been there done tha...

So i've created a world and i need to keep it alive but before i can begin on what i've started i need to put and end to what i've become accustomed to. I've grown and prepared myself to be upfront and to be in the situation. But lately i've been turning my back on reality and delving into what i love to escape in. I use to use what ever means to escape and though back then i was forced out into the light where i would often stay, it's different now. Now i wish to stay away lock myself inside and wait for tragedies to pass over. I want to fulfill my promise to myself and others but i'm so locked away, and i like it. I want to find balance in what i've become. I want to experience life but on my terms. But i need to learn how to change my terms into something more of who i want to be and what i really want to do. I said before i've created a world and it's up to me to keep it alive. it's been 3 days since i put pen to paper and i've almost forgot about it. I can't forget because this world is what defines my imagination currently. It's what's giving me hope that i can change and that i can become something greater. For years i've played the same tune and wrote the same words and copied my own lyrics. But this new world is something different. My imagination has grown, it's soaring through what i've known and flipping it upside down. My inspiration is from a dream, because there i have the most vivid of memories and adventures. I often have nightmares that i'm no longer afraid of but go the distance to go too far and yet, i awake with happiness. I often dream, i often see things no one else can imagine, i can smell it, feel it, and caress the wonderful colors around me and yet they soon enough drift away as i awake. There's more to unlocking my imagination but i need to explore what its given me for if i don't it will become lost forever. I need to change my habits to a more constructed life style. I need to get a hold of myself and realize what i've done and what i should be doing. For too long i've been lost in the imagination of others playing games and reading books. But now, now is the time i wish to perform the same addictive act upon so many. I wish to delve you into the world i've created, i want you to love it, hate it, cherish it, and weep at it. I want you to enjoy it with every emotion you have and i want you to be the most distraught you've ever been but when you read that last page i want tears of joy to fall from your eyes. I want you to thoroughly engage yourself and open up. I want you to believe what i've written and i want you to want me to write it. Help me, love you.

You don't get to do this.

My heart aches, feet cold.

This room was warm, I'm now freezing.

One phone call sent that chill down my spine.

I should have known that it was to good to be mine.

I should have known not to try.

I feel weak, spirit shattered.

Thrown into a dimension where nothing mattered.

Not a thing I could do, not a thing I could say.

Because what I do doesn't matter anyway.

I could try and win you back but there's no point I've lost.

I don't get it.

So cold with all these layers on.

It's like ice has covered my being.

No amount of warmth could ever bring me back.

But what should I do now?

Do I say go away?

Do I just leave them all behind?

Is it them that I define?

Or I who they define.

Do I try to fill the emptiness inside me again?

Do I devoid myself?

What do I do now?

Do I stop caring, should I stop being so kind?

It always ends up the same way.

I really am destined to be alone.

Just like my father,where are you?

From one problem to the next.

Every time i'm always had.

Why do you get to do this?

I don't understand, too nice, too mellow.

I wont ever be your man.

Chopping block

It's not that i haven't been able to nor have i lost my will to do what i love. It's that i haven't brought myself to do it. Simple, i can't stop thinking and i never really stop to think. :)

This side of me.

So much to take, how?:

There is so much I can do.

So much to think about.

Everybody but you.

Too much to drink about.

Too often to think.

What will happen, what will I do?

What could happen, what am I to you?

It's too late, its's always too late.

Every second I wait, every moment that passes me.

Too late.

The stop, the thought, the writers block, the chalk, pen to paper.

Will I ever date her?

Will it happen?

To leave these poems undone.

The stress always there yet, not the face of me it hide behinds.

No, the face of me is quite content.

Everything I do I normally don't question.

But really, should I ought to? for my own lesson?

Look at me lieing through my teeth.

Written a thousand poems, only one explains me.

But not what you think.

One can be a whole, a half is not one.

To make sense there isn't none.

That's the point, philosophy.

Is it really a part of me?

Do I really believe in this existential art I see?

This picture on the wall looking back at me.

Like a mirrior screaming, " Do you like what you see!?"

How often does this world always make it seem like your not cut out to be and unfit to see.

Well, its societies propriety.

It's hysterically, unbearably , it's heresy but wait.

Is this what I see to believe?

The icing so sweet?

When can I achieve?

Will I ever stop?

Will i ever eat too much?

Can I die?

Will this life let me survive?

But how?

After everything i've been through?

But how?

After all i've discovered, there is no you?

This "You" I speak of.

This " You" I idolize?

No, this time it's me.

I exist and you faded.

In with the new, that you created.

Are you happy now?

Does it make a difference?

If I stop being you will I be me?

And if I stop being me will I be you?

Stop.

Last words, im dreaming now.

Causes, I'm bleeding now.

Internal, external?

Your dead, am I?

But if I'm dead, are you?

What are the values?

What are our differences?

Why am I here?

Why did I or you ever come here?

Did I choose, or did you?

Are these my psychological views?

psych 101

I wrote this in philosophy today cause i was getting pretty angry at my psychology questions and the way they were worded...
Through results does an accusation really belong to be this long by adding more diverse words into a sentence which adding more syllables for you to use that is considered a great question by creating an extensive meaning that complicates what's asked to create a harder way of cognition that the embezzled answer must be 50/50 which is represented by, what, which, that, through, and by, that creates an unbelievable, astonishing question that becomes so ridiculous that if asked, the answer is the only thing that does not come to mind. explain ?
seriously..

Weary, I soar.

Weary, I have fallen many times but never have I not been able to get up. It is almost my birthday, yet I choose to let it pass as if it does not concern me. I am vulnerable and confused, much like anyone else my age. I jump to so many decisions; I just don’t know what I should do with my life. There are so many choices, so much to do.

I have fallen into a rut of luxury. I wish to get out but comfort, like a snake luring eve, i am tricked. To be honest, I wish to travel the world, have an adventure of my own. Too many times have I played many games and read many books, I want to not only feel adventure but live it. Too much have I sat in this chair of defeat and luxury. It has made me weak for the world. For I am afraid of thought, afraid of learning and afraid of losing what I already know.

I have contemplated much suicide but it does not do my soul justice. I do not want to die in ignorance of this world. I do not want to see the end, for this should bring my current journey to a close. Finding myself is my destiny. I have already found how to love, how to indulge and how to hate. For these are what guilty pleasures are made of. This paper is running out of lines but I will not stop until my conclusion has arrived. I have indulged in the pleasures of love and hate with selfishness in mind.

I am young, “You stand while we sit, you still have the energy”. My coach would say. So I stood, I stood proud, strong and with others in mind. But since then I have failed to stand up. Too often have I been blessed with comfort, I want to stand. I want to feel my legs again I want to brace my arms as I’m flying through the air. I just wish to feel alive again, I’ve been dead for so long. My selfishness has overwhelmed me. I am insensitive to those who choose paths that are not like my own. I get angry when confronted with a challenge and worst of all, I refuse to change.

Life as I sit back on it doesn’t stop. It flows until it reaches the ocean. For me to reach the ocean I must unblock this path of thorns and try to escape the evils of society. Though I must use society to my advantages, only then can I reach the ocean. But I have said that too much and now is the time to choose which sewer will lead me to enlightenment. I am afraid, deathly afraid of what path I should take because in this analogy I’d rather not become societies drinking water, cornered into a 9 to 5 existence.

All in all, I wish to find what path I’m looking for. To do so I must stand and this time my friends cannot help me, because I need to learn what it’s like on my own again. In my life I have truly only chosen one thing, that decision lead me to rise above and become known as a leader. Once you go where nobody knows you, you begin to think back on those choices and the happiness that had occurred. I have not stood in four years, I was lifted so I could see what I strive for. As I’m being dropped, I must learn to fly. I must learn to face death, my fears and I must banish the thought of losing my knowledge. This is just the start, I’ve learned how to fall, so when will I start flying?

son and shade.

A simple poem lies in the wakes of those who conquer only speech.

Those who truly think, think vividly.

Like ice in the blazed morn of mid afternoon.

My heart melts like a heart felt letter.

By the time blue skies pass and the stars scream of their most interesting adventures.

The light has already passed..

A shadow i have become, beyond the shadows son.

Life with all its blues and greens paints only the blues with me...

The yellows that scream needs, far-fetched the red bleeds.

Off the couch i hallucinate dreams of virtue.

I trip mad science while I breathe dust.

Till the light comes and the day seizes me.

I breathe.

What life has done to me.

EDIT: i'd like to point out that now that i read this over, it's a little too over the top and isn't my best work. haha

Warning, Cuss words and abusive phrases follow.

As sad as one can be.

I, am my own enemy.

I fall asleep to awake late to my day.

I try to slumber but my eyes, open they stay.

When dreaming, stress condemns me, my life offends me.

I chase a high that doesn't exist.

One you couldn't understand let alone get the jist.

I've got a fucking problem.

It's what I see.

What I perceive to be me.

worse than them.

I see reality as it convicts me and continues to restrict me from the way I wanna be.

Addicting, the high I chase.

That golden serenity, that feeling, a base.

The building tall, lined with padded walls.

Cliff jumpin, Splish splash, music Bumpin.

My mind like a merrygoround horses blitzin.

My face blitzed in.

My future as speed racer till the smack requires a pace maker.

Dreams, hopes, idols, heroes and gods.

Little boys screaming cross world playin COD.

My life's a reality, not a game, no joke.

So fucken step outa me, go home, get choked.

The true passion revolves around desperate times.

Thoughts of suicide, you master through desperate rhymes.

'Cause you ain't playin around.

Cussin and rhyming so you don't end up a ditch in the ground.

So get lost punk and leave me be.

I'll fucken crack your neck open and make you bleed.

Back up, step up, shut up, 'cause your life means nothing to me.

Now the real heart shows, the man with bow and arrows.

Real lives shatter, real blood spatter.

You think your tough cause you can rhyme "Me" with "Soliloquy"? well guess what, you just met the best part of me.

The fucking god damn art of me, the heart of me.

so sit down and relax while i relapse and cure my mind.

No! fuck you spine. that delicious taste that made our race hate us.

Now step back and relax son, " Tip the needle" watch daddy do how it's done.

You tired yet?

Live life real to the feel of my finger tips.

Blood, sweat, tears, poor through these whores lips.

Crooked smiles, nothin but a dial tone.

The sound you hear as eggs go over easy.

Thats right bitch get down and please me.

Another record yet won. Say what, rap is done?

Fuck ya'll niggas who think you got talent.

Ask yourself who your doing it for, you fucking gallant.

I do this shit for me because it keeps me alive.

Because depression eats me alive.

A walking shadow is how I feel, So step back and kneel.

Get mad, you million dollar sell outs.
Everybody using lady gagas coke inspired talentless dreams and Tpains octaves as bail outs.

Find your own shit or produce something new.

Take a chance on a nigga who's still foolproof.

Don't take the hollywood way, which destroys it's own genre through creating a childs macrame.

Step up be loud get your voices Heard!

Or this world we live in will always be obsured.

As sad as one can be.

I, am my own enemy.

ARGH!

Argh argh agh argh!!!!! Life you better figure your self out!

In other news " stop the world, im getting off here "

ugh, life. how not to endure...

Car broke down today, needs a new fuel pump. there goes $300.

anyway grandmas letting me borrow hers, bless her soul. thank you grandma !! :D