waking at dawn

I miss the time's where I'd stare at the endless sea.
Information and curiosity.
The search was never ending and you never knew what you were looking for.
All you knew was you wanted more.

A lot has happened since then.
A simple time with like minded friends.

Something that came across easily, something that stayed.
The friends that never left were the true friends I made.

Waking at dusk to see the nautical twilight.
Eye's open, the perfect night.

Music subtle and surrounding.
Light scrolling passed, astounding.

Friends always on, people everywhere.

I miss the time's where I'd stare at the endless sea.
A wonderful time for information and curiosity.

A time in which I had time.

Closed up

I don't know what to say anymore.

want

You can see that I'm hurting. But rather than sticking with me through my pain.You walk away and assume I'm too busy to help you. God help me, it's crippling.

Too tired to remember.

Nothing describes how empty I feel when I'm alone. Nothing compares how soulless I feel when your with me. Hollow is how I would describe me. It's like a pit at the top of my stomach. only able to feel the edges of the abyss that is my conscious being. Frustration builds inside. The doubt carries. The cold draft that kisses you, never leaves. Making it unbearable. Tears, A well of sorrows. Hiding waves of emotion. Uncontrollable emotion. Never let it out. Never be who you are. They refuse to understand. Or  so I think. Or so I'll always believe.

Always, alone. Resting inside my head. I'm tired. I've thought this for so long. I always wondered why but I always pushed on. I pushed my body beyond it's limits and learned what it was to be a man. I pushed my mind to ignore feeling, both emotional and pain. I pushed my self so hard that I got lost. Then I remembered that I was tired. Then I found myself again. This is when I gave up. I gave up long before I left. I gave up after I destroyed myself. Then I just lived. Trying to understand why I was tired. trying to figure out what I was tired of or who. But I think I finally understand now. What I'm tired of, is life. The single act of living pains me. Breathing day in and day out. Just being just to be. I don't think I could put more people on this earth. What a terrible thing that would be. How awful. To let someone be born. to let someone live.

But. There are always two sides to everything. Because when I don't remember that I'm tired. That's when I know that I am happy. That's when I know, that I'm being me without knowing it. Life's complicated and I hate that. Some times I get tired. It's what I do when I don't remember that. That's me. These days though, the thought never leaves me. No matter how much sleep I get, I push on because the people around me. They are what help me forget.

This feeling will never leave. But I've slowly learned to be adequate at pushing it away. I just happen to push away those who love me as well. This curse will never go away. Maybe some day, I will finally, truly understand. Life.

English

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

But next brings you no where and time has past.
How long will we do this, "oh look, that was fast!" 

So you click next.

What do you want from me?

I just don't understand.
Is what I thought a year ago wrong?

Am I right today?
When will this go away?

Does the feeling never disappear?
When I speak, what do you really hear?

I just don't understand.
Ignore me, while I hide within myself.

I know there's no answers there.
All I know is that I don't care.

I don't understand.
Am I dead inside?

Too emotional too distraught.
So why in past tense have we fought?

I don't understand.
Is it me, is it you?

I feel blind, nothing is ever enough.
We have it all, look at all this stuff !

I don't understand.
Quality time. what's this?
I guess I don't want to learn either.
Back to the abyss..

wHen pEopLe become sheePle...

How to say and what to do.
How we do and what we say.

To act different or to act true.
It's an art, for the few.

To hold on to some self respect.
But to let anger take aim and neglect.

Those we hurt and those who see.
Imitate.

Those who watch and don't follow.
contemplate.

With knowledge comes power.
Conceded.

Those who pretend to know.
Hurting those who don't.

The people who want change, never will and wont.

Tact is something special.
You have to try, you have to care.

Just remember its not always fair.

Kaleidoscope of broken promises..

Thank you for everything.
Is thanks enough?
For all you do and all you are.
All you've ever been and all you ever needed to be.

Thank you for everything.
The confidence the gratitude.
My reason, my attitude.
Ever changing.

Is thanks enough?
I had hoped so but it feels like I don't speak the same language.
This is rough.

Soft tones and beautiful notes.
Songs that create scars, movies that create holes..

For all you do and all you are.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know why it's so hard.

Tight sheets and flat pillows.
A bed so cold, space that never ends.

All you've ever been and all you ever needed to be.
I just want to say that I'm sorry.
That I wasn't the same way.

A man can promise a thousand things...

Feeling without feeling.

Crying without you.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
Ignoring the rain, I have to ponder.
Do I care who I share mine with?
The life I carry, the burden or so?
Does my mind wonder, yes and no.
No feeling at all.
From my heart to yours, lets have a ball.
Crying with you, there's warmth in our tears.
Against you, solace in comfort.
Away, fingers grip nothing as air is often cold.
Eye's closed, forgetting how to hold.
The longer the distance, the time apart.
The more I miss you, straight from my heart.
Crying without you, or crying alone.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
I forget who I am.
I forget who we are.
I lose myself without you.
While away, I don't remember.
Why this facade, this charade .
To say I don't care would be a lie.
Crying without you.
Ignoring the rain.
I want you to know about my pain.
I love you.

Facade

I've opened so many pages to express myself.
Sad and defeated I write the same two stanzas.

Focus on one thing at a time.
A list of words runs through my mind.

Deep and heartfelt pauses.
Nothing there.

To convey what makes me, me.
To write down who I am.

To continue to explain. Stuck in this same formula. Written words actually keeping me down instead of expressing why I frown. Cheap rhymes to make myself think I'm lyrical. Often hysterical, too caught up in one breath to remember the next. My heart stops beating. Cold I wonder through. All the pleasantries all the amenities. Thankful,thankless. Careless.

My heart hurts as it sinks lower than any other time before. My mind just under the sunrise. My lungs dark and full. My body ill, my face still. My hands jittery and my legs weak. No strength to stand, no strength to be. No will to continue, no memory.

My mind floats on these empty notions. Continue! it hurts. The thoughts echoing. no thoughts heard. face still, eyes wondering. The things I want to see. The day dream that ends it all. The expression, speechless. The amount it takes, the push forward the shove against.

My ears.. bleed with lies. The facade, dedicated. The hurt, the sorrow. The unwillingness to follow. My hands the only thing there. The only stopping power. Metaphorically and and physically. Two ways two walls. They search for answers as they grip the back of my skull. Wishing and wanting to tear away this mask. This facade, this person. To get rid of it, to shed the skin of what he is. To leave this person. To put him away. Shut him out. Fingers digging and prying. Nails dirty, blood drying. Hair matted, warm and thin. Hands cracking, dried. Living this this fucking life is a lie!

No outlet no trust. So embarrassed to just be me. So beaten its sad. To wake up with a new lie is all i wish. To wake up and fly. To jump to learn, to leap your turn!  Knees weak and feeble. crashing down. The crack loud. the pain astounding. The bat against the head, pounding. Teeth grit, bits sharpen. Eyes, waterfall. Ears bleeding. The heart, oh the heart. People, others just keep kicking.

Nothing I want is here. Nothing here is fulfilling. Nothing I've ever wanted. To give it my all, is all I've ever done. Just so angry. So sad. to lift a finger is too much to not lift it enough is too little.

So conflicted. SO CONFLICTED. SO CONFLICTED! These people are not me, so why do I try to be them. These people, These people, These people! Just give a little thought. But then....

I don't lift a finger. too defeated. too fearful. to afraid to even say. Too much going on at once, too much. Just too much!  I want this off my mind, i want this out of my site. I want this, I WANT THIS, I WISH TO BE BLIND. I wish to be felt sorry for to wonder no more. to have my fucking spoon. to live this fucking womb, i want it to be silver. I want to be with me. I want never to be away. I want never to have it be this way. I WANT MYSELF TO NEVER GIVE UP.

Physically! Oh Physically. The pain i've felt and endured. shit sucks i hate it, but it makes me feel. I feel something there. I hate it so much. So much! but its the only time happiness is there. The fight after the accomplishment. the rest, or even during. I dont know what im saying anymore i just can't stand this. this fucking life. It's not exciting. it's uninteresting. It's boring. I'M BORING! I hate it. I never paid attention. to carry a casual conversation. I fuck it all up. Everyone so much better. So high and mighty. To live your life like your a god among men. to spoon feed yourself lies. The confidence i wish i had. The uneasy feeling. the butterflies gone. God damn it i just wish i didn't have it all fucking wrong.

All fucking wrong... I hate it. i want more of something else. My mind full, my heart heavy. My fucking body sluggish. All fucking wrong! Hate, Hate. i've never hated myself so much before. My worst critique. My worst enemy.

My worst enemy. Myself. To type, to write. To express my hate. I want to pound this keyboard. i want to throw this laptop across the room. I want it to smash the mirror in front of me. I want to step on the many pieces that lay on the floor. Pick up the shards and watch my face in disgust. I want to hate So badly.  So much inside. Two Different People. TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. same mind, same sign. same name. same person. Same people. people, how i act, [people how i am ] PEOPLE too much.

I just hate him so much. I want to be the other person. I want to rip away this facade and go crazy to live life as if it didn't fucking phase me. To have no memory of being so weak. To fight everyone, every day. to fight it all off so i can stay. To become one with myself. to find myself, to live with myself. To be, to be! TO BE ME! I want to live!