morally I object.

At the current moment. This is how I feel about our military." I don't care how many opportunities you present. There's no honor in taking away someone's liberty to achieve your personal goals as a politician.  Furthermore, Vietnam should have been the end of it. The failure that is the war in the middle east has perfected the military industrial complex.  Where does the money go and why is it always more? The marines taught me invaluable life lessons of indoctrination and treachery that I didn't understand until I left.  Now that I'm in the army reserves.  The expectation of machismo and the effortless attitude that I must work 24/7 without pay until my time of drill is an indoctrination from the start. I am property on the days that I am paid and on the days that I am not,  I am expected too. This  is an over reach of authority and is pushed constantly.  Without people giving it their all and constantly working for free. Without mass psychology this organization would fucking go under. To all the individuals who seek and think they display honor by working hard. Was it worth missing that funeral,  your child's birth, your family.  If you are to die. There are sanctions in place to make sure your family is not taken care of and that they are left with nothing but a memory of you. The hope that you honored your country. It is a lie, you honor only the men you stand beside when faced with impossible odds. That is it.  Because they too, have been taken advantage of. Ask yourself,  why the young? Why you ? There is no right or wrong answers only moral ones. "

for carly

 Jan 11 2018

I'm tired of Life, tired of giving
I'm afraid it all won't be worth living.
I can see it all from this lense of purity.
I can choose to believe in this false sense of security.
With words, I can mean I love you.
With words, I'll will never let you down.
With words, I will always be there.
With words, I hope to never see you frown.
 I'm so tired of life, giving and giving away.
I hope to God you won't end up like me.
But you know, youre what makes it worth it.
Because with words, at least I know you heard it.

Never stop

I had a dream, that was on the way to drop off my daughter to her mother. On the way to the car, I set Carly down. When I opened the door, she took off. I dropped my things and chased after her. As she ran away, I noticed she started to grow. I followed and ran and chased. She continued to grow. Her pants got smaller. Her shoes tighter. Her coat, which was below her knees was now at her waste. Her hair was past the middle of her back. She was so tall. I had a dream, by the time I caught up with her. She had no idea who I was.

Let it, pour. Define it.

I need it to rain, for me.
It's how I feel, raw, all the time up underneath.
Wanting, wishing, holding on to that feeling.
Chest constricting, shoulders forward, kneeling.
No prayers, nothing answers the call.
No layers, no, there's nothing there at all.

I need it to rain, for me.
Watch it down pour, live, as I hear your resentment from across the hall.
Foot steps loud, like knives. Imagining the floor, watching my body fall.
Heart wrenched, I'm grasping for air. Face wet, chest cold. I crawl.
Inside myself, where I thought there was safety.
All I find, is the history of reality that made me.

I need it to rain, for me.
Watch it all fall out. get crushed.
Watch myself sit on the couch and spill my guts.
I find my self asking all the time, well just what?
I read books, to stop this motivation.
I can't stop these thoughts of inflation.

I need it to rain for me.
I'm in a better place of understanding.
When does it get better, when will it stop being so demanding.
If I only knew how much of you was left standing.
Then again, maybe I just never understood why you were so commanding.

I need it to rain, for me.
Met with opposition, clasped hands and desperation.
You feed me your insecurities, like a deposition.
When I questions your reality, you can't answer the whole picture, all I'm asking for is the definition.
You've never been able to define what it is you're looking for.
So you blame and resent me for everything your not, already are.

I need it to rain for me.

Who am I?

Who am I and why is that so hard to answer?
To some, I am a brother, a son, a father and a husband.
Who am I and why is that so hard to answer?
To me, I am
How do I answer this ?
To me, I am a poet, a song writer, an artist.
To me, I am an adventurer, a leader, a fighter,
To me, I am who I'm aspired to be.
I've been so focused on surviving these last few years, that I've forgotten what it was like to be me.
Hiding parts of me I'm afraid others wont like.
Saving the best parts of me for myself has lead me to feel lonely and closed off.
I miss feeling free, I miss feeling good.
Life has it's highs and lows.
I need to remember that.

I Hurt Myself Yesterday

Away, too busy to feel.
The facade I carry begins to peel.
At home, so safe that nothing can hurt me.
Out there, afraid to expend too much energy.

This part of me builds up.
The anticipation welling inside me.
Or is it anxiety?

I act sad. I just need a little compassion.
Do I go do the things I don't want to do?
Do I fight myself, is this the right action?

It's in the air, the weight of it all.
The lights dim, there you go and here I fall.

All the help and notes I have, thrown out the window with anger.
I just need a little compassion.
I close my eyes. I don't want to see red, I don't want to see danger.

But here it is, unable to cope.
As my indecision tears me apart.
All I can do is hope.

It's never enough, I feel like I have to decide.
I'm done being tough, I just want to lie here and cry.

Being tough is as easy as seeing black and white.
Seeing true color scares me.
I'm just so afraid to fight.

That's why, I hurt myself last night.

Oldsmobile with a 442

Whether you know it or not.
You filled a void I would later discover that I had.

All that pent up anger all the times I got mad.
I didn't know then that you would be that important to me.

I didn't even know if you loved me.
But you were there.

For the most of it.

I just wanted to let you know.
That because of you, I am the man I am today.

The good and the bad.
Thank you so much for the family I was apart of.

How to.

Who's perceptive do you trust to tell the story?
I've always told them from mine.
This time, for some reason it just doesn't feel right. But I think I will anyway.

What if told you, I always told you, what i think and not what I know.
what if i told you, I only ever cared how everything rhymed to flow.

All these feelings every thought I ever had went on paper good or bad.

Using language less than grammatically correct  to convey the only way I know how to protect, my feelings.
Dealing with this demon called emotion.

Growing up every day being told to forget and push down, sadness, love, joy, and anger.

Every day being told to be quiet so others could think about how they can ignore their own sadness, love joy and anger.

I like to write poems that make you feel the way I do.
However, I've lost the way to convey the emotion now that I understand how to wait and feel.

Not everything has to rhyme or be apart of its on unique system. This system is what has me stuck, its what has me glued to my past.  Believe I use to be this, while ignoring what I am now. knowing what I felt then is different but wondering why I can't feel what know now. what I meant was, why can't I convey how I feel even though I have a better understanding.
  Of how to just let go.

I could talk about the way I grew up, but it's so far away.
I could talk about the way I use to think but I don't remember anymore.
What I don't remember is I can't remember if I've forced myself to forget or if I've actually forgotten.
Ive talked about being lost in my own head.
Not knowing. I talk about not knowing a lot.
However.

It's hard to describe.

It's not that waking up everyday is challenging. It's that by the evening, I often wish I hadn't. Some times I realize this even sooner, but the days go on. I don't know how to explain my frustration, my sadness or why I can't just accept happiness. It's this weird desire in me I can only explain as being human. This need to want more even after I've been given or earned everything I have. I just can't escape this thought any time I'm happy. I want more, but I want more now. This impatience is slowly killing my character and who've I've built my self up to be. I see it, yet I can do nothing but watch. I'm slowly killing myself because of my inner monologue. I'm mentally withering away because my inability to accept myself as who I am. I think because I just don't know who I am. I've met so many great people that all I've recognized I do is imitate. I try my best to imitate greatness anywhere I can. I catch myself imitating friends, family. I often notice around others that I act. I do not know why and only notice after I've put on a show. I question who I am every minute of every day. Was that me, or would I say that? Truth is I'm also indecisive in the way that I act. I cannot chose what is my favorite anything. If asked personally. I can make many sound decisions. But when it comes down to putting a numbered order to what my interests are. It's as if I'm thrown to the front of the stage and I have no lines. I often have thought about why I have no lines and cannot perform and be open personally. I simply am too afraid to be open. Too scared to admit to people who I am. So scared of what others might think. I've built walls around who I am with messengers at the gates. Rehearsed lines and small talk to excuse those who I really have no interest in. So anyway, I often find my self thinking at the end of the day, or some times the beginning. Why life has so much despair and tragedy? It would be better if I didn't have to experience it all. I often wonder.

I go through this cycle every week. To point where I don't recognize myself. I freak out and can't calm down. My heart races and the sadness trickling down my spine is not enough to console me. It's a viscous cycle that I like to describe often as sadness and despair. I don't know why my blood boils at nothing and my impatience for anything takes over. I can't explain myself. Those around me have no idea. They don't understand, the same as me. I can't even describe why. Every day I just grow more and more tired of being me. More and more tired of being who I am and watching who I want to be wither away. I can't even compare it to darkness anymore. It washes over me like waves as if I just lie down and let the sand take me. Breathing through it all. It does nothing. What I feel is what I've always felt. It's always been there but I'm much more tired now than I ever have been before. I don't know who I am suppose to be. I am so tired of me. All of my happiness couldn't bring me back. The only thing that brings my mind back from this misery is those moments in my life where others were experiencing the same. In those moments I had enough connection to feel relevant and wanted. Relevant because of the moment and wanted because just being together. But those moments are long gone and I doubt I will ever see such trials that bring one another again. Which brings me to my disappointment in what I thought I knew about myself.

I thought I knew that I wanted to go out on my own and be away from everybody. But now all I wish for is to be back in those hard times with those people. Whether I hated them or not, it didn't matter. Our experiences together will always be remembered. I know others feel the same way, but life moves on. Life moves on whether we want it to or not. You can move with it or you can stand still, time doesn't care. I feel as if I've moved forward with time. But mentally I've been feeling as if I made the most regrettable decision of my life. Mentally I've hit a dead end. Mentally, I cannot press on and find myself falling farther back. I only realize this once a week. When I'm brought back to the reality of this harsh world. The reality that friendships and people don't last forever. The ones who don't say good bye are gone forever. It's at these times I look back at those moments, those trials and I wish would have never left. There's a deep ache in my heart that will never go away.

waking at dawn

I miss the time's where I'd stare at the endless sea.
Information and curiosity.
The search was never ending and you never knew what you were looking for.
All you knew was you wanted more.

A lot has happened since then.
A simple time with like minded friends.

Something that came across easily, something that stayed.
The friends that never left were the true friends I made.

Waking at dusk to see the nautical twilight.
Eye's open, the perfect night.

Music subtle and surrounding.
Light scrolling passed, astounding.

Friends always on, people everywhere.

I miss the time's where I'd stare at the endless sea.
A wonderful time for information and curiosity.

A time in which I had time.

Closed up

I don't know what to say anymore.

want

You can see that I'm hurting. But rather than sticking with me through my pain.You walk away and assume I'm too busy to help you. God help me, it's crippling.

Too tired to remember.

Nothing describes how empty I feel when I'm alone. Nothing compares how soulless I feel when your with me. Hollow is how I would describe me. It's like a pit at the top of my stomach. only able to feel the edges of the abyss that is my conscious being. Frustration builds inside. The doubt carries. The cold draft that kisses you, never leaves. Making it unbearable. Tears, A well of sorrows. Hiding waves of emotion. Uncontrollable emotion. Never let it out. Never be who you are. They refuse to understand. Or  so I think. Or so I'll always believe.

Always, alone. Resting inside my head. I'm tired. I've thought this for so long. I always wondered why but I always pushed on. I pushed my body beyond it's limits and learned what it was to be a man. I pushed my mind to ignore feeling, both emotional and pain. I pushed my self so hard that I got lost. Then I remembered that I was tired. Then I found myself again. This is when I gave up. I gave up long before I left. I gave up after I destroyed myself. Then I just lived. Trying to understand why I was tired. trying to figure out what I was tired of or who. But I think I finally understand now. What I'm tired of, is life. The single act of living pains me. Breathing day in and day out. Just being just to be. I don't think I could put more people on this earth. What a terrible thing that would be. How awful. To let someone be born. to let someone live.

But. There are always two sides to everything. Because when I don't remember that I'm tired. That's when I know that I am happy. That's when I know, that I'm being me without knowing it. Life's complicated and I hate that. Some times I get tired. It's what I do when I don't remember that. That's me. These days though, the thought never leaves me. No matter how much sleep I get, I push on because the people around me. They are what help me forget.

This feeling will never leave. But I've slowly learned to be adequate at pushing it away. I just happen to push away those who love me as well. This curse will never go away. Maybe some day, I will finally, truly understand. Life.

English

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

But next brings you no where and time has past.
How long will we do this, "oh look, that was fast!" 

So you click next.

What do you want from me?

I just don't understand.
Is what I thought a year ago wrong?

Am I right today?
When will this go away?

Does the feeling never disappear?
When I speak, what do you really hear?

I just don't understand.
Ignore me, while I hide within myself.

I know there's no answers there.
All I know is that I don't care.

I don't understand.
Am I dead inside?

Too emotional too distraught.
So why in past tense have we fought?

I don't understand.
Is it me, is it you?

I feel blind, nothing is ever enough.
We have it all, look at all this stuff !

I don't understand.
Quality time. what's this?
I guess I don't want to learn either.
Back to the abyss..

wHen pEopLe become sheePle...

How to say and what to do.
How we do and what we say.

To act different or to act true.
It's an art, for the few.

To hold on to some self respect.
But to let anger take aim and neglect.

Those we hurt and those who see.
Imitate.

Those who watch and don't follow.
contemplate.

With knowledge comes power.
Conceded.

Those who pretend to know.
Hurting those who don't.

The people who want change, never will and wont.

Tact is something special.
You have to try, you have to care.

Just remember its not always fair.

Kaleidoscope of broken promises..

Thank you for everything.
Is thanks enough?
For all you do and all you are.
All you've ever been and all you ever needed to be.

Thank you for everything.
The confidence the gratitude.
My reason, my attitude.
Ever changing.

Is thanks enough?
I had hoped so but it feels like I don't speak the same language.
This is rough.

Soft tones and beautiful notes.
Songs that create scars, movies that create holes..

For all you do and all you are.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know why it's so hard.

Tight sheets and flat pillows.
A bed so cold, space that never ends.

All you've ever been and all you ever needed to be.
I just want to say that I'm sorry.
That I wasn't the same way.

A man can promise a thousand things...

Feeling without feeling.

Crying without you.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
Ignoring the rain, I have to ponder.
Do I care who I share mine with?
The life I carry, the burden or so?
Does my mind wonder, yes and no.
No feeling at all.
From my heart to yours, lets have a ball.
Crying with you, there's warmth in our tears.
Against you, solace in comfort.
Away, fingers grip nothing as air is often cold.
Eye's closed, forgetting how to hold.
The longer the distance, the time apart.
The more I miss you, straight from my heart.
Crying without you, or crying alone.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
I forget who I am.
I forget who we are.
I lose myself without you.
While away, I don't remember.
Why this facade, this charade .
To say I don't care would be a lie.
Crying without you.
Ignoring the rain.
I want you to know about my pain.
I love you.

Facade

I've opened so many pages to express myself.
Sad and defeated I write the same two stanzas.

Focus on one thing at a time.
A list of words runs through my mind.

Deep and heartfelt pauses.
Nothing there.

To convey what makes me, me.
To write down who I am.

To continue to explain. Stuck in this same formula. Written words actually keeping me down instead of expressing why I frown. Cheap rhymes to make myself think I'm lyrical. Often hysterical, too caught up in one breath to remember the next. My heart stops beating. Cold I wonder through. All the pleasantries all the amenities. Thankful,thankless. Careless.

My heart hurts as it sinks lower than any other time before. My mind just under the sunrise. My lungs dark and full. My body ill, my face still. My hands jittery and my legs weak. No strength to stand, no strength to be. No will to continue, no memory.

My mind floats on these empty notions. Continue! it hurts. The thoughts echoing. no thoughts heard. face still, eyes wondering. The things I want to see. The day dream that ends it all. The expression, speechless. The amount it takes, the push forward the shove against.

My ears.. bleed with lies. The facade, dedicated. The hurt, the sorrow. The unwillingness to follow. My hands the only thing there. The only stopping power. Metaphorically and and physically. Two ways two walls. They search for answers as they grip the back of my skull. Wishing and wanting to tear away this mask. This facade, this person. To get rid of it, to shed the skin of what he is. To leave this person. To put him away. Shut him out. Fingers digging and prying. Nails dirty, blood drying. Hair matted, warm and thin. Hands cracking, dried. Living this this fucking life is a lie!

No outlet no trust. So embarrassed to just be me. So beaten its sad. To wake up with a new lie is all i wish. To wake up and fly. To jump to learn, to leap your turn!  Knees weak and feeble. crashing down. The crack loud. the pain astounding. The bat against the head, pounding. Teeth grit, bits sharpen. Eyes, waterfall. Ears bleeding. The heart, oh the heart. People, others just keep kicking.

Nothing I want is here. Nothing here is fulfilling. Nothing I've ever wanted. To give it my all, is all I've ever done. Just so angry. So sad. to lift a finger is too much to not lift it enough is too little.

So conflicted. SO CONFLICTED. SO CONFLICTED! These people are not me, so why do I try to be them. These people, These people, These people! Just give a little thought. But then....

I don't lift a finger. too defeated. too fearful. to afraid to even say. Too much going on at once, too much. Just too much!  I want this off my mind, i want this out of my site. I want this, I WANT THIS, I WISH TO BE BLIND. I wish to be felt sorry for to wonder no more. to have my fucking spoon. to live this fucking womb, i want it to be silver. I want to be with me. I want never to be away. I want never to have it be this way. I WANT MYSELF TO NEVER GIVE UP.

Physically! Oh Physically. The pain i've felt and endured. shit sucks i hate it, but it makes me feel. I feel something there. I hate it so much. So much! but its the only time happiness is there. The fight after the accomplishment. the rest, or even during. I dont know what im saying anymore i just can't stand this. this fucking life. It's not exciting. it's uninteresting. It's boring. I'M BORING! I hate it. I never paid attention. to carry a casual conversation. I fuck it all up. Everyone so much better. So high and mighty. To live your life like your a god among men. to spoon feed yourself lies. The confidence i wish i had. The uneasy feeling. the butterflies gone. God damn it i just wish i didn't have it all fucking wrong.

All fucking wrong... I hate it. i want more of something else. My mind full, my heart heavy. My fucking body sluggish. All fucking wrong! Hate, Hate. i've never hated myself so much before. My worst critique. My worst enemy.

My worst enemy. Myself. To type, to write. To express my hate. I want to pound this keyboard. i want to throw this laptop across the room. I want it to smash the mirror in front of me. I want to step on the many pieces that lay on the floor. Pick up the shards and watch my face in disgust. I want to hate So badly.  So much inside. Two Different People. TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. same mind, same sign. same name. same person. Same people. people, how i act, [people how i am ] PEOPLE too much.

I just hate him so much. I want to be the other person. I want to rip away this facade and go crazy to live life as if it didn't fucking phase me. To have no memory of being so weak. To fight everyone, every day. to fight it all off so i can stay. To become one with myself. to find myself, to live with myself. To be, to be! TO BE ME! I want to live!

That cloud. Where.

What ever it is, it haunts me.
It's been with me since i can remember.

It's cold.
It hurts.

It isn't learned.
It just happens.

I want to forget it. but it's so strong.
Turning days i enjoy into wrong.

It's like i can't try.
As if everything's a lie

It looms over.
It waits on my shoulders.

Consciousness.

There's only so much to give.

Giving anymore empties my soul.
Feeling as if nothing will ever make me whole.

Not that i haven't made bad life choices.
But i love what i've done.

I just...

Can't.

Context, unbecoming.
People, maybe, wondering.

Colorful words read description.
Maybe i do need a prescription.

I need something to keep me going.
All this hate, just keeps growing.

I haven't used an outlet in some time.

Anything i can think of.

i can't lift a finger.
My body, the cloud lingers.

heart heavy, breathing slow.
As if my body just didn't know.

just...


just.


maybe.