.

only picture of you on each wall my hearts near.

Sitting, waiting, watching the stars as the films roll by.

I will never have to worry because you'll never say goodbye.

what is

2009-12-27T00:58:00.000-08:00

What is human philosophy?

What is self control?

What are ethics?

How is our reality perceived?

What is reality?

Without rules reality wouldn't exist.

Without existence there would be peace.

with peace there would be nothing.

With nothing lies emptiness.

With emptiness lies sadness.

Within sadness resides within complex emotions.

Complex emotions are our fabric of reality.

With out it we have no reality.

Reality is defined by what we perceive as real.

We Lie, That is human Philosophy.

how insane?

2009-12-27T00:35:00.000-08:00

I remember the dream I had. I had only done about 30 min of sleeping before I had a nightmare. In the dream I remember being in a white room. I don't remember where but i do remember the intensity. I was standing wide eyed and smiling. It started out with me worrying about something, I remember smiling, I looked mad, crazed even. it was like my eye lids were gone, as if I was intensely staring into space. My body was still and all was quiet as i stood. The stress started to come in waves, my body shuttered but stood still. Sweat dripped from the creases of my brain. my body felt heavy with an insane amount of pain. The first voice said something, I couldn't remember what. He spoke as if I were the epitome of dirt. He was joined by others. They were all talking inside my head. I had no control after the others joined. I started to breathe heavy. The group of more than 20 screaming was now anything absurd. I was alone staring off into space. My face was smiling, head tilted, eyes open. I started to laugh in fear with pain. I heard all of their voices in my head. The pain was so intense that i went absolutely insane, laughing. At that point of the dream I was half awake scared out of my mind. My head tilted back in that white space of nothingness as my mouth opened and closed with crazed laughter. That nothingness then became an immediate black. My brain exposed, tears poured from my mind and the sweat from my brain dripped from the sides of my head. Suddenly stricken with real pain and real fear I stopped laughing. A hand came from no where and grabbed my brain. There was no person attached to the arm. It gripped my brain so tight I wanted to scream but couldn't. My mind was now conscious and I was awake, I was rolling back and fourth. The hand was making me. I was conscious and awake, it continued to shake me. The pain was intense, my mind was throbbing. The people screaming from the time it grabbed me. I didn't know what to do, I was awake but felt like I was still being controlled. I went mad in my dream and completely insane. While awake i had to tell myself that nothing existed just to make the voices stop. I realized i was in control after awhile and I sat up. I looked around my room, then at my clock. I had only been asleep for 20 minutes. At first i thought I was insane. Now, i can barely remember.

it is

2009-12-27T00:30:00.000-08:00

Attitude displays knowledge and benevolence is the key to true happiness.

Life will, life will

Never come to us.

Life will, life will.

Always rely on lust.

Life will, life will

Kick you when your down

Life is, life is

Every verb and noun.

where does the truth lie as it sleeps sleeps running?

Greatness, where does it come from?

That extra step?

The will?

If you do nothing your whole life, were you living?

What is potential?

why does everybody harness this asset yet butcher it's features?

Depression and thoughts.

2009-12-27T00:15:00.000-08:00

The Heart knows what the heart knows.

Grow up, what does this mean?

Maturity, is it the ability of tolerance and the acceptance of being wrong?

Confused about life and it's details.

My guts falling, I'm bleeding entrails.

Snow melting as red as the sky.

Blood pumping, I think I could die.

No organs damaged my heart protected.

Rib cage and chest plate intact, bullet deflected.

A person stands over me, Hypothetically.

He yells, " stand up"! I look up pathetically.

Guts in hand breath wheezing.

Veins blue, my body, freezing.

"Get up"! He yells again, a swift kick in the face.

Doubled over in pain standing at my own pace.

The crunch of snow, sounds beneath my feet.

One leg at a time I stand up, our eyes meet.

Me, slouched to my left my guts in hand.

My fist raised, snow carries across the land.

Still bleeding, red flakes frost away.

My body ruined, I scream, "You'll pay"!

Suffocating on my own blood I step forward and swing.

Right hand, everything I've got, I believe I'm king!

Eyes rolled to the back of my head.

My last swing met with lead.

Body caught, life gone.

A shadow disappears through the nights dawn.

Beat psychologically and killed subconsciously.

Dragged away on an endless journey of forever.

No ends ever met because of this endeavor.

Confused about life and it's details.

My guts falling, dead, bleeding entrails.

PitFall

2009-12-27T00:07:00.001-08:00

Dark Clouds and Digital Clocks.

Count down above our heads, weather ever changing.

Life ticks away, each one ranging.

3900 saturdays till 75.

That's how long most are alive.

Dark Clouds and Digital Clocks.

The weather violent, storms of hatred.

Hundreds of people, no reason, hated.

Consciously fake, only giving to get.

Only kind to others to teach others debt.

Despicable, disgusting, and disguising.

Unforgivable, mind rusting, no reason, despising.

Dark Clouds and Digital Clocks.

The mind tainted with selfish views.

Only about your self all others, used.

Your eyes closed unwilling to see.

How forgive and forget is so easy.

Your the stick in our spokes, the knife in our backs.

Any time we show happiness your entity attacks.

A smile turned straight a good laugh gone.

Your attitude shot like a good day, dawn.

Dark Clouds and Digital Clocks.

If you have nothing nice to say than don't say anything at all.

Because life with out you, is it's own pitfall.

1

2009-12-26T00:26:00.001-08:00

One day i'll post some poems again, one day. :)

Late :D

2009-12-17T00:13:00.001-08:00

I've had some thoughts and poems i'd like to share with you soon but i've been so busy i haven't had the time to post them. I will soon :D

why

2009-12-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

why do people have to die. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last week, My dad is now going over to north carolina to take care of him. He's going to rent out the house and live down to take care of my grandfather. This will be the first christmas i have without my father and who know's knowing him he probably wont make it to my graduation. Why is life so.

2009-12-07T20:49:00.001-08:00

Nobody likes to be alone, specially after a break up but that's when we discover who we really are and what we really want.

Ted Mosby- How I Met Your Mother.

haha heard this on a tv show tonight and made complete sense to me.

The whole world, right now.

2009-12-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

Just feeling really uncomfortable right now and out of my normal comfort zone. It feels as if i'm sitting in the most uncomfortable chair but i can't get up. It just doesn't feel right.

people

2009-12-04T00:03:00.000-08:00

People, this writing binge has been about people. All kinds of people. All kinds of people. People believe they make the earth spin. That's what people do. all kinds of people. People tolerate people who can't tolerate people. These people are often unalterable. People. People believe they've been created to die and exist in a fantasy land. People, they listen, they don't.

People, they are blind, people that can see.

Both kinds of people aren't people to me.

Existence lies with each breath.

Resistance Relies heavily on death.

People rely on people.

Love, is hard to explain.

When loved there is no pain.

Love can sweep you off your feet.

Or, it can crush you in defeat.

Love breathes through each one of us.

People rely on people.

To fall in in love and hit the ground hard.

Means to have accidentally pulled the right card.

Love can hurt, it's on everybody's mind.

The problem with love is finding the time.

Love, is it possible to be too late?

Or will it always be the extremes of fate?

If one loves someone, can they love them back?

People rely on People.

People cry on People.

People need People.

People love People.

People, are people.

Thank you.

The Weight

2009-12-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

The point of a pen, my heart bleeds.

The world stops on words like these.

From where I'm standing everything's still.

My mind frozen and lacking the will.

The snowy haze, cold air against my skin.

How does one know if they're going to win?

Happy then sad then happy but mad.

Mad at the powers one can hold.

Mad at the world for being so cold.

A broken pen bursts upon the canvas.

The snow red, ink gone.

Memories, left behind by others.

Like parents tucking in the covers.

A child with the potential to free the free world.

Killed with a baseball, hurled.

Father speechless and undoubtedly terrified.

Mother bent over her son who'd just died.

The game they won at a loss.

One child at the cost.

The crowds heart silent, watching the killer.

An 8 year old boy who could throw and 88 mile 'r .

How does one know if they're going to win?

The snowy haze, cold air against my skin.

The ink spilled and the mess everywhere.

The passenger killed, faces in despair.

Lives watching, calling for one another.

A son lives but at the cost of his mother.

The memories pieced together.

everybody's peace is an endeavor.

The pen wont stop the guilt.

The blood, already spilt.

Sobriety a joke, the whole worlds high.

A chemical reaction controls your life, they lie.

Media bent on the destruction of your mind.

Chemicals creating and destroying, you will find.

Your life, run by your own decisions.

Your mood controlled by their incisions.

Dopamine running down your spine.

The cause was natural your fine.

The sugar you eat and the caffine you drink.

The worlds addicted, the two you can link.

This worlds corrupt, bent on fear and destruction.

How does one know if they're going to win?

The snowy haze, cold air against my skin.

The universe, our plane.

The ink, our pain

The motivation, secrets from in ourselves.

The instigation, Not Here.

Today was a good day

2009-11-30T22:55:00.000-08:00

Taylor and I helped our Boss put up Christmas lights today. It was pretty fun but took us about 6 hours to do. haha!

Anyway I wrote some new stuff.

Followers to prescription

Crossing scenes.

Crossing Dreams.

How the sky melds.

How the thunder welds.

The lightening, violent Red.

The sunset of the rising Dead.

Shadows of the lost.

To what end and what cost?

We, are gods.

Your heads nods.

Society doesn't believe me.

Religious followers and scientists try to deceive me.

I don't bite the hook I just use the bait.

People these days just don't understand fate.

We live longer than all other beings.

Instead of us rising you see us kneeing.

The only organism able to consciously create.

That is why were gods, this is why it's fate.

So believe what you must and think what you will.

Just remember we are the ones who created the pill.

We are gods as perfect description.

It says so in each bottled prescription.

Believe me.

Your head nods.

Thank you.

- Thoughts

I get the idea that when you look at me that you know too much about me. I get the idea when you look at me you know something about me that i don't.When alone you stare deep into me as if you know the sins I've committed. As if you have the most sacred of secrets of hate for me. Passing through, you never acknowledge me nor even glance in my direction. You never say hi and when our eyes meet you feel awkward and look away without even a grin. You wonder why we've spread so thin when you act like you do. It feels as if you harbor hatred towards me that is not your own. How can i call you a friend when you Cease to see me. How can you act like my friend around others perfectly but alone you can't see me. As if I'm only alive when I'm with others. I don't expect a hug everyday or a hello or even an apology. But when our eyes meet you could at least smile to let me know you know me. that would be the least you could do. If not then there is no longer a friendship between us.

Jobs

2009-11-28T18:07:00.001-08:00

when you have one, every day feels like thursday and sunday.

What makes one sane?

2009-11-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling finding what i once had and seem to have a grasp again as to what it was that i lost. Let me start off by saying Yes i've thought of every possible outcome that someone could possibly die but after watching "Ninja Assassin" on Thursday i now know about 100 more... O.O

Anyway in all seriousness I've been stuck some where on a distant planet looking up at the stars wondering how i came to be. Not how i was born, but how my mindset and moral skills and attributes actually accumulated. I tried to think back when i was young and thought of what i use to think. I remember thinking things i would never have thought in my on mind right now, so how did i become like me? That's a tough question i can't can't answer, but that wont stop me from searching, or should it? My mind lately hasn't been level with everyone else and i've been thinking things that nobody would suspect me thinking. Hmmm, to think, what does this mean? Thinking is described as having Rational thought and Reason, but what i think doesn't always apply to that. Does this mean that im not thinking? No, because thought it also a belief or opinion, whether it has reason or not does not matter. Why do i bring this up? I bring this up because my thoughts have always terrified me. I think of the worst possible thing that could happen, that's how my thought process goes. Yet, you could also say i think the exact opposite of this because i think both happy and thoughts despair. This is why my thoughts scare me because i never know whether to cling to what i know or to cling to what others know. In fact, that thought of me being scared of my thoughts is something that i wouldn't normally say is true. I say that because i've overcome many of my fears. This leads us to emotion. Emotions are complicated. When thought about, are the basis of everything you do. Fear is something that can make or break you. Isn't that odd? Fear itself if overcome, can make you greater than you already are but when running with that fear you are weak. Emotions are complicated. Your brain chooses whether to be happy or sad no, you choose whether you are happy or sad. Since your mind has the power to choose emotion why does it cower with depression? The most unexplainable of all emotions. You can be happy and depressed, you can enjoy what you do everyday and be depressed. So what is with this emotion that kills the human spirit? what is with this power that makes many like myself think thoughts of sorrow, despair, anger and defeat or more or less Suicide or any escape from reality itself.

Here's something interesting, Reality. What i understand as reality is the hardship of what one does everyday. Although when i experience something other than my on way of life, lets say someone who lives on the streets. Their Reality is in fact not my Reality but a Reality and for me to see this makes our realities a reality, or does it? Reality is what's real. What if, you don't think of what's real around and you go about your life never wondering or comprehending the meaning of reality. Then that is your reality. It's what you perceive as significant even if you don't, that is reality. Now what makes one Sane?

Being Sane is Defined by others by what reality they see you in. Or is it? Insanity. To lose your mind in thought and never grasp thought as you once did. That is what i believe to be insanity. I've never reached this because this is what i believe to be insanity, that is my mental line. I may think and be as crazy and insane as i want but as long as i don't cross that thresh hold, to me i am sane. To the open world, not so much. That is how i know myself, by never crossing that line.

Now that i have my babbling out of the way, i've regained a part of myself i once lost. Or at least im on the verge of hanging on to it finally. What it was that made me so down before is still live and kicking but each and every day i seem to have the upper hand.

Today feels like a sunday cause i work tomorrow. I Enjoy work as much as i can because i wouldn't want to not impress my manager.

PEACE!

What an Awesome day

2009-11-25T23:39:00.000-08:00

So i was stressing the entire day before work and even when i slept last night i had dreamed about work. My anxiety and stress were killing me because the work i did yesterday.

The minute i got to work, the manager stepped up and said that she had pulled too much money from my till. A huge smile went across my face and the stress lifted. That meant that i was only 6 cents over, which isn't that bad. So today i added an extra $10 to my till and at the end of the day i had a perfect count of everything. I didn't screw up at all.

Thank god! i never realized how stressed i could get before this. >,<

Work

2009-11-25T15:36:00.001-08:00

Stress, $10 short of my till was not the best way to start my new job. Now im freaking out and im nervous to even go to work. Why do i feel so damn stressful right now, i can't even choose the right tie. all i can wish for is that i hope i don't get fired and that i hope i can do better today.

Say what?

2009-11-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

From Drop Box
Thoughts unwinding, conceited

My brain reckless, defeated

The sun beats down on me like a thousand critics.

Eyes closed, too bright, too many heretics.

Dogma, conceited allies repent with fake alibi's.

The world shattered in lies, everybody cries.

Eyes open easily, the darkness welcoming feasibly.

The people, my mind, how it seems so confined.

In the light i control my own actions, but the rays weigh heavy.

With the blight upon my mind two doors leavy.

Which truth will i pick and which door will I fall through?

Or will I ever begin to love you?

Choice isn't an option.

Free falling acrobatics, through hoops I go, oh no!

Coming closer i realize there's a key hole and splat I go.

This is why i hope to fly forever.

Although i do eventually want to know.

Candy and ice cream

2009-11-18T21:15:00.000-08:00

Both can make your mouth hurt, but they're both soooooo good. Anyway i've been hurten for awhile. Big ups and big downs. Work is kind of motivating, it seems to be working, i start tomorrow.In a small way i really regret not doing sports this winter. It feels as if this year the sports teams i could be joining are actually going to win something. Oh well soon enough i'll be enjoying what i really want to do.

yup

2009-11-16T22:37:00.000-08:00

Great! there's nothing like a push back down to the bottom after I've already climbed to the top...

Friday The 13th

2009-11-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

From Drop Box

Ironically this is now my favorite day of any month, but only if it's on a Friday. I took the drive test and got an 88 on it, which is passing. Then after that I went in to RiteAid for an Interview and NAILED IT, I got the job! Today has been awesome! Maybe not the best day i've ever had ever, but pretty damn close to it :D Now I'm off to go to a huge over the night car show with BREAKFAST YUM!!!

Peace! and I love you all for the constant Inspiration and care :D

PASSED

2009-11-13T14:46:00.001-08:00

I passed with an 88 YEAH!

Doing good

2009-11-12T18:53:00.001-08:00

I got called by RiteAid today. I took a phone test and now I have an interview with them at 4 O'clock pm. Before this though, I'm taking my drive test, WISH ME LUCK :D!!

My dads Bday

2009-11-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

It was my dads birthday today, I don't even know how old he is. I wish one day to give my dad everything he wants, but until them all i can do is wish him happy birthday. So, Happy Birthday dad I love you :D.

Pressure

2009-11-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

Again I got something that told me what to do. I got a fortune cookie today that says " Seek out significance of your problem at this time. Try to understand". Nothing like a good fortune cookie. I just, still don't know.

do it.

2009-11-09T21:38:00.001-08:00

So I wrote a poem today, not knowing what it said. when I was finished I put it in my bag and didn't read it until later today. I was kind of star struck at what I had said in this poem. I literally answered my own problem without even knowing. It was surprising to say the least but I don't know if can do what the poem told me to do. I just don't know.

So ...

2009-11-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

so apparently I've become a profession at digging my self the deepest holes imaginable and falling in them. Just the way it is with everything.

Unsound, mind rotten

2009-11-07T23:51:00.000-08:00

From Drop Box
Wrote this Last week in class while ignoring the teacher when she spoke of John Donne the poet.

In my mind I've been skipping class.

Physical sentences whiplash.

The ability to care is as thin as air.

There's no improving, my life is a nightmare.

I see my future very clearly.

I see what my family means to me so dearly.

Or, I don't

This shadow haunts my being.

It controls whatever I'm seeing.

I do not know why i have been given a cloud.

Ever since it's rained many days along with thunder, Loud.

My mind seeks forgiveness and well being.

but it's under the control of a shadow, always fleeing.

Thus the curse of light.

I may never know light again if this cloud hangs forever.

I may never shake it, for I am not that clever.

I wish to do well and i wish i hadn't lied.

For right now I fear the inside of me has died.

unrelenting hold, wont you let go?

Things would be so much easier if you didn't hang so low.

It's in my eyes they fill with darkness.

I have lost my soul.

It is something it stole.

I have lost my way.

I do not know the meaning of enjoying a day.

I have forgotten my mind.

I have lost it and soon may never find.

I need help, obviously.

With no path means no obligation.

So i will sit until i rise to seek investigation.

I will wait to be saved.

But it will be too late if my path is already paved.

Life, why are you so senseless.

You make me and everyone else Defenseless.

I Need Motivation.

Should or Shant that is the Question

2009-11-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

From Drop Box
Dear friends who'm greet me with great respect.

Will you think less of me if i recollect?

How about if I never tell?

How then, will you know I fell?

In what way is my choice wrong?

Is it because it's almost dawn?

For it to be too late or too early,

I must know if you think Surely.

The path already taken.

Is there a way or am I mistaken?

Can I breathe smoke so clear?

Can I not live in fear?

In what way shall I commence the destruction,

and how with this deduction?

Will I become like the ones you see?

No, no, I cannot break the foundation of me.

My will is too sound.

In a way I have found.

Maybe, maybe, just a way,

to stay stable long enough to pay.

oh what are my choices with relaxation?

It's like every part of me, pressed with taxation.

Shall I not fear of what others think?

Or Shall I care about everything with every blink?

Stress reliever, pain reducer.

Sounds a bit like you sir.

May I have my mind, no?

oh? Is it my head you stole?

No? Is it my heart in whole?

woh. It is infact my will.

Will without motivation and motivation without will.

I want it back.

I wish to ask nicely

But that would be unwise of me.

Seeing as that you are a god, a mad hatter.

You will never give back what you've taken through the means of others.

Nor will you reply to the beliefs of mothers.

Hear them cry as you will, for you are as cynical as we.

Except you may never know the pain of me.

I am different and do what I believe.

So when I make decisions, instead of looking up.

I look through what you foolishly gave us.

I look through the mind you've stolen and the heart you've crushed along through my eyes you've blinded to veer us so that you may jeer us as we walk foolishly through a dark room with a door that has no knob. You disgrace us with the thought of personality and the mention of spirituality, but those who believe do not deal with the situations I have and that you've bestowed.

Should I or Shant?

That is the question.

What i've missed

2009-10-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

I've written some poetry that wanted to post about a week ago but my mind wasn't up to the task. Now that it is hopefully i can type them all up :D

This poem was kind of a rebellious act towards the analysis of poetry. I got sick of ripping apart artwork and trying to understand the meaning when in fact every opinion interpreted could be correct. There's not point to that, so i wrote this poem and read it to the class and everybody clapped loudly for me and agreed. it was nice, but this is by far the most repetitious poem I've ever written.

Over Analyze This!

I write, I write

it comes to me so naturally

I write, I write

it speaks to me so fluently

so why, so why

do we pick apart

so why, so why

that beautiful art

you see, you see

there is no greater meaning

you see, you see

it's only what your feeling

oh how, oh how

can we be so insensitive

oh how, oh how

can humans be so tentative

to take, to take

ways of literature so fine

to take, to take

and destroy by crossing the line

you can't, you can't

see the natural beauty

you can't, you can't

you must read so loosely

to find, to find

the real purpose of a poem

to find, to find

isn't this curriculum

The purpose, the purpose

is what you per sieve at first glance

the purpose, the purpose

not what you guess each and every chance

it is,it is

only what your feeling.

Wrote this in class while questioning the idea of man compared to god.

The Horror of Purpose

Why would god create death? If god had a personality then what is the purpose of us?

To have all power

to create with no desire

inseparable the thought of him

He who cares all

watches as each on of us fall

Define Justice

The one who hears our thoughts

the battles we've lost

what is the purpose?

To believe is to relieve our minds of responsibility

We know too much, for we cloud our minds

The fear will over come us, we will find

"God", we'eve named our secret accomplishments

The wishes that have come true

That is why we fear ourselves like we do

We are gods, to conceited to think it was us

Deep down, we know

For we'eve created it all, and all one day we will show.

Wrote this yesterday cause i got bored and thought about how life is so long but can be easily taken away.

Slick Isle and smug faces

Nail files and bullet cases

you watch as the bullet enters your skull

I watch as it hits me in full

what I've done only half of you can see

so please, try, try to believe me

you had crossed a line nobody could see

If I didn't act fast it would have been me.

Your knees hit the ground, looking at the sky,

arms limp to his side, I didn't want him to die.

Face to the floor, A reflection of me.

Frozen at my core, no only pity

In shock, I holster the realization

Mind locked, stuck with the image

Calling for back up i say, " we've got two dead"

my brain thinking on the walls

my body stiff as it falls

Goodbye.

Roger, Roger, i gotcha.

2009-10-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box
What one does with anger will always be reckless. I've written plenty about my own sorrows but what cause's them I've only half revealed. Let me start by explaining that being rude, mean, unkind, or selfish is what people do when they have no others means of letting out stress. Stress can be dealt with by one of two ways, you can either deal with the problem or let it stress you out. Get it done or procrastinate. Basically everybody who uses the 4 types of being an ass obviously has a lot of pent up stress. These people don't know how to deal with them selves in the correct manner, specially around people that can be quite annoying. This means they have no self control. No self control is bad and if your over the age of 40, I think you need to kill yourself if you have none. Okay so here's the deal, I'm sick of walking around eggshells spread about the floor so I don't have to wake the raging gorilla while it sleeps. In fact I'd like nothing more then to just leave forever and never come back, but that wont happen any time soon. So because of walking around those precious egg shells I've grown tired and started slipping up only to be yelled at and scolded. I have also grown tired of the ways I've been talked to in the past, the scoldings are useless when anything can be summed up in about four or five words. There really is no point to raising your voice when I'm three feet away. You think because you yell louder that I will get it, when in fact you say you don't intend to intimidate. Well here lies the truth my dear boy, you do. You yell because nobody will listen to you if you don't, or at least that's what you think. Life doesn't work like that, You've proven this with one of your own analogy's. If someone explains a problem that they have and explains it worse than it already is, doesn't it make the situation worse? Of course it does. So then why must you yell at the top of your lungs to get your point across. I'm only 3 feet away and I'm only human. Compare me to what you want with your ill and retarded realizations but I am in fact smarter than you can begin to understand. When you yell I stay calm with composure, when you bitch and moan, I listen and wait. Why do I wait? I wait because some how your ignorance of your own feelings inspires me. You are but the ink in my pen and the thread to my needle. You mean nothing to me unless applied with one of my desires. In fact you are nothing to me, not a figurehead, not a role model, but nothing. You can yell but it's only a matter of time before life tunes you out, you gluttonous pig of society.

I might mention that not all Rude, Selfish, Unkind, and Mean people act the same.

I hate myself, The cup Half full.

2009-10-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box
lately I've been a little confused with my actions. I come home from a good day at school but wait, i feel stressed. Stressed about what? I ask my self, but i just don't know. I've been asking myself that for awhile ever since I've stopped doing what use to be fun to me. I've stopped playing video games and I've stopped reading books. The things I use to enjoy I just stopped doing. I use to think it was depression or maybe that something was wrong with me but I just couldn't figure it out.Today, of all days I kind of figured out why i have that stress and what enables it. The stress that is built up in me is ironically everybody else's. I realized that today after I had told a friend a story about a stupid underclassmen. That friend said, "Casey, you need to Empty your cup and become like Zen". After he said this I sat down and thought to myself, "I couldn't do it". Couldn't do what? I thought that I couldn't become like Zen. The the excuse I gave was that I can't stop caring about those around me. That friend said a quote from Buddhism which I don't remember, but included being your natural self in a way. I've always viewed the cup as half full but that wasn't my problem. I don't have a problem with myself at all, I am not the reason why I am stressed. It's the fact that I like listening to the little things people have to say. This is what gives me the power to help friends. This is my problem, this sounds a bit selfish, of which i do not ever intend to be, but as my friend said, "You need to empty your cup". I see now that I can care about myself and still care for others. This is why I have been stressed, recently I've been so worried thinking of what other people think and of what their views are of certain things that I have forgotten about myself. I care for a lot of people and I know I listen well which here lies my actually problem. ////////////// apparently my EGO knows no bounds seeing that, I've realized that i am single handedly one of the most cocky persons i know of. I can't say what my real problem is because in reality I don't think i have one. I mean sure I've got tons of problems that i need help with but... That's it, I just found my problem... I think too much. It's as simple as that, I overly think about everything that ever crosses me that I sometimes even under think things I know aren't important. In other words I know when to be useful and I know when to lay back but I never know when to stop thinking. This is what my friend said about emptying my cup, I need to just stop thinking about everybody else and focus on the simple things. Perhaps I've been enduring life for so long I've forgotten how to enjoy it. I say this because when ever I'm not with some one I act as if I'm in a jail cell waiting for my next visitor. I wait and think about everything that I've ever done and how it has effected me and the people around me. Then when i get a visitor I'm completely content with my decisions, but after they leave I go back to my cell and wallow in self thought in spite of my own accomplishments. My problem is that I think I secretly hate myself for being me. Which is why I never want to be like me again because when I'm real and down to earth people are scared and turned off. People think of Heaven as a beautiful place and I, well, I don't think of heaven, plane and simple. I see the silver lining in things that are real, not what the convoluted masses agree upon. Anyway, I've made a discovery from writing this. I've realized that I am still deeply hurt emotionally because of family issues and passed relationships that I in turn hate myself because I never want to be like these people. I worry so much about not being something that I have no time to be myself which brings upon the stress I carry from wanting to help others to any other thing I do. It's all too much. The reason I enjoy helping people is because I don't want to be like the people in the passed. Who knows, the mind is complicated and with how much I think about things I've ended up Hating it.

Negativity ruling the minds of children

2009-10-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box
I found this digging in my backpack today, it was in my math binder for some reason. I think i wrote this about two weeks ago. The entire poem is kind of odd. It ranges from both ends of two different spectrum's but, it does capture what i was feeling at the exact moment when someone pissed me off. Enjoy :D

Is it my face, my attitude, or the way i speak that brings people accustomed to treating me like shit? I try to help, I try to be nice but it seems as if people just like to take advantage. What's with people today, it's like the world is sour. All you do is smile and they all lash back with power. Negativity ruling the minds of children.

Blue sky's and rainbows

Windsor ties and faint foes

Dark clouds with lightening

Thick thunder becomes frighting

The fog shadows before your eyes

Through smoke and flames are the cries

Buildings fall rainbows shatter

help comes without a latter

The city under attack

The people running back

Clear sky's now a haze

your mind set ablaze

You now see through the eyes of your superior. Backing down from the podium you become inferior. You quickly quit life and take another profession. Stopped in your tracks by the people who need you, you quickly figure out the meaning of this lesson. The Windsor knot again upon your neck. For you've fought for a second chance at everything you do, you let live and people listen to you.

Waste Away

2009-10-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

Oh, how easy how easy

it is to sit in fray

oh, how easy how easy

it is to waste the day away

oh, people oh, people

that are so blind

oh, people oh, people

your minds you can't find

oh, why oh, why

can't you see

oh, why oh, why

that hidden fee

oh, life oh, life

how it can waste away

oh, life oh, life

in the end you pay.

Zombie poem

2009-10-13T17:33:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

wrote this for a do now in class :D

Also YAY HALLOWEEN POEM!

Sky's as dark as bloodshot eyes

as the mindless roam the streets

City's bleed death, for man is in defeat

we hear and listen for help to come

but what actually happens is the parade of the dumb

Eye sockets through and through

Never forget, the zombies are after you

The Germ: The seat of power

2009-10-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

"Above is drawn a diagram of a typical seed with two cotyledons. The cotyledons are specialized rudimentary leaves containing a supply of nourishment sufficient for the initial stage of the development of the germ.

The Germ is the real thing; the seat of identity. Within its delicate mechanism lies the will to power: the function which is to seek and eventually to find its full expression in form.

The seat of power and the will to live constitute the simple working idea upon which all that follows is based -- as to efflorescence.

A System of architectural Ornament According with a philosophy of Mans Powers."

Louis Sullivan

Written by an Architect that shaped our world, he too understands the process of maturity.

how are world is shaped

2009-10-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

wrote this in English class, got bored.

Lovers cry
Mothers die
Children born
lovers scorn
Repent emancipation
Repeat this proclamation
Unstable with thine eyes
Forever are the lies
Clouds dissipating
People listen, waiting
Irony like thunder
Hits crowds and plunder
Social security bound
Name tags found
A leader unbelievably perceived
People uniquely deceived
Sky's turn shades of gray
Buildings start to sway
People looking up toward their leader.
Giant screens through cities bleed with capitalism. As socialism rivals, the entire country stays at a stand still. Unmoving, unbreatheing and still unstoppable.

Don't know

2009-10-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

It feels like somethings is missing from my life right now. I don't quite no what it is but its been bothering me for about 2 weeks. When i look at things according to my future i see the picture as a whole where 3 years from now I'm at the college of my dreams. Going back when i look toward the next 3 years of my life, i'll still be in Washington working on my semester hours to get into that college. when i look at everything I'm doing currently, it feels like something is missing. I have an idea of what but it just seems to soon.

wishing never wishes.

2009-10-05T19:25:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

I don't really have anything inspirational to say but I do want to post something at least once in the month of October. I've been pretty melodramatic lately but it's all in good health. I've been able to write some pretty neat stuff while experiencing a lot of pain. Having reread everything I've done always cheers me up because I am able to learn more about myself. Lately I've been playing a lot of guitar, not just because of guitar class but because I want to learn how to sing and play at the same time. I've been pretty good so far, working with how to sing and what not. It's pretty challenging but I have found a voice that nobody would believe is my own. It sounds pretty nice but it's hard to sing like that after awhile so I go back to doing a normal tone. Lifes been good to me so far, learning new things and figuring out what I want to accomplish is an every day goal of mine. Just yesterday I was reminded why I wanted to be a chiropractor. It's amazing how fast we forget things and how slow we are to remember them.

Just the other day I watched a home movie of myself at the age of three tearing open presents on Christmas day. Watching this video of me and my three sisters made my eyes water. To realize how young I had once been and how old I have become made me think of how much we miss during our childhoods. While watching the videos I was able to catch something I hadn't seen in about 8 years. I was able to spot my fathers happiness for the first time in almost 8 years in an old home video. My father has pretty much descended in happiness, while the black mold of depression creeps through him, I grow older. I haven't seen my dad happy in such a long time, I burst into tears the minute I saw my dads face on the screen. I miss that, my dads smile and his attitude. Ever since I left it's like he's given up all hope to ever amount to anything. Which is why I can't believe how he could have ever ended up like this. Watching myself on this video being the age of three made me imagine my dad at that age, how happy he must have been. To compare him from that age to the age he is now would be impossible. It's hard to imagine that a once smiling and fun filled happy child is now a father of one and never calls. Not to say he's lazy, he took care of me until I was about fourteen and then I went away. Though, the calling is true, I'd be better off wishing pigs could fly.

I love you man

2009-09-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box
Life happens faster than I could ever imagine. I still remember the times when I would play with legos and spend the night at friends houses just so we could have the roughest pillow fights you've ever seen in your life. I was reminded of how good I had it before I actually moved. I had close friends and in lived in a small town, I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It's just how it was, happy times. I remember playing with my little action figures with my father during Christmas morning when I was 5. I remember the way he tought me how to make paper air planes. I remember the cruddy apartments we lived in before we actually moved to that small town I spoke of. When I was little, I was an out doorsy kid, I went to the river almost every day and had a blast. I skated, biked, walked and went everywhere. I had a meal every night waiting for me and my dad had a good stable job. I always got what I really wanted and when I didn't it was no sweat because I was happy with what I had. Sitting through detention was the slowest thing I've ever been through and now that I'm older I kind of wish I would have spent some more time enjoying what I once had.

The past couple of weeks have gone by so quickly that this is the first day I've actually sat and thought a lot of things through. I thought about what I've been through, the connections I've made and the friends that I've had. I had a very happy childhood, I didn't even notice how much I would miss it. My friend Levi is my best friend, we use to do everything together, then I left. I left him because I was afraid of what would become of me if I had stayed. I left him with all those fake and hollow people he called friends. When I left I think a part of him left too. After I was gone he just went out of control and then he really went out of my life. For about 2 years I didn't see my best friend, it made me adjust to the friends I was acquiring through high school but I never forgot him. I sent him some letters and I talked to him on the phone. I said hollow friends before because I was the only one who cared enough to contact him while he was in a boys home. Truthfully I was the only one his parents ever trusted. Me and Levi, were true brothers and I miss that.

Missing someone isn't easy or hard, it just feels like a piece of you is missing and every time you think about it you get a little sad. My best friend came back finally last year. Within that year though he did great things. He got out and did sports, got good grades and found a musical soulfull side of him that I never knew existed. We connected in new ways and we're still close, but we still never see each other, or call. Now he is in the same drug slump he was before he went to the boys home. I don't want to be his parents and yell at him for what he's doing, I also don't want to tell him what to do, but so far what I have told him is that I love him and that I don't agree with the decisions that he's made. I told him I was once proud of him, but now were drifting apart because he can't control his urges to be on top of any outcome, he's beginning to lose his head. I'm always there for him no matter what through anything, I've been there.

He almost died last week. For me to hear that scares the hell out of me, it stresses me to the core. I can't imagine life without him, he's my exact opposite yin and yang but we have so much in common at the same time. It sucks because there's nothing I can do besides be his friend and support him. I can give him advice that he will gradually listen too, but it's hard when you live this far away. I'm just afraid that I could actually lose my best friend. If I ever did it would surely effect me greater than any loss I have ever had before. I'd lose a part of me, half my memories are his and his are mine, they could be lost. The stories I tell have two sides and if you laughed at one, you've got to hear the other. Anyway my best friend has dropped out of high school and is now in the search for a job, a job in which I hope he finds. I've given him advice since we last spoke but I know it will falter under the pressure of the passers by who willingly share the drug. I miss my best friend man, I want the old days back where fixing bikes, skateboards and wrestling each other to the ground while his dad walks in and stares at us until we stop, when we do he then makes a very classic remark, “ dumb asses”.

Levi, I love you man.

it could be a lot worse.

2009-09-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

never realized it before but now i think i'm okay. between a new outlook and figuring out what to do I've realized that confidence is something you need to succeed. I went skating today and couldn't ollie off this 3 foot hill. I don't know why but i was just scared to land it. I brushed off my shoulders after about the 14th time trying i decided to go the opposite way, so i ollied up it instead. It was pretty fun but i realized i do a lot better when looking up and ahead rather than down and away.

Giving up...

2009-09-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

From levi and I roadtrip pics
why...

Why you would bother to move forward if you knew you were going to move double the space back?

I don't get why you lied to yourself man.

I don't why you have to interrupt the system.

All you had to do was glide through and you'd be okay.

Instead you went from top to bottom a second time.

I was proud of you man, happy that you were finally on my level.

Then when you realized you had control you had to lose it all for the same stupid reason.

You just could keep your mouth shut, I'm no one to judge but man your like my favorite book.

I know you inside and out, from one argument to the next you could never agree.

I know for a fact that you hate the choices you make.

So why do you fake it to be with them?

You so called friends...

They were just fine when you didn't do shit.

They didn't judge you, In fact they worshiped you for crying out loud.

They hung out with you because they thought you were a great person, not because you had the constant love for drugs that they had.

They just wanted to be friends but they took it to the next level.

You agreed to put yourself below the bar man.

The first drink the first sip the first dip and you came out high on life.

What for? To live on your own and become miserable?

I don't get it man, your my best friend yet you don't call me for anything.

Not even to say hello, you don't talk to me unless you want something from me.

I'm always there though, no matter what.

I listen to what your saying and I hear your thoughts loud and clear.

So why the fuck do you want so badly to get away from here?

Specially this way, why did you have to chose this way?

You think your going to make it big?

I set you up with a radio station man, you never called me.

They were going to let you play for them man.

Instead I never heard another word.

If music is your passion like poetry is mine then you shall succeed.

But if you keep living like this you will become a deadbeat fool.

At the age of twenty-five you will become lost and hopeless and for what?

I was proud of you man, but you left the lead role to another part.

Instead you become guard one and I lead the part.

We were suppose to graduate this year man instead I can't share that with you.

Because of this I can say I've done more than you, I've earned more respect than you and now I'm smarter than you.

For you have no self control in that brain of yours.

Your a follow man, I wish you could follow me.

You don't belong with the people you hang with your better than that man.

I don't understand how you don't understand that it's all who you hang with that makes you, you.

If you hang with the right crowd you will become more like them, no matter what.

Drop outs, I don't understand you didn't even call.

I don't understand what the fuck made you drop the ball?

Was it that retarded aggression toward your parents oppression?

Or do you really think you can make your own home in this life alone?

Seriously in a repossession you think of hopping on trains and living the good life of being a bum.

You wish to eat creamed corn out of a can rather than live up to be a man.

In all truths, I was proud of you man but you let me down.

Your no better than you were before you left, your the same lost soul I wish to protect.

But I can't because we don't see eye to eye.

I understand you and you understand me but you don't understand yourself or the world that's fit to come.

Yeah, you can work for the rest of your life if you want to but I plan on being in retirement.

You'll get no where on drugs and if your lucky your family will take you back.

Just remember man I love you but you gotta pick up the slack.

You say you act like a man yet you can't stand being told what to do.

You say you have respect but what I see is nothing to be proud of.

You had us all going for awhile, until this.

I wish good luck and I will never say goodbye because your my best friend the least you could do is lie.

back to square one.

2009-09-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

My life looks so easy compared to those around me. So why does it seem like it's so hard.

I Wake up every day10 to 6 clocks fast.

I lean up, hit the snooze to make my night last.

I get up finally and debate upon breakfast before a shower.

I usually win.

By the time I get to class my life seems a little dumb down.

My mind seems a little bit slower than the day before it.

I listen to peoples problems and don't care about my own.

A hypocrite I have become.

Why? Because wanting to be something isn't enough .

I want to be a great person, one who influences people to do better.

Instead I yell with overbearing power while no one listens except me.

I can scream I can shout but nobody cares about seniority.

No respect because the words I speak are as common as flies.

Everybody's heard, it's the same thing over and over.

For me to scream at an individual for what I'm doing is disgusting.

Despicable, I am for being the hypocrite.

Disgusted at the way I try to prove myself.

I figure I should just stop, I don't know what drives me anymore.

By the time I get home I'm comforted by people who could care less and probably do.

No support backing me since I was 9.

I come home to an empty house filled with people.

Talk of nothingness and acts of shrewd justice..

It's like living alone knowing the life you have outside your home is the only life you enjoy.

No relaxation, no free time and when there is some I'm always doing something else.

Moving away wouldn't make much of a difference besides the fact that if I go down alone I'd have debt to pay.

Always negative, the principals my family has bestowed upon me.

Laziness, they never set good examples, I had to learn from spending the night friends.

I had to learn a lot and for what? To feel like this?

It's not right.

Nobody's right but anythings better than this.

I'm going to move away from here and not care what's behind me.

I'm going to be long gone so I can never speak to any of them.

So that they can never give my kids the negative thoughts they once gave me.

If they even live that long.

The laziness, death is a just outcome of this.

For if you don't care about yourself, how can you care about others.

Which is why, they don't care about me.

I'm alone when im at home, it's the most depressing place to me.

I wish I could be dedicated to something, I wish I could be a better person.

I wish I was never raised like this.

I see the smiles on peoples faces at school.

It brightens up my day.

To go back home, will always be the death of me as long as I pick up after these people.

I can no longer hide from my depression.

I know longer enjoy anything I use too, I do things because I'm told.

I can't delve into anything I use to enjoy.

I'm so sick of what I use to love to do and what I had a passion for.

It's like my spirit is gone.

In love, with love.

2009-09-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

It doesn't matter how strong you are.

How fast you become, or how far you've gone.

When your over something, you know your over it.

I'm not.

It's hard to say it, but I'm not.

When I look at her I still have the smallest of feelings coursing through my veins.

When we talk, I'm disgusted though as I've realized what she really is.

Something inside me that I want to just go away, wont.

I want it gone, I want no more of this weak feeling I have.

I never realized when I said, “she will always have a place in my heart”. That I really meant it.

When I see her or even think of her, the emotions that shroud me become unstable.

I can't help but have the tiniest part of me wonder what could have been.

Yes, I think about it some times, but it's truly over and I'm grateful.

I'm glad I'm no longer there in that position anymore.

I'm happy.

I don't miss her, I just miss what we had.

It's like bacon, everybody loves bacon, but why?

It's because of the meat to fat ratio.

Everyone loves bacon in the fact that well, they don't.

They love it because they love the thought of it.

The perfect meat to fat ratio, you think of it.

Love, it's a lot like bacon.

When it's over cooked, it's not so great.

But cooked perfectly, well, it's amazing.

Just depends on the cut.

Anyway what I mean is that I'm in love with the thought of being in love.

I want that again, not from the people in passed relationships but in someone else.

I want to find it again.

I miss that feeling.

Being in love with the thought of being in love sounds kind of well, “gay”.

I don't really care though, It's not my fault I feel like I'm the only guy on this planet who's ever actually wanted something to last.

What I've learned though, is that things don't last.

Nothing lasts forever.

It's sad but we all know it.

I just want to be there for some one who means a lot to me as much as I can.

It's the only way I can feel like I'm appreciated.

Yeah, when I help people I help my self esteem.

It's what makes the world go round, it's what makes my world go round.

I'm not over it yet.

I am in the way that if I was ever asked again I would say absolutely not.

It's just, it bothers me how much it still effects me.

It shouldn't effect me at all, but it does.

At least I'm not bat shit crazy, that's always a good thing.

I've learned though that it isn't wrong to pursue something you want to do.

Hell if I want it, I'll get it no matter the cost and if I don't, oh well, I can move on.

2009-09-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

Put downs, Lifes frowns

2009-09-18T17:31:00.001-07:00

From My Pictures
Also wrote this the same day as the one below it. Just feeling down i guess.

Cold sweat from a mundane life I'm not Liven.

Hurt thoughts speech impediments and harsh words given.

Put downs and hypocritical speeches, you all act the same just a bunch of leeches.

Grab what life gives, through the gib's that spatter.

From the dark days and lonely nights to downtown street fights.

Words used with the expression of anger and the fear of love.

Nothing deeper than a stab through the heart as it stops beating, where do i start it just keeps bleeding.

Fist in hand knuckles bruised through, bad advice and words, we've been used too.

Brought up to be thrown down, circles coursed anger found.

Blood, sweat, tears of an angry life, humble perseverance but stopped because of passport clearance.

You don't know who i am or we are but only when, and then we can move on with our lives to devise a plan and set a course, but of course life is cruel.

There will always be the bad days and crazed ways of the hurt people who hurt people.

For they will always be there to put you down, make you act like a clown so you may carry their burden upon your shoulders like boulders it just keeps fallen, weight unbearable life gets terrible.

Breathing stops lights flash, the bullet through the unbendable car crash.

Through suffering and pain, we all go through a life that is Mundane.

There's a greater way

2009-09-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box
Wrote this today in school, i can't seem to get my mind of the life i could be living.

Clouds of smoke, tears of riddlin

Cold cut figures of stone, the mind infatuated uncared for, blind through the steps we take until you wait for the wake to drag you cross slap and pull you down, to beat you senseless beyond belief, I mean good grief, you never come out on top because every time you get there you stop. Though you must remember, you think I'm a catastrophe an instrument if you will, you wish only to play me until you get your fill, well guess what I've broken the cage and I'm out of your life living happily never looking back, no longer depressed but happy with some well deserved rest.No hate for you because I'm over it, there's nothing more to say I'm done, doors shut eyes wide open, outside of my own mind no longer blind so get out my way so i can seize the day.

Calling out.

2009-09-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

I felt really good today until a mood killer walked into my life again. This is my first writing in which im rapping. Hope you like it, it made me cry.

Life is cruel, hard and painful.

Living and breathing it's the only the I do right.

Waste of space in laced with distaste drawn backwards through the spiral stairs, falling, help me I can't breathe with out air, while shit is keeping me down, every time it happens I can't help but frown, can't help but be sad,can't remember when I was happy because my hole life's been crappy. From start to finish from end to beginning my soul diminishing. unhappy unhealthy ways development of depression stays unbelievable doubt and no common courtesy shut your face didn't you just hear me your a fucken disgrace in the eyes of the unknowing in the eyes of the glowing, those thousands of grains of the sand, hour glass of my life in my hand, smashed to pieces as my life decreases watching my life slip through my fingers, my spirit starts to linger ,no grip could hold me now written in stone “ nice guys finish last' and alone. The world starts to fall apart as my mind races through pushin carts across the high way and droppin out, it doesn't seem so bad but it's the doubt that seems so fad, the fake realistic part of life nobody wants to hear because it's so god damn unclear. with my eyes shut I can't see where I'm fallen but I see my life flash before my eyes, I see the stars through the skies image painted purple and blue with bright lights flashing in the distance with that, I look back, it's so beautiful just like you. Crack! Like that I hit the ground cryin, bloody mess diein legs unmovable arms out reaching for your face, love unprovable. Three, two, one, and just like that my life is done, damn this desire, lasts thoughts were I shoulda jumped higher. With my hand on your face my arm falls limp with the tears I embrace the sad and lonely thought that I could have, would have and should have done. My hand hits the cold rubble pulse gone and that lovable guy you called Casey never got to say in his own special way how much you meant to him. Another life gone and in the papers reads Suicide, no explanation why, only when. Heard on the news for about a day, we show case this man in a gruesome way, we tell you how he died and how his family is hurt, we only tell you 'cause you know you'll convert into the sad sap and caring person that only could ever worsen the mood of the family to convey there tears and use them for network ears to spread the word of a man named Casey and for about 45 minutes you hear of this story, then you go about your day and the world keeps spinning as lives keep beginning and every year we get a suicide death toll, what does that tell you about us America? The commercial home and land of the free with subliminal adds and people with fake doctorate degrees. We live in a hard cruel world where life will always move on, that is until, were all gone.

Can't help it.

2009-09-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box
Taken for granted

Hard day hard life.

Have you ever taken anything for granted?

Have you ever been taken for granted?

Yes, no?

To express sadness and the desire to cry.

To express the happiness and laughter.

Only to be brought to one conclusion in the end.

Sadness can over rule your life when you sit alone.

Thoughts of ambiguity trace the outline of your character.

You don't know who to be and why.

You wish you weren't so down that you fake the existing happiness in your soul.

Leaving you is the sparkle in your eye.

You seem to become so color blind, Black and Grey.

You walk with your chin up in hopes of high hopes that you can regain your energy.

The second you put your head down you lose it all.

You fall to your knees and wonder why any of it happened.

Why the stress was so unbearable?

Why life had to take a turn for the worst even though it wasn't getting better.

You look in the mirror countless times and you no longer see you.

You stare deep into your eyes and you ask, "why?"

Nobody answers except you and even then you answer back, “I don't know”

Frustrated you walk out on yourself and stare at the ceiling while you lay on your bed.

Thoughts rampaging against the soft tissues of your skull.

You feel like your underwater and the pressure is starting to suffocate you.

The thoughts so uncontrollable you can't handle it anymore because your sinking.

You watch yourself sink to the bottom through the eyes you saw in the mirror.

You flashback to all the days that went wrong.

You wish you could stay strong but you can't.

You lean up and scream from the bottom of your lungs.

As the stress piles on, pages fall and notebooks are thrown, walls are beaten while doors are slammed.

The tears screaming down your face aren't from anger but frustration.

Frustration and guilt.

Why did that have to happen and why did it have to happen like that?

“What's my problem!” you say screaming still as your knees hit the ground fists in the air.

Clenched together are your right and left hands shaking at the world before you.

You fall over to your side and curl into ball against the wall safe and breathing.

Breathing hard and scared for your life from this incident you've bestowed upon yourself.

Tucking your head in, biting your lower lip and closing your eyes as hard as you can.

Nothing but darkness surrounds you in the silence of your breathing.

You can't help but every day after that to come home and want to cry.

You wait for it every day now and every day it never comes.

After that you begin to feel okay again, as the days pass through weekends of solitary zoning.

You start to see colors again and music fills your desire to be happy.

Friends welcome you back to reality.

After that you take your life into your own hands and say, “ Never again”

No more will you let these emotions triumph you.

You care for others and others care for you.

Truth be told we never left.

Depression,anxiety,Stress, Emotions, we've been there too.

If there's anything I can do please, let me talk to you.

A little something I call, Touching.

2009-09-14T01:14:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box
Sword and Shield

You let your guard down.

As you did once before.

Sounds like he made you confused.

You'd felt like you'd been used.

Never again you told yourself.

"Never again" Said the shield.

As you carried it, it carried your emotions.

As heavy as both were, you still stand.

A distant person see's you.

He is me and i am him.

Watching from a far, I got to know you.

I got to know your true beauty.

I fell hard after that and when i got up i was star struck.

I couldn't believe my eyes, you were right in front of me.

Me, too timid to express my real feelings.

You, as beautiful as ever.

As timid as i may be, I believe I can take the weight off your back.

All you need to do is erase the name off that shield.

When it rains i come to you because you provide me with shelter.

When the demons parade the land, i provide you with a certain type of security.

we both protect one another.

Were normal people with everyday lives.

We laugh together and we cry.

Emotions run strong.

I wish to be your shield on this long and paraless journey.

Too timid though, to express anything real.

Too shy, for if I lost you, I'd be out numbered.

How life fits

2009-09-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

It's like my life is a puzzle. As i grow older the pieces start to fall into place. Each puzzle with it's own adventure. I figure this can go one of two ways. When the puzzle is complete and the picture is displayed it can either be worth it or all for nothing. The picture you create in the end is up to you. Stick men or the Mona Lisa, Your choice. Don't let the pieces fall to loosely or you could lose a part of you and in the end the picture you create could be devastating. Remember, you create the pieces, while life puts them together.

Addicted

2009-09-08T00:36:00.001-07:00

From Drop Box

Gaming I admit is a big part of my life and probably always will be but recently I've been pretty much bored with video games since about March. I'd play games like every blue moon from march till now. Ya sure I'll play them here or there but i would never really get into it like i use too. Although the reason i play games kind of stems from having a horrible life atm or if not horrible then a currently boring one. Lately I've thinking about the way i use to play video games and how i use to base my whole day around them. I use to wake up at 12 pm and play till 5 am. Also, back then i never really took care of my self seeing as hot pockets, chips and Mountain Dew pretty much ran my digestive track for about 5 years, probably why my acne was so bad. I've thought about it, from the way i use to play from the casual way i play now. People dream of being able to sit down and play video games all day but realistically that would get really boring to me. For me to actually feel well, i need to work out, eat healthy and socialize i can't be cramped up in my room all day, it just doesn't feel right. Anyway i casually play games now and have been for awhile and i prefer it this way. That way i can just have fun with both. I know a lot of people who have become addicts to the games and addicts to their surroundings. There are self help groups that deal with that sort of thing but when it really comes down to it, do you really need one? Seriously though, games are a major part of my life but in no means will i ever be caught ditching some one or somebody because I'm playing a game. In fact I'll pretty much quit whatever I'm doing to go help someone or hang out.Truth is people run away from their lives to play games, they escape in the world given to them by the developers. It doesn't help that it's also easy to get into it. To be honest, I'd rather live a life where i can socialize and meet people in person than just sit on a video game trying to fulfil my parents neglect. All in all when it comes down to it Video games are great master pieces of art. Many people work on a games including writers, artists, musicians, CG artists, People who write code and graphic designers. without all these people you can't create a video game. Not saying it's impossible but for it to create one but you need people who know this stuff. Video game developers aim to please the fans. What the fans don't realize is that they need to be responsible for their own actions and their own lives. Many people become addicts because they become incompetent and lazy, some times it's just easier than going outside. Countless people have committed suicide because of video game addiction, it's a growing problem. Which is why i will never let myself get too far like i once did. I'm not saying that before this year i played video games 24/7 i just mean that i will never let my self stupor in the low levels of real life again. When you truly realize your life means something to you, you'll stop and realize there are more important things in life. Just sayin, don't get to far or your lives that you've fantasized in a virtual world hyped full of desensitization and brutal annihilation will seem utterly amazing compared to your fickle existence of nothingness in this deep dark world of hurt, so dark that you can't fathom living alone with responsibility's of the every day lives of committed people. "Just sayin watch out for you, not your avatar".

Just like that

2009-09-03T23:02:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box

and suddenly i feel better :D

Usefull to useless

2009-09-03T01:20:00.000-07:00

From Drop Box
Inspirational, that was me on the verge of happiness

Motivational, was I that pushed the team and never looked back

twas I to inspire a motif of learning curves to better you.

It was me who wanted you to grow to your utmost potential.

I saw it happen before my eyes and you, you all became better than expected

Erected were these people of great spirit and energy.

People who believed in themselves because others believed in them.

We were united thanks to my and our efforts as a whole.

I watched you guys grow right under me and over the top of me.

No longer in my shadow you all stand tall before me.

In my face not afraid to say anything.

But it's great to know your on my level and above and have seen what I go through.

Grateful to know that you have surpassed the lessons I can give.

Now all there is is repetition and with that comes the spirit to live.

I can't wait to see you all on your own.

Right now though, I'm having trouble with inspiration.

I seem no longer to have that motivation.

I walk when I could be running and my brain lags back to last week.

Thinking of nothingness, it's like starting anew on my first day.

Like starting again all over.

The first week hurts like hell I know but I didn't realize it would last forever.

Motivation is key and without my inspiration there is none.

I've got nothing to look forward too to complete my goals.

I've lost hope and drowned in my wows

dragging on the floor is my soul.

So out of shape from the the eagerness it use to receive.

So tired from the life it has to lead.

Every day I find something to not care about in a new way.

This anger that I have is dissipating.

I'm only waiting to let it go.

Through the views of myself I've learned so much.

Through this though I've learned that I'd rather not know.

I've lost it all in this mind I call Casey.

I've lost the ball as my mind starts to go crazy.

It's ridiculous how much people can hate, well that's not me.

My question is, “what's the point”?

Seriously now what's the point my dad lived his life and had me and from then on it was a downfall.

I was an accident like most of my generation but really looking at my dads life now and asking that question.

It's depressing, it's depressing because there is none. My dad could die and the only ones who'd care are his family.

We could all go to hell and the only ones who'd care are ourselves.

Our minds could fry and we could all become retarded and nobody would care.

Everybody in this world could disappear and nobody from any other would ever remember.

A man dies in a war, berried with his dog tags, they never knew his name.

No one cares.

I fight my heart out and have a whole team to back myself with and the inspiration isn't there.

It's just not there.

I could run a thousand miles with shin splints, nobody would care.

Could live to be a 100...

you get the idea.

What's the point?

I'm sick and tired of getting blamed for a lot of things.

I'm tired of dealing with every little thing.

I want to be out on my own and take care of my self and maybe one other person but not everybody else.

I want to live my life how I want to live it, but there's that question, “ what's the point”?

People mourn death every day, well they might as well mourn birth too because they're both inevitable.

Ridiculous is life and all it's shambles.

Every corner you turn, a punch in the face.

Every good dead you do doesn't matter.

Dog eat dog world.

Amazing how we all can even live our lives.

The thought of breathing in itself is, I don't know, everything that lives breathes, but whats the point of living.

I just don't know.

Living a lie just seems better than understanding the truth.

That's the world we live in.

that's the world I hate.

To live in such a cozy existence, it's not plausible, nothings plausible.

The world we live in is a sham.

We shouldn't exist, there's no point.

God help me, if I knew there was one I'd be able to believe in something other than this metaphorical way of life.

How could we all be so useless.

Or is it just me, the one who thinks of these petty ideas and preaches nothing of it.

Or is it I who can stand to be a hypocrite no longer.

I wish not to know the meaning of life for there would be no point.

I wish to find the meaning of mine.

Life.

Like my father, I love him so much but it seems the only reason he existed was to have me.

The reason I say this is because since I've left him, he's done nothing with himself.

He doesn't call, he doesn't care about himself, he just willows in the hatred at what use to be.

That is why I asked the question, “what's the point”?

My worst fear is that I will become like him.

Sad, sorry, and a wallowing lump on society.

I wish not to be him, for he has nothing he wouldn't wish for.

Everybody around me, some have it better, others have it worse.

I just don't see the point.

I've lost that sparkle in my eye.

To myself I am nothingness.

I am a shadow of what was once a child with a purpose, but now, there is nothing.

For I will forever be the paper you write on

when you think of something familiar to me, my name is not what comes to mind.

I am the background of which your favorite characters run upon.

I am the desk you sit at every day.

The cup holder you use without thought.

I am the one that never comes to mind.

A ghost.

I do not haunt you, i don't disturb.

I just watch this world as it turns itself inward.

It's hard when you know what you want to do, but know that you don't have the freedom to do it.

It just makes you question.

I wish I was better than what I am because it feels like nobodie believes in me.

an awesome picture

2009-08-31T23:56:00.001-07:00

From Recently Updated
What I see when I come across a picture like this, is true art. True art makes you feel like you could be there, like you could feel the moment in time that it took place. I saw this while rummaging through pics on deviant art and I stopped and stared at it. It made me think a lot about what shows I watch and why I watch them. It made me think of life, death and how much something or someone can mean to somebody. When I look at this it makes me think of so many emotions. It makes me feel the familiarity of what a true story should have. How well emotion can be displayed through a picture is astonishing. That is art.