Who am I?

Who am I and why is that so hard to answer?
To some, I am a brother, a son, a father and a husband.
Who am I and why is that so hard to answer?
To me, I am
How do I answer this ?
To me, I am a poet, a song writer, an artist.
To me, I am an adventurer, a leader, a fighter,
To me, I am who I'm aspired to be.
I've been so focused on surviving these last few years, that I've forgotten what it was like to be me.
Hiding parts of me I'm afraid others wont like.
Saving the best parts of me for myself has lead me to feel lonely and closed off.
I miss feeling free, I miss feeling good.
Life has it's highs and lows.
I need to remember that.

I Hurt Myself Yesterday

Away, too busy to feel.
The facade I carry begins to peel.
At home, so safe that nothing can hurt me.
Out there, afraid to expend too much energy.

This part of me builds up.
The anticipation welling inside me.
Or is it anxiety?

I act sad. I just need a little compassion.
Do I go do the things I don't want to do?
Do I fight myself, is this the right action?

It's in the air, the weight of it all.
The lights dim, there you go and here I fall.

All the help and notes I have, thrown out the window with anger.
I just need a little compassion.
I close my eyes. I don't want to see red, I don't want to see danger.

But here it is, unable to cope.
As my indecision tears me apart.
All I can do is hope.

It's never enough, I feel like I have to decide.
I'm done being tough, I just want to lie here and cry.

Being tough is as easy as seeing black and white.
Seeing true color scares me.
I'm just so afraid to fight.

That's why, I hurt myself last night.

Oldsmobile with a 442

Whether you know it or not.
You filled a void I would later discover that I had.

All that pent up anger all the times I got mad.
I didn't know then that you would be that important to me.

I didn't even know if you loved me.
But you were there.

For the most of it.

I just wanted to let you know.
That because of you, I am the man I am today.

The good and the bad.
Thank you so much for the family I was apart of.

How to.

Who's perceptive do you trust to tell the story?
I've always told them from mine.
This time, for some reason it just doesn't feel right. But I think I will anyway.

What if told you, I always told you, what i think and not what I know.
what if i told you, I only ever cared how everything rhymed to flow.

All these feelings every thought I ever had went on paper good or bad.

Using language less than grammatically correct  to convey the only way I know how to protect, my feelings.
Dealing with this demon called emotion.

Growing up every day being told to forget and push down, sadness, love, joy, and anger.

Every day being told to be quiet so others could think about how they can ignore their own sadness, love joy and anger.

I like to write poems that make you feel the way I do.
However, I've lost the way to convey the emotion now that I understand how to wait and feel.

Not everything has to rhyme or be apart of its on unique system. This system is what has me stuck, its what has me glued to my past.  Believe I use to be this, while ignoring what I am now. knowing what I felt then is different but wondering why I can't feel what know now. what I meant was, why can't I convey how I feel even though I have a better understanding.
  Of how to just let go.

I could talk about the way I grew up, but it's so far away.
I could talk about the way I use to think but I don't remember anymore.
What I don't remember is I can't remember if I've forced myself to forget or if I've actually forgotten.
Ive talked about being lost in my own head.
Not knowing. I talk about not knowing a lot.
However.

It's hard to describe.

It's not that waking up everyday is challenging. It's that by the evening, I often wish I hadn't. Some times I realize this even sooner, but the days go on. I don't know how to explain my frustration, my sadness or why I can't just accept happiness. It's this weird desire in me I can only explain as being human. This need to want more even after I've been given or earned everything I have. I just can't escape this thought any time I'm happy. I want more, but I want more now. This impatience is slowly killing my character and who've I've built my self up to be. I see it, yet I can do nothing but watch. I'm slowly killing myself because of my inner monologue. I'm mentally withering away because my inability to accept myself as who I am. I think because I just don't know who I am. I've met so many great people that all I've recognized I do is imitate. I try my best to imitate greatness anywhere I can. I catch myself imitating friends, family. I often notice around others that I act. I do not know why and only notice after I've put on a show. I question who I am every minute of every day. Was that me, or would I say that? Truth is I'm also indecisive in the way that I act. I cannot chose what is my favorite anything. If asked personally. I can make many sound decisions. But when it comes down to putting a numbered order to what my interests are. It's as if I'm thrown to the front of the stage and I have no lines. I often have thought about why I have no lines and cannot perform and be open personally. I simply am too afraid to be open. Too scared to admit to people who I am. So scared of what others might think. I've built walls around who I am with messengers at the gates. Rehearsed lines and small talk to excuse those who I really have no interest in. So anyway, I often find my self thinking at the end of the day, or some times the beginning. Why life has so much despair and tragedy? It would be better if I didn't have to experience it all. I often wonder.

I go through this cycle every week. To point where I don't recognize myself. I freak out and can't calm down. My heart races and the sadness trickling down my spine is not enough to console me. It's a viscous cycle that I like to describe often as sadness and despair. I don't know why my blood boils at nothing and my impatience for anything takes over. I can't explain myself. Those around me have no idea. They don't understand, the same as me. I can't even describe why. Every day I just grow more and more tired of being me. More and more tired of being who I am and watching who I want to be wither away. I can't even compare it to darkness anymore. It washes over me like waves as if I just lie down and let the sand take me. Breathing through it all. It does nothing. What I feel is what I've always felt. It's always been there but I'm much more tired now than I ever have been before. I don't know who I am suppose to be. I am so tired of me. All of my happiness couldn't bring me back. The only thing that brings my mind back from this misery is those moments in my life where others were experiencing the same. In those moments I had enough connection to feel relevant and wanted. Relevant because of the moment and wanted because just being together. But those moments are long gone and I doubt I will ever see such trials that bring one another again. Which brings me to my disappointment in what I thought I knew about myself.

I thought I knew that I wanted to go out on my own and be away from everybody. But now all I wish for is to be back in those hard times with those people. Whether I hated them or not, it didn't matter. Our experiences together will always be remembered. I know others feel the same way, but life moves on. Life moves on whether we want it to or not. You can move with it or you can stand still, time doesn't care. I feel as if I've moved forward with time. But mentally I've been feeling as if I made the most regrettable decision of my life. Mentally I've hit a dead end. Mentally, I cannot press on and find myself falling farther back. I only realize this once a week. When I'm brought back to the reality of this harsh world. The reality that friendships and people don't last forever. The ones who don't say good bye are gone forever. It's at these times I look back at those moments, those trials and I wish would have never left. There's a deep ache in my heart that will never go away.

waking at dawn

I miss the time's where I'd stare at the endless sea.
Information and curiosity.
The search was never ending and you never knew what you were looking for.
All you knew was you wanted more.

A lot has happened since then.
A simple time with like minded friends.

Something that came across easily, something that stayed.
The friends that never left were the true friends I made.

Waking at dusk to see the nautical twilight.
Eye's open, the perfect night.

Music subtle and surrounding.
Light scrolling passed, astounding.

Friends always on, people everywhere.

I miss the time's where I'd stare at the endless sea.
A wonderful time for information and curiosity.

A time in which I had time.

Closed up

I don't know what to say anymore.

want

You can see that I'm hurting. But rather than sticking with me through my pain.You walk away and assume I'm too busy to help you. God help me, it's crippling.

Too tired to remember.

Nothing describes how empty I feel when I'm alone. Nothing compares how soulless I feel when your with me. Hollow is how I would describe me. It's like a pit at the top of my stomach. only able to feel the edges of the abyss that is my conscious being. Frustration builds inside. The doubt carries. The cold draft that kisses you, never leaves. Making it unbearable. Tears, A well of sorrows. Hiding waves of emotion. Uncontrollable emotion. Never let it out. Never be who you are. They refuse to understand. Or  so I think. Or so I'll always believe.

Always, alone. Resting inside my head. I'm tired. I've thought this for so long. I always wondered why but I always pushed on. I pushed my body beyond it's limits and learned what it was to be a man. I pushed my mind to ignore feeling, both emotional and pain. I pushed my self so hard that I got lost. Then I remembered that I was tired. Then I found myself again. This is when I gave up. I gave up long before I left. I gave up after I destroyed myself. Then I just lived. Trying to understand why I was tired. trying to figure out what I was tired of or who. But I think I finally understand now. What I'm tired of, is life. The single act of living pains me. Breathing day in and day out. Just being just to be. I don't think I could put more people on this earth. What a terrible thing that would be. How awful. To let someone be born. to let someone live.

But. There are always two sides to everything. Because when I don't remember that I'm tired. That's when I know that I am happy. That's when I know, that I'm being me without knowing it. Life's complicated and I hate that. Some times I get tired. It's what I do when I don't remember that. That's me. These days though, the thought never leaves me. No matter how much sleep I get, I push on because the people around me. They are what help me forget.

This feeling will never leave. But I've slowly learned to be adequate at pushing it away. I just happen to push away those who love me as well. This curse will never go away. Maybe some day, I will finally, truly understand. Life.

English

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

But next brings you no where and time has past.
How long will we do this, "oh look, that was fast!" 

So you click next.