Finding imagination.

I haven't written in so long, it's like i forgot.
Nothing flows from my fingertips.
No voice from out my lips.
No power behind thought...

What rhythm do i have, what have i known?
No creativity, i want to rip the words from out these stanzas

I want to create new life, something that will make me whole
but I am bound by the mental block.
Making words work for me by twisting their definition.
I think of the rhyme and alter my mind so i may just include.
The word i put there, with no feeling.
So i can continue on this already written path, kneeling.
It's so hard to free yourself once you've become grown.
I envy youth even though i am young.
Regret echoes through me,me thinking im done.

I love digging through information, finding out the past.
Wanting something more, asking myself what i think. what i do. there's so much me in this poetry.
How am i amazed, how do i find me. how do i define me?
For years i wish to find this answer.

I am a better me.

Merry Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=FCAJCVait8o

Nothing happens

If you want it to happen, you need to make it happen. See you soon.

Inspiration

            Let's just say i had a lot of inspiration when i was reading articles from my favorite gaming websites. As i grow older i tend to see things as they are and not how i want to see them. Reading for example. For me, it use to be really hard to read. Not the act of but just learning how to endure it. Thats not saying i don't enjoy reading but i can get tired like any other person out there. I've pushed my self so much in the last year both mentally and physically. I feel as if i can really accomplish anything if i put my mind to it. i've always thought it was niave to think that, but i guess its more niave to believe it's not true.
            Before coming back to my blog i was reading some articles about games. i personally have a great passion for video games. Many do not understand the significance of a good game. there is not definition of a Good game. there's is, but not in the way you'd think. There's a certain itch that some games just scratch. It could be the worst game ever created yet, it could be your bread and butter.
          Games inspire people. it's a media art form that has taken off. when i read gaming articles i get so inpsired. Few games these days, if i even have the time to play them are actually enjoyable for me to play. But when i read these articles it reminds me of my child hood. The Journalists talk of what the gaming industry has become and what it is now. But my favorite part is when they go back and say, " but do you remember how it was?" do you? I remember.
           Games were a way to express my feelings. not in the way that one draws a picture but in the way that a horror movie fan loves his horror movies. I love my games, i expressed joy when ever i played ones that just connected with me. I've been playing them all my life. they've been my baby sitter when i was little and they've been my emotional outlet when i was older. Growing up i've played a countless number of video games. There's a great joy and accomplishment when completeing one as well. You play a video game to see if you enjoy it. you beat it because you love it. then you tell your friends.
            For me, games have always been a social outlet. Yes i played them on my own but it was a means to start conversation else where. The internet is full of people who have become inspired by videogames. i've met my closest and best friends there and they are half way accross the world! We love the same things and thats what brings us together. There's a ton of memories the articles i read bring up for me. It brings me back to much more simple time when waking up wans't such a nightmare. waking up and getting a bowl of cerial and talking to your friends on " ventrilo " was just like showing up at school to see all your best friends.
              It's crazy to think but i've had a lot of good times playing games with friends and by myself. there's really nothing else quite like beating a game you dont want to end. It's both sad and joyful. I guess the reason i started this post on inspiration is because i hadn't felt very motivated lately. I've been pretty down, not in a depressed way. It's more like a, why can't i enjoy the things i use to do anymore way. I'm changing as a person and i can see it clear as day. So reading about games new and old and about what they did for the communities. i mean, the reality is when a game is made a community is created and that community cherrishes it. I love being part of those communities. But growing up just pushes me farther and farther from the activities i use to enjoy.
             I'd like to end on a good note. Video games aren't not a waste of time. It takes developers years to complete a game and have it be judged. I'd love to create one some day and in many ways i have created some personal mods. Games inspire people, when a staff of over 2000 people come together ( there could be more people ) to give you their vision of a world you've never seen and experienced before. They want you to explore that world they've created. exploreing that world, it's the best part of games in general. Exploration of the mind. when a kid plays mario, he explores what he could not do in real life. he learns the tricks of controller, he learns to love what he's doing. He learns to love and explore the world set before him. the excitement grows because he wants more. He wants more to explore. When you shut off the game, the child doesn't stop exploreing. thats the beauty of video games. thats the beauty of the social communities surrounding them. when the game is done, there is so much more to it. so much more we can add to make it an even better experience for ourself and for others. when the games off, is when the ideas fly and how new games are created.

              inspiration, comes after the game is beaten, or after the book is read. What if ?

( sorry for all the typos, i dont really have time to correct them right now, Love you guys! )

hello truth, meet lies.

My life is not the life I thought I'd have. Nor is it the life I had before.

         My priorities are much different than the ones I use to have. This world is not a kind place and those who treat it as such are lucky. Well, I envy you. I understand hard times but what others don't understand is that it can always be harder. I spent 10 months in the Marine Corps. I'm now a Lance Corporal. I've learned so many lessons about life and each one involves you to just stop think. Stop and think for yourself. No ones does this. I often describe the Marine Corps as a giant ocean full of shit. They push you off with rocks tied to your hands and feet. Your goal is to swim to the surface. The surface can be one of two things. It can either be the end of your enlistment, or the point where you realize your finally above the rest. There's so much shit to get through, so many people holding you back. All you can do is think and remember what the air is like to breathe. 

          In retrospect it's all good memories. But living it will always be hell. I've hardly done anything with my career and I feel as if I'm more experienced in life than any average civilian my age. Not in education per say but in over all experience. 10 months of learning how to kill someone. Think about it. It's all I want to do, is go over seas and get some. It's all anyone wants to do in the Corps. It's what we train for. That's not all we learn though, we learn to protect. I did not want to join the military in peace time. I admit I had no idea how hard it is and what it means to go over seas before I even joined. But now, almost every NCO and above I've met in the Corps has killed someone. Think about it, the stories I've heard. I just want to do my job, I just want to do what I've been trained to do. I'll get mine some day. I'll get mine.

        I just want to crash and burn. I want to take every school that will throw me to the wolves. It's the only motivating thing about the Marine Corps. 

      Out of all this I still haven't even said what I sat down to say. I can't explain my mindset, I can't be the same person I was before. I hate everything I write, I can't play the music I use to. I don't enjoy what I use to do in the past. I hate wasting time, and I hate small unit leadership. I've been a leader for most of my career and all the leader does is take the blame. That's it, I've been getting punished for shit I haven't done since the beginning. I'm use to it I guess. Marines never Lie Cheat or Steal. In fact, it's all we do.

         You can't begin to understand unless you go through it. Literally I miss pain. I miss consequences. I don't regret joining and I certainly can't wait till I get out. 

       I just want to mash this keyboard, no words can express what I feel anymore. Nothing can be done, constant frustration. Constant everything. 

        I spend my time off with my brothers. I cannot spend any time alone. My time off is valuable to me. I only have so much of it.

      Like I said, no words can describe me anymore. 

     Broken, fixed, patched, lean, dense, strong, smart,willing, daring.

      Words are just words after all.

Chaos

     Do you ever get that feeling its just going to be a bad day?
Well here it is. Today is not eventful at all. In fact I planned it that way. But because I planned it that way, I may have hurt others. By hurt, I mean pissed off. Why should my day off be my day off? Lets add some cynicism, you don't play a game of poker without knowing how to win. My day off meant more to me than others did. For once I played the GP (general population) card and only cared about my self. Now those currently in GP will be pissed.
     I suppose I am a little worried. I did not intend for it to be a huge deal, though I feel it will most likely be. So as I sit here bored out of my mind and wallow in my non productive activities, I wait. I wait for the excitement to come rushing back to me in all its glory. For the trust I have currently gained will surely be lost and the people will hate another. 
      My thoughts on the matter. Yes I should have played it safer and just went with my morals. Yes I should have volentold myself and yes I shouldn't have acted so sly. No I shouldn't have the two days off that I have right now. Yes I should feel terrible. Should, shouldn't I? Is it possible that I cannot decide? I don't really feel that bad. Honestly, when I think about the situation it just kind of makes me sigh. 


      You do something right for so long, can it really be that bad to do some wrong?


Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

try?

I thought i knew poetry, i thought  knew rhymes.
I thought i knew imagery, i thought i knew time.

I Believed i had heart
I believed in my self.

Back then i had so much passion, so much to give.
But now its so hard just to live.

The things that happen every day.
The way people act in every way.

I can't stand who im becoming
I can't stand who i've become.

when will i just be fucking done.
When will it all just go away

When can this life just finally say.
Pack your shit and go away.

so out of it

Im so out of it.
I envy you.
The heart, the passion.
The light, your laugh.

The way you smile.

What I thought I needed I have.
What I know now, I laugh.

The time gone, the money spent.
How many wrongs came and went.

Often I tried but never won.
Often you cried, always undone.

The fear,the facts.
The here and now.

How I've gotten this far I wonder how.

Think back then.
Think back when.

20 years ago.
one more year to go.

Does it matter?
no limitations.
its all there.

The memories of the old brought back like the new.
From a simple memory reminding you.
I envy you.

the young.

There is still so much unknown.

Im so out of it.

Stay as i remember you

As I live farther and farther away time seems to press on without a single worry. As friends start to leave me behind I begin to wonder. The time I spend working keeps my mind busy. At the end of the day all you can really think about is how you've gotten where you're at. You think a about every what if situation possible. Thinking use to be much worse. Back when liberty wasn't a thought, when literally thinking too many what if scenarios drove you bored with your own conscious.  Life now is just as simple as it was then, there's just less to do and more to fuck it up. I can talk about the new corps vs the old but I only know the present. I know that I'm proud to be here but extremely unsatisfied with almost everyone I've met. The epitome of absolute laziness in some, carelessness in others. Its selfish thoughts that make your days long and your thoughts farther from your own. But that doesn't stop them, they'll always be here. They're a community you must rise above. You almost need them to even try. Hard decisions fall daily, but the time we can relax has been great. I miss my friends and family, just the way I left them. I feel as I've walked into some time machine. As if I step out for a minute and never came back. Life gets harder as it goes on. Stay with me people, I need you.

peace and quiet

The closest of you.
shadows.
light hits concrete.
For the most of you.
Days.
minutes turn to friendships as we meet.
Thoughts turn into action as our hands clasp with passion.
Nights.
Empty hearts fill for just a moment.
Gone again, as the day wakes the waves.
Crystal clear.
Full are the dreams that wake me into existence.
Empty is the life we push forward.
thoughts.
Until we meet.
The life that goes on.
Forever here.
Wishing, wanting, hoping.

waiting..

Scared I am

The motivation that drives and inspires me is simply implacably gone.

Hours shout minutes as life lives on.

Days often rain as rain often crashes.

Here I am with my little box of matches.

Afraid to see the light as it paves way.

I dare not light one, here I stay.

Standing with my brothers unable to see.

That I hold the light that is the key.

Their hands empty cold and tan.

We work in the dark with our fellow man.

Led by money greed and power.

We fight each and every hour.

To hold our grasp on reality.

We learn to deal with fatality.

The distance bothers some.

It bothers me none.

I planned to get away.

To light the path for my brothers.

But they digress like all the others.

So I hold this matchbox tightly in my hand and pray for my brothers and fellow man.