Kaleidoscope of broken promises..

Thank you for everything.
Is thanks enough?
For all you do and all you are.
All you've ever been and all you ever needed to be.

Thank you for everything.
The confidence the gratitude.
My reason, my attitude.
Ever changing.

Is thanks enough?
I had hoped so but it feels like I don't speak the same language.
This is rough.

Soft tones and beautiful notes.
Songs that create scars, movies that create holes..

For all you do and all you are.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know why it's so hard.

Tight sheets and flat pillows.
A bed so cold, space that never ends.

All you've ever been and all you ever needed to be.
I just want to say that I'm sorry.
That I wasn't the same way.

A man can promise a thousand things...

Feeling without feeling.

Crying without you.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
Ignoring the rain, I have to ponder.
Do I care who I share mine with?
The life I carry, the burden or so?
Does my mind wonder, yes and no.
No feeling at all.
From my heart to yours, lets have a ball.
Crying with you, there's warmth in our tears.
Against you, solace in comfort.
Away, fingers grip nothing as air is often cold.
Eye's closed, forgetting how to hold.
The longer the distance, the time apart.
The more I miss you, straight from my heart.
Crying without you, or crying alone.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
I forget who I am.
I forget who we are.
I lose myself without you.
While away, I don't remember.
Why this facade, this charade .
To say I don't care would be a lie.
Crying without you.
Ignoring the rain.
I want you to know about my pain.
I love you.

Facade

I've opened so many pages to express myself.
Sad and defeated I write the same two stanzas.

Focus on one thing at a time.
A list of words runs through my mind.

Deep and heartfelt pauses.
Nothing there.

To convey what makes me, me.
To write down who I am.

To continue to explain. Stuck in this same formula. Written words actually keeping me down instead of expressing why I frown. Cheap rhymes to make myself think I'm lyrical. Often hysterical, too caught up in one breath to remember the next. My heart stops beating. Cold I wonder through. All the pleasantries all the amenities. Thankful,thankless. Careless.

My heart hurts as it sinks lower than any other time before. My mind just under the sunrise. My lungs dark and full. My body ill, my face still. My hands jittery and my legs weak. No strength to stand, no strength to be. No will to continue, no memory.

My mind floats on these empty notions. Continue! it hurts. The thoughts echoing. no thoughts heard. face still, eyes wondering. The things I want to see. The day dream that ends it all. The expression, speechless. The amount it takes, the push forward the shove against.

My ears.. bleed with lies. The facade, dedicated. The hurt, the sorrow. The unwillingness to follow. My hands the only thing there. The only stopping power. Metaphorically and and physically. Two ways two walls. They search for answers as they grip the back of my skull. Wishing and wanting to tear away this mask. This facade, this person. To get rid of it, to shed the skin of what he is. To leave this person. To put him away. Shut him out. Fingers digging and prying. Nails dirty, blood drying. Hair matted, warm and thin. Hands cracking, dried. Living this this fucking life is a lie!

No outlet no trust. So embarrassed to just be me. So beaten its sad. To wake up with a new lie is all i wish. To wake up and fly. To jump to learn, to leap your turn!  Knees weak and feeble. crashing down. The crack loud. the pain astounding. The bat against the head, pounding. Teeth grit, bits sharpen. Eyes, waterfall. Ears bleeding. The heart, oh the heart. People, others just keep kicking.

Nothing I want is here. Nothing here is fulfilling. Nothing I've ever wanted. To give it my all, is all I've ever done. Just so angry. So sad. to lift a finger is too much to not lift it enough is too little.

So conflicted. SO CONFLICTED. SO CONFLICTED! These people are not me, so why do I try to be them. These people, These people, These people! Just give a little thought. But then....

I don't lift a finger. too defeated. too fearful. to afraid to even say. Too much going on at once, too much. Just too much!  I want this off my mind, i want this out of my site. I want this, I WANT THIS, I WISH TO BE BLIND. I wish to be felt sorry for to wonder no more. to have my fucking spoon. to live this fucking womb, i want it to be silver. I want to be with me. I want never to be away. I want never to have it be this way. I WANT MYSELF TO NEVER GIVE UP.

Physically! Oh Physically. The pain i've felt and endured. shit sucks i hate it, but it makes me feel. I feel something there. I hate it so much. So much! but its the only time happiness is there. The fight after the accomplishment. the rest, or even during. I dont know what im saying anymore i just can't stand this. this fucking life. It's not exciting. it's uninteresting. It's boring. I'M BORING! I hate it. I never paid attention. to carry a casual conversation. I fuck it all up. Everyone so much better. So high and mighty. To live your life like your a god among men. to spoon feed yourself lies. The confidence i wish i had. The uneasy feeling. the butterflies gone. God damn it i just wish i didn't have it all fucking wrong.

All fucking wrong... I hate it. i want more of something else. My mind full, my heart heavy. My fucking body sluggish. All fucking wrong! Hate, Hate. i've never hated myself so much before. My worst critique. My worst enemy.

My worst enemy. Myself. To type, to write. To express my hate. I want to pound this keyboard. i want to throw this laptop across the room. I want it to smash the mirror in front of me. I want to step on the many pieces that lay on the floor. Pick up the shards and watch my face in disgust. I want to hate So badly.  So much inside. Two Different People. TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. same mind, same sign. same name. same person. Same people. people, how i act, [people how i am ] PEOPLE too much.

I just hate him so much. I want to be the other person. I want to rip away this facade and go crazy to live life as if it didn't fucking phase me. To have no memory of being so weak. To fight everyone, every day. to fight it all off so i can stay. To become one with myself. to find myself, to live with myself. To be, to be! TO BE ME! I want to live!

That cloud. Where.

What ever it is, it haunts me.
It's been with me since i can remember.

It's cold.
It hurts.

It isn't learned.
It just happens.

I want to forget it. but it's so strong.
Turning days i enjoy into wrong.

It's like i can't try.
As if everything's a lie

It looms over.
It waits on my shoulders.

Consciousness.

There's only so much to give.

Giving anymore empties my soul.
Feeling as if nothing will ever make me whole.

Not that i haven't made bad life choices.
But i love what i've done.

I just...

Can't.

Context, unbecoming.
People, maybe, wondering.

Colorful words read description.
Maybe i do need a prescription.

I need something to keep me going.
All this hate, just keeps growing.

I haven't used an outlet in some time.

Anything i can think of.

i can't lift a finger.
My body, the cloud lingers.

heart heavy, breathing slow.
As if my body just didn't know.

just...


just.


maybe.

People.

What I want to do and what I want to become.
Right now I'm just waiting.
Waiting for every one else to be done.

Get out while you can, all of you.

Hate your lives while you have the comfort to wait.

Your world falls apart around you.

You band together, like minds equally miserable.
And for what?

So you can become the same person you were from the start.

Congratulations..

Starting a blank page.

Thinking before thought.
Acting before action.
What happens after?

When I say the words that should have never been said.
Staying up all night, wrestless in bed.

The thought's creep, wonder fills the mind.
So much so that thinking makes me blind.

Seeing the situation, taking a step back.
Too bad I always over react.

I look at it as a whole and yet go blank.
My mind a nothingness of rage.

Others confused.
Embarrassed when actions come before thought.

Too late the moment.
Too soon the regret.

The list goes on everything done.
My minds got a hold of me.

Every space won.

The More It Rains.

I'd love to live my life as if everything was okay.
But with each and every passing day.
New lessons rob me of my pride.
A constant sorrow, so much so that I'd wish I'd died.

With each lesson comes a consequence.
At my hearts expense.
I comply but to no avail.
This lesson is inside my head and for them just a tale.

I push through and carry on.
But there's no point, just the dawn.
Days pass and people preach.
Def ears those people reach.

There's no authority, just cause for injustice.
No one's prideful, it's just this.
Too many who think they can do.
Too entitled, too new.

These people spread it, the lies the hate.
The camaraderie is gone, it's too late.
There's no reason to be here anymore.
When the people above you don't know the corps.

Selflessness is not a common virtue.
Everyone is here just to hurt you.
There's nothing to gain through out all the pain.
Everything you've learned, now you'll go insane.

When the people who can, wont.
These people become the ones who never will.

Berated, battered. Torn.
This is the life I've worn.
I take off the coat, when I can.
But does that make me less of a man?

Afraid to step up and to step out.
Afraid to live and shout.
Berated battered and torn.
This is the life I've worn.

When your future fails you.
You let me know.
I can share with you the lessons, of this repeating show.

What is a true friend?

How are we friends anymore?
While you sit back and ignore.

The concept that's in front of you.
How do I know it's you.

Speaking to you and remembering old times now.
Your sound is mute, I've deff ears but how?

Tolerance has wained.
The stupidity game.

Im out of what you know.
Currently doing my own show.

How are we friends anymore.
while you sit back and ignore.

Why?
Because you message me every blue moon to say hi?

We've lost communication.
friends in childhood.

What is friendship?

I dont know.
Because so many come and go.

I keep my life moving forward.

Im glad to see you do the same.

In the end we all lose eachother.

sefless or needy. you'll never know why they say hi.
You'll only know by how many times they say goodbye.

The Price Of Nothing

You give it your all, you try so hard.

You practice every day, every inch every yard.

You can't quit because you breath it.

You can't close your eyes without seeing it.

You sprint through the basics just to learn the next step.

You're leaps and bounds ahead of the rest. 

You never ask for much, but you yearn for more.

You're learning modesty isn't a chore. 

you try, until it beats you. 

you try, until it hurts. 

You never give up.

I thought the same, and completed the game.

I went through trial and ran the extra mile. 

Until you realize that there's nothing in the end. 

There's no hope, all lies, and it's all pretend. 

It doesn't matter how far you run.

I hope you never get to the point where you're done.

It's hard to say and it's hard to breathe. 

I can't keep these thoughts out of me.

I just hope to god that you never give up.

I don't know if it's worth it in the end. But I wont stop you from trying. 

It's better doing that then waiting somewhere alone; Dying.


( i really don't understand why there's black text at the bottom. i guess im going crazy. if you dont see it oh well. im just stating that there's no significance in black text in my poem. it doesn't mean anything and isn't part of my style. )

Saying nothing

High expectations.
Loss of self worth.
Floating now on a cloud of work.

Passion escapes, light disipating
Stuck here always waiting.

Loose thoughts, loose minds.
Honest to god i feel blind.