poetry.

A help to chance out.

Life and self doubt

The unexpected

Rear view reflected.

Opted out.

Seat belt latched.

My self the window hatched.

Act for causation.

No Breaks, please an explanation.

Marines

I changed my mind, as many do.

Asvab

I took the asvab today. It was a regular morning. I got gas and went and took the test. I didn't open my scores until i got home. I need a score of 50 or above to Enlist in the Airforce. I got home and opened up my letter. My score is a 48. It was disappointing but i called my recruiter and let him know. He's proud and apparently there is some hope between grading it that it will go up or down. I'm really holding on to that hope now. If i get a bad score i have to wait 30 days before i take it again. I know that if i take it again i will pass for sure but i really don't want to wait any longer. The impatience i have grows with every second. I want this, but not bad enough. I need to get my head in the game and start treating my life as if it's one in six billion. Realistically the only one who knows what your going to become is you.

i pray for a 50 and if my prayer is answered. Then this will be the first time luck has ever been by my side.

Motivation

pararescue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3UlAzD5d0E part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWXCp_fgl3Q&feature=relatedpart 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQdYJv4Mebk&feature=relatedpart 3

second day

This is only my second day working out, i feel great. But i'm nervous, scared and want to hide from what i'm soon going to be doing. But's because of those emotions that i want to join the air force parerescue. I want to do inside and then come back twice a strong. I want to be out of breathe fighting to survive. i want to rise above and become greater than anyone i know. I want this, and it's not going to be easy. I'm shaking from just a few simple work outs. the second guesses and the mind games are already catching up to me. they're constantly telling me to lay back and grab the bottle. constantly urging me to become nothing but a consumer hell bent on my own destruction. But i am destined for greatness. i want this more than anything and no matter what, i will not stop. I will learn what i need to become greater. i will adapt. I'm no longer going to sit around and am no longer going to put products before responsibility. I'm not joining for the money, i could care less. I want to save lives. i want to be the one they can depend on, always. I want this more than anything and nothing will stand in my way to achieve this. nothing.

airforce

Excited, i see a recruiter this thursday. I have until march to decide if this is what i want.

iwtdbidwptw , live,love,life.

I just can't find my way out of this paper bag.

Friendship

This is why I have friends

[20:01] vnnznnsk: yeah but what's the point of this little tale

[20:02] vnnznnsk: life is beautiful dude

[20:02] vnnznnsk: that's all there is to it

[20:02] vnnznnsk: if you stop looking at life from a human perspective

[20:02] Yiesa (Kc): how can i

[20:02] Yiesa (Kc): im human

[20:02] vnnznnsk: then it's perfect

[20:02] vnnznnsk: i do all the time

[20:03] vnnznnsk: protip: shedding your ego (what makes you "human") is the point of buddhism

[20:04] Yiesa (Kc): i've been asking myself what makes me, me. lately

[20:04] Yiesa (Kc): i cannot seem to find an answer that is satisfactory to me

[20:11] vnnznnsk: well

[20:11] vnnznnsk: what is lacking

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): happiness

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): too much pressure

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): too much from society

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): family

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): get a job

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): make a career

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): i took a month off and now im apparently considered a bum in some ways

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): or thats how i feel

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): thats why i was hating on you the other time

[20:12] Yiesa (Kc): cause i was jeleous and mad at my own situation

[20:14] vnnznnsk: yeah society is a drag and all

[20:14] vnnznnsk: but that's just something you can't let it drag you down

[20:14] vnnznnsk: i mean

[20:14] vnnznnsk: there's no other way

[20:14] vnnznnsk: you simply must survive

[20:14] vnnznnsk: when you accept that you can't do anything but do your best

[20:14] vnnznnsk: it's less of a burden

is this where i am?

as i sit here and stare at this facebook page, i wait.

for what i don’t know, but yet at this state,

i do.

i wait for all of you.

all the people i don’t know.

all the people i do.

i hardly talk to any of you.

but i wait, i wait because this addiction has me.

wrapped up in this affliction i’m mad at me.

Mad at myself because this even exists.

cursed by my views and the way this persists.

I can’t possibly let this hold me down.

and yet i do.

I let this trample me and destroy me.

I let it run wild, i let devour me.

Late nights, the glare off my eye’s.

the tint of blue as they shine.

my soul no longer mine.

and what do i wait for?

anything, excitement, explosions, that serenity that hits me.

when i see a pop up i get giddy

like i use too when i was young.

as if i’m on a roller coaster ride curved only by everyone else’s events.

strapped in for the ride of my life sittin pretty because nobody knows who i am.

sure i go outside i meet new people, i like to know the world.

but when life gets too fast i tend to slow down.

“let me out!” i scream for attention ” let me go!”

who would create such an invention.

And yet i stay glued to this screen that has me baffled beyond all belief.

i’ve no soul, only a puppet controlled.

i’m too far gone “i don’t want to be here!”

i’m too far out ” don’t let me escape!”

I call out to you, but no one hears me.

I call out to me, the silence hears me.

what have i become?

I’ve lost my imagery.

I’ve lost my soul.

I’ve lost everything thats made me whole.

where do i go and where do i begin?

how can i make this right again?

who am i?

who was i?

who do i want to be?

I’m lost in frustration.

scared of this damnation.

what do i do?

Help wanted.

help needed.

help…

been there done tha...

So i've created a world and i need to keep it alive but before i can begin on what i've started i need to put and end to what i've become accustomed to. I've grown and prepared myself to be upfront and to be in the situation. But lately i've been turning my back on reality and delving into what i love to escape in. I use to use what ever means to escape and though back then i was forced out into the light where i would often stay, it's different now. Now i wish to stay away lock myself inside and wait for tragedies to pass over. I want to fulfill my promise to myself and others but i'm so locked away, and i like it. I want to find balance in what i've become. I want to experience life but on my terms. But i need to learn how to change my terms into something more of who i want to be and what i really want to do. I said before i've created a world and it's up to me to keep it alive. it's been 3 days since i put pen to paper and i've almost forgot about it. I can't forget because this world is what defines my imagination currently. It's what's giving me hope that i can change and that i can become something greater. For years i've played the same tune and wrote the same words and copied my own lyrics. But this new world is something different. My imagination has grown, it's soaring through what i've known and flipping it upside down. My inspiration is from a dream, because there i have the most vivid of memories and adventures. I often have nightmares that i'm no longer afraid of but go the distance to go too far and yet, i awake with happiness. I often dream, i often see things no one else can imagine, i can smell it, feel it, and caress the wonderful colors around me and yet they soon enough drift away as i awake. There's more to unlocking my imagination but i need to explore what its given me for if i don't it will become lost forever. I need to change my habits to a more constructed life style. I need to get a hold of myself and realize what i've done and what i should be doing. For too long i've been lost in the imagination of others playing games and reading books. But now, now is the time i wish to perform the same addictive act upon so many. I wish to delve you into the world i've created, i want you to love it, hate it, cherish it, and weep at it. I want you to enjoy it with every emotion you have and i want you to be the most distraught you've ever been but when you read that last page i want tears of joy to fall from your eyes. I want you to thoroughly engage yourself and open up. I want you to believe what i've written and i want you to want me to write it. Help me, love you.