Chaos

     Do you ever get that feeling its just going to be a bad day?
Well here it is. Today is not eventful at all. In fact I planned it that way. But because I planned it that way, I may have hurt others. By hurt, I mean pissed off. Why should my day off be my day off? Lets add some cynicism, you don't play a game of poker without knowing how to win. My day off meant more to me than others did. For once I played the GP (general population) card and only cared about my self. Now those currently in GP will be pissed.
     I suppose I am a little worried. I did not intend for it to be a huge deal, though I feel it will most likely be. So as I sit here bored out of my mind and wallow in my non productive activities, I wait. I wait for the excitement to come rushing back to me in all its glory. For the trust I have currently gained will surely be lost and the people will hate another. 
      My thoughts on the matter. Yes I should have played it safer and just went with my morals. Yes I should have volentold myself and yes I shouldn't have acted so sly. No I shouldn't have the two days off that I have right now. Yes I should feel terrible. Should, shouldn't I? Is it possible that I cannot decide? I don't really feel that bad. Honestly, when I think about the situation it just kind of makes me sigh. 


      You do something right for so long, can it really be that bad to do some wrong?


Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

try?

I thought i knew poetry, i thought  knew rhymes.
I thought i knew imagery, i thought i knew time.

I Believed i had heart
I believed in my self.

Back then i had so much passion, so much to give.
But now its so hard just to live.

The things that happen every day.
The way people act in every way.

I can't stand who im becoming
I can't stand who i've become.

when will i just be fucking done.
When will it all just go away

When can this life just finally say.
Pack your shit and go away.

so out of it

Im so out of it.
I envy you.
The heart, the passion.
The light, your laugh.

The way you smile.

What I thought I needed I have.
What I know now, I laugh.

The time gone, the money spent.
How many wrongs came and went.

Often I tried but never won.
Often you cried, always undone.

The fear,the facts.
The here and now.

How I've gotten this far I wonder how.

Think back then.
Think back when.

20 years ago.
one more year to go.

Does it matter?
no limitations.
its all there.

The memories of the old brought back like the new.
From a simple memory reminding you.
I envy you.

the young.

There is still so much unknown.

Im so out of it.

Stay as i remember you

As I live farther and farther away time seems to press on without a single worry. As friends start to leave me behind I begin to wonder. The time I spend working keeps my mind busy. At the end of the day all you can really think about is how you've gotten where you're at. You think a about every what if situation possible. Thinking use to be much worse. Back when liberty wasn't a thought, when literally thinking too many what if scenarios drove you bored with your own conscious.  Life now is just as simple as it was then, there's just less to do and more to fuck it up. I can talk about the new corps vs the old but I only know the present. I know that I'm proud to be here but extremely unsatisfied with almost everyone I've met. The epitome of absolute laziness in some, carelessness in others. Its selfish thoughts that make your days long and your thoughts farther from your own. But that doesn't stop them, they'll always be here. They're a community you must rise above. You almost need them to even try. Hard decisions fall daily, but the time we can relax has been great. I miss my friends and family, just the way I left them. I feel as I've walked into some time machine. As if I step out for a minute and never came back. Life gets harder as it goes on. Stay with me people, I need you.

peace and quiet

The closest of you.
shadows.
light hits concrete.
For the most of you.
Days.
minutes turn to friendships as we meet.
Thoughts turn into action as our hands clasp with passion.
Nights.
Empty hearts fill for just a moment.
Gone again, as the day wakes the waves.
Crystal clear.
Full are the dreams that wake me into existence.
Empty is the life we push forward.
thoughts.
Until we meet.
The life that goes on.
Forever here.
Wishing, wanting, hoping.

waiting..

Scared I am

The motivation that drives and inspires me is simply implacably gone.

Hours shout minutes as life lives on.

Days often rain as rain often crashes.

Here I am with my little box of matches.

Afraid to see the light as it paves way.

I dare not light one, here I stay.

Standing with my brothers unable to see.

That I hold the light that is the key.

Their hands empty cold and tan.

We work in the dark with our fellow man.

Led by money greed and power.

We fight each and every hour.

To hold our grasp on reality.

We learn to deal with fatality.

The distance bothers some.

It bothers me none.

I planned to get away.

To light the path for my brothers.

But they digress like all the others.

So I hold this matchbox tightly in my hand and pray for my brothers and fellow man.

poetry.

A help to chance out.

Life and self doubt

The unexpected

Rear view reflected.

Opted out.

Seat belt latched.

My self the window hatched.

Act for causation.

No Breaks, please an explanation.

Marines

I changed my mind, as many do.

Asvab

I took the asvab today. It was a regular morning. I got gas and went and took the test. I didn't open my scores until i got home. I need a score of 50 or above to Enlist in the Airforce. I got home and opened up my letter. My score is a 48. It was disappointing but i called my recruiter and let him know. He's proud and apparently there is some hope between grading it that it will go up or down. I'm really holding on to that hope now. If i get a bad score i have to wait 30 days before i take it again. I know that if i take it again i will pass for sure but i really don't want to wait any longer. The impatience i have grows with every second. I want this, but not bad enough. I need to get my head in the game and start treating my life as if it's one in six billion. Realistically the only one who knows what your going to become is you.

i pray for a 50 and if my prayer is answered. Then this will be the first time luck has ever been by my side.

Motivation

pararescue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3UlAzD5d0E part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWXCp_fgl3Q&feature=relatedpart 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQdYJv4Mebk&feature=relatedpart 3