Pressure

Again I got something that told me what to do. I got a fortune cookie today that says " Seek out significance of your problem at this time. Try to understand". Nothing like a good fortune cookie. I just, still don't know.

do it.

So I wrote a poem today, not knowing what it said. when I was finished I put it in my bag and didn't read it until later today. I was kind of star struck at what I had said in this poem. I literally answered my own problem without even knowing. It was surprising to say the least but I don't know if can do what the poem told me to do. I just don't know.

So ...

so apparently I've become a profession at digging my self the deepest holes imaginable and falling in them. Just the way it is with everything.

Unsound, mind rotten

From Drop Box

Wrote this Last week in class while ignoring the teacher when she spoke of John Donne the poet.

In my mind I've been skipping class.

Physical sentences whiplash.

The ability to care is as thin as air.

There's no improving, my life is a nightmare.

I see my future very clearly.

I see what my family means to me so dearly.

Or, I don't

This shadow haunts my being.

It controls whatever I'm seeing.

I do not know why i have been given a cloud.

Ever since it's rained many days along with thunder, Loud.

My mind seeks forgiveness and well being.

but it's under the control of a shadow, always fleeing.

Thus the curse of light.

I may never know light again if this cloud hangs forever.

I may never shake it, for I am not that clever.

I wish to do well and i wish i hadn't lied.

For right now I fear the inside of me has died.

unrelenting hold, wont you let go?

Things would be so much easier if you didn't hang so low.

It's in my eyes they fill with darkness.

I have lost my soul.

It is something it stole.

I have lost my way.

I do not know the meaning of enjoying a day.

I have forgotten my mind.

I have lost it and soon may never find.

I need help, obviously.

With no path means no obligation.

So i will sit until i rise to seek investigation.

I will wait to be saved.

But it will be too late if my path is already paved.

Life, why are you so senseless.

You make me and everyone else Defenseless.

I Need Motivation.

Should or Shant that is the Question

From Drop Box

Dear friends who'm greet me with great respect.

Will you think less of me if i recollect?

How about if I never tell?

How then, will you know I fell?

In what way is my choice wrong?

Is it because it's almost dawn?

For it to be too late or too early,

I must know if you think Surely.

The path already taken.

Is there a way or am I mistaken?

Can I breathe smoke so clear?

Can I not live in fear?

In what way shall I commence the destruction,

and how with this deduction?

Will I become like the ones you see?

No, no, I cannot break the foundation of me.

My will is too sound.

In a way I have found.

Maybe, maybe, just a way,

to stay stable long enough to pay.

oh what are my choices with relaxation?

It's like every part of me, pressed with taxation.

Shall I not fear of what others think?

Or Shall I care about everything with every blink?

Stress reliever, pain reducer.

Sounds a bit like you sir.

May I have my mind, no?

oh? Is it my head you stole?

No? Is it my heart in whole?

woh. It is infact my will.

Will without motivation and motivation without will.

I want it back.

I wish to ask nicely

But that would be unwise of me.

Seeing as that you are a god, a mad hatter.

You will never give back what you've taken through the means of others.

Nor will you reply to the beliefs of mothers.

Hear them cry as you will, for you are as cynical as we.

Except you may never know the pain of me.

I am different and do what I believe.

So when I make decisions, instead of looking up.

I look through what you foolishly gave us.

I look through the mind you've stolen and the heart you've crushed along through my eyes you've blinded to veer us so that you may jeer us as we walk foolishly through a dark room with a door that has no knob. You disgrace us with the thought of personality and the mention of spirituality, but those who believe do not deal with the situations I have and that you've bestowed.

Should I or Shant?

That is the question.

What i've missed

From Drop Box

I've written some poetry that wanted to post about a week ago but my mind wasn't up to the task. Now that it is hopefully i can type them all up :D

This poem was kind of a rebellious act towards the analysis of poetry. I got sick of ripping apart artwork and trying to understand the meaning when in fact every opinion interpreted could be correct. There's not point to that, so i wrote this poem and read it to the class and everybody clapped loudly for me and agreed. it was nice, but this is by far the most repetitious poem I've ever written.

Over Analyze This!

I write, I write

it comes to me so naturally

I write, I write

it speaks to me so fluently

so why, so why

do we pick apart

so why, so why

that beautiful art

you see, you see

there is no greater meaning

you see, you see

it's only what your feeling

oh how, oh how

can we be so insensitive

oh how, oh how

can humans be so tentative

to take, to take

ways of literature so fine

to take, to take

and destroy by crossing the line

you can't, you can't

see the natural beauty

you can't, you can't

you must read so loosely

to find, to find

the real purpose of a poem

to find, to find

isn't this curriculum

The purpose, the purpose

is what you per sieve at first glance

the purpose, the purpose

not what you guess each and every chance

it is,it is

only what your feeling.

Wrote this in class while questioning the idea of man compared to god.

The Horror of Purpose

Why would god create death? If god had a personality then what is the purpose of us?

To have all power

to create with no desire

inseparable the thought of him

He who cares all

watches as each on of us fall

Define Justice

The one who hears our thoughts

the battles we've lost

what is the purpose?

To believe is to relieve our minds of responsibility

We know too much, for we cloud our minds

The fear will over come us, we will find

"God", we'eve named our secret accomplishments

The wishes that have come true

That is why we fear ourselves like we do

We are gods, to conceited to think it was us

Deep down, we know

For we'eve created it all, and all one day we will show.

Wrote this yesterday cause i got bored and thought about how life is so long but can be easily taken away.

Slick Isle and smug faces

Nail files and bullet cases

you watch as the bullet enters your skull

I watch as it hits me in full

what I've done only half of you can see

so please, try, try to believe me

you had crossed a line nobody could see

If I didn't act fast it would have been me.

Your knees hit the ground, looking at the sky,

arms limp to his side, I didn't want him to die.

Face to the floor, A reflection of me.

Frozen at my core, no only pity

In shock, I holster the realization

Mind locked, stuck with the image

Calling for back up i say, " we've got two dead"

my brain thinking on the walls

my body stiff as it falls

Goodbye.

Roger, Roger, i gotcha.

From Drop Box

What one does with anger will always be reckless. I've written plenty about my own sorrows but what cause's them I've only half revealed. Let me start by explaining that being rude, mean, unkind, or selfish is what people do when they have no others means of letting out stress. Stress can be dealt with by one of two ways, you can either deal with the problem or let it stress you out. Get it done or procrastinate. Basically everybody who uses the 4 types of being an ass obviously has a lot of pent up stress. These people don't know how to deal with them selves in the correct manner, specially around people that can be quite annoying. This means they have no self control. No self control is bad and if your over the age of 40, I think you need to kill yourself if you have none. Okay so here's the deal, I'm sick of walking around eggshells spread about the floor so I don't have to wake the raging gorilla while it sleeps. In fact I'd like nothing more then to just leave forever and never come back, but that wont happen any time soon. So because of walking around those precious egg shells I've grown tired and started slipping up only to be yelled at and scolded. I have also grown tired of the ways I've been talked to in the past, the scoldings are useless when anything can be summed up in about four or five words. There really is no point to raising your voice when I'm three feet away. You think because you yell louder that I will get it, when in fact you say you don't intend to intimidate. Well here lies the truth my dear boy, you do. You yell because nobody will listen to you if you don't, or at least that's what you think. Life doesn't work like that, You've proven this with one of your own analogy's. If someone explains a problem that they have and explains it worse than it already is, doesn't it make the situation worse? Of course it does. So then why must you yell at the top of your lungs to get your point across. I'm only 3 feet away and I'm only human. Compare me to what you want with your ill and retarded realizations but I am in fact smarter than you can begin to understand. When you yell I stay calm with composure, when you bitch and moan, I listen and wait. Why do I wait? I wait because some how your ignorance of your own feelings inspires me. You are but the ink in my pen and the thread to my needle. You mean nothing to me unless applied with one of my desires. In fact you are nothing to me, not a figurehead, not a role model, but nothing. You can yell but it's only a matter of time before life tunes you out, you gluttonous pig of society.

I might mention that not all Rude, Selfish, Unkind, and Mean people act the same.

I hate myself, The cup Half full.

From Drop Box

lately I've been a little confused with my actions. I come home from a good day at school but wait, i feel stressed. Stressed about what? I ask my self, but i just don't know. I've been asking myself that for awhile ever since I've stopped doing what use to be fun to me. I've stopped playing video games and I've stopped reading books. The things I use to enjoy I just stopped doing. I use to think it was depression or maybe that something was wrong with me but I just couldn't figure it out.Today, of all days I kind of figured out why i have that stress and what enables it. The stress that is built up in me is ironically everybody else's. I realized that today after I had told a friend a story about a stupid underclassmen. That friend said, "Casey, you need to Empty your cup and become like Zen". After he said this I sat down and thought to myself, "I couldn't do it". Couldn't do what? I thought that I couldn't become like Zen. The the excuse I gave was that I can't stop caring about those around me. That friend said a quote from Buddhism which I don't remember, but included being your natural self in a way. I've always viewed the cup as half full but that wasn't my problem. I don't have a problem with myself at all, I am not the reason why I am stressed. It's the fact that I like listening to the little things people have to say. This is what gives me the power to help friends. This is my problem, this sounds a bit selfish, of which i do not ever intend to be, but as my friend said, "You need to empty your cup". I see now that I can care about myself and still care for others. This is why I have been stressed, recently I've been so worried thinking of what other people think and of what their views are of certain things that I have forgotten about myself. I care for a lot of people and I know I listen well which here lies my actually problem. ////////////// apparently my EGO knows no bounds seeing that, I've realized that i am single handedly one of the most cocky persons i know of. I can't say what my real problem is because in reality I don't think i have one. I mean sure I've got tons of problems that i need help with but... That's it, I just found my problem... I think too much. It's as simple as that, I overly think about everything that ever crosses me that I sometimes even under think things I know aren't important. In other words I know when to be useful and I know when to lay back but I never know when to stop thinking. This is what my friend said about emptying my cup, I need to just stop thinking about everybody else and focus on the simple things. Perhaps I've been enduring life for so long I've forgotten how to enjoy it. I say this because when ever I'm not with some one I act as if I'm in a jail cell waiting for my next visitor. I wait and think about everything that I've ever done and how it has effected me and the people around me. Then when i get a visitor I'm completely content with my decisions, but after they leave I go back to my cell and wallow in self thought in spite of my own accomplishments. My problem is that I think I secretly hate myself for being me. Which is why I never want to be like me again because when I'm real and down to earth people are scared and turned off. People think of Heaven as a beautiful place and I, well, I don't think of heaven, plane and simple. I see the silver lining in things that are real, not what the convoluted masses agree upon. Anyway, I've made a discovery from writing this. I've realized that I am still deeply hurt emotionally because of family issues and passed relationships that I in turn hate myself because I never want to be like these people. I worry so much about not being something that I have no time to be myself which brings upon the stress I carry from wanting to help others to any other thing I do. It's all too much. The reason I enjoy helping people is because I don't want to be like the people in the passed. Who knows, the mind is complicated and with how much I think about things I've ended up Hating it.

Negativity ruling the minds of children

From Drop Box

I found this digging in my backpack today, it was in my math binder for some reason. I think i wrote this about two weeks ago. The entire poem is kind of odd. It ranges from both ends of two different spectrum's but, it does capture what i was feeling at the exact moment when someone pissed me off. Enjoy :D

Is it my face, my attitude, or the way i speak that brings people accustomed to treating me like shit? I try to help, I try to be nice but it seems as if people just like to take advantage. What's with people today, it's like the world is sour. All you do is smile and they all lash back with power. Negativity ruling the minds of children.

Blue sky's and rainbows

Windsor ties and faint foes

Dark clouds with lightening

Thick thunder becomes frighting

The fog shadows before your eyes

Through smoke and flames are the cries

Buildings fall rainbows shatter

help comes without a latter

The city under attack

The people running back

Clear sky's now a haze

your mind set ablaze

You now see through the eyes of your superior. Backing down from the podium you become inferior. You quickly quit life and take another profession. Stopped in your tracks by the people who need you, you quickly figure out the meaning of this lesson. The Windsor knot again upon your neck. For you've fought for a second chance at everything you do, you let live and people listen to you.

Waste Away

From Drop Box

Oh, how easy how easy

it is to sit in fray

oh, how easy how easy

it is to waste the day away

oh, people oh, people

that are so blind

oh, people oh, people

your minds you can't find

oh, why oh, why

can't you see

oh, why oh, why

that hidden fee

oh, life oh, life

how it can waste away

oh, life oh, life

in the end you pay.