It's hard to describe.

It's not that waking up everyday is challenging. It's that by the evening, I often wish I hadn't. Some times I realize this even sooner, but the days go on. I don't know how to explain my frustration, my sadness or why I can't just accept happiness. It's this weird desire in me I can only explain as being human. This need to want more even after I've been given or earned everything I have. I just can't escape this thought any time I'm happy. I want more, but I want more now. This impatience is slowly killing my character and who've I've built my self up to be. I see it, yet I can do nothing but watch. I'm slowly killing myself because of my inner monologue. I'm mentally withering away because my inability to accept myself as who I am. I think because I just don't know who I am. I've met so many great people that all I've recognized I do is imitate. I try my best to imitate greatness anywhere I can. I catch myself imitating friends, family. I often notice around others that I act. I do not know why and only notice after I've put on a show. I question who I am every minute of every day. Was that me, or would I say that? Truth is I'm also indecisive in the way that I act. I cannot chose what is my favorite anything. If asked personally. I can make many sound decisions. But when it comes down to putting a numbered order to what my interests are. It's as if I'm thrown to the front of the stage and I have no lines. I often have thought about why I have no lines and cannot perform and be open personally. I simply am too afraid to be open. Too scared to admit to people who I am. So scared of what others might think. I've built walls around who I am with messengers at the gates. Rehearsed lines and small talk to excuse those who I really have no interest in. So anyway, I often find my self thinking at the end of the day, or some times the beginning. Why life has so much despair and tragedy? It would be better if I didn't have to experience it all. I often wonder.

I go through this cycle every week. To point where I don't recognize myself. I freak out and can't calm down. My heart races and the sadness trickling down my spine is not enough to console me. It's a viscous cycle that I like to describe often as sadness and despair. I don't know why my blood boils at nothing and my impatience for anything takes over. I can't explain myself. Those around me have no idea. They don't understand, the same as me. I can't even describe why. Every day I just grow more and more tired of being me. More and more tired of being who I am and watching who I want to be wither away. I can't even compare it to darkness anymore. It washes over me like waves as if I just lie down and let the sand take me. Breathing through it all. It does nothing. What I feel is what I've always felt. It's always been there but I'm much more tired now than I ever have been before. I don't know who I am suppose to be. I am so tired of me. All of my happiness couldn't bring me back. The only thing that brings my mind back from this misery is those moments in my life where others were experiencing the same. In those moments I had enough connection to feel relevant and wanted. Relevant because of the moment and wanted because just being together. But those moments are long gone and I doubt I will ever see such trials that bring one another again. Which brings me to my disappointment in what I thought I knew about myself.

I thought I knew that I wanted to go out on my own and be away from everybody. But now all I wish for is to be back in those hard times with those people. Whether I hated them or not, it didn't matter. Our experiences together will always be remembered. I know others feel the same way, but life moves on. Life moves on whether we want it to or not. You can move with it or you can stand still, time doesn't care. I feel as if I've moved forward with time. But mentally I've been feeling as if I made the most regrettable decision of my life. Mentally I've hit a dead end. Mentally, I cannot press on and find myself falling farther back. I only realize this once a week. When I'm brought back to the reality of this harsh world. The reality that friendships and people don't last forever. The ones who don't say good bye are gone forever. It's at these times I look back at those moments, those trials and I wish would have never left. There's a deep ache in my heart that will never go away.

waking at dawn

I miss the time's where I'd stare at the endless sea.
Information and curiosity.
The search was never ending and you never knew what you were looking for.
All you knew was you wanted more.

A lot has happened since then.
A simple time with like minded friends.

Something that came across easily, something that stayed.
The friends that never left were the true friends I made.

Waking at dusk to see the nautical twilight.
Eye's open, the perfect night.

Music subtle and surrounding.
Light scrolling passed, astounding.

Friends always on, people everywhere.

I miss the time's where I'd stare at the endless sea.
A wonderful time for information and curiosity.

A time in which I had time.

Closed up

I don't know what to say anymore.

want

You can see that I'm hurting. But rather than sticking with me through my pain.You walk away and assume I'm too busy to help you. God help me, it's crippling.

Too tired to remember.

Nothing describes how empty I feel when I'm alone. Nothing compares how soulless I feel when your with me. Hollow is how I would describe me. It's like a pit at the top of my stomach. only able to feel the edges of the abyss that is my conscious being. Frustration builds inside. The doubt carries. The cold draft that kisses you, never leaves. Making it unbearable. Tears, A well of sorrows. Hiding waves of emotion. Uncontrollable emotion. Never let it out. Never be who you are. They refuse to understand. Or  so I think. Or so I'll always believe.

Always, alone. Resting inside my head. I'm tired. I've thought this for so long. I always wondered why but I always pushed on. I pushed my body beyond it's limits and learned what it was to be a man. I pushed my mind to ignore feeling, both emotional and pain. I pushed my self so hard that I got lost. Then I remembered that I was tired. Then I found myself again. This is when I gave up. I gave up long before I left. I gave up after I destroyed myself. Then I just lived. Trying to understand why I was tired. trying to figure out what I was tired of or who. But I think I finally understand now. What I'm tired of, is life. The single act of living pains me. Breathing day in and day out. Just being just to be. I don't think I could put more people on this earth. What a terrible thing that would be. How awful. To let someone be born. to let someone live.

But. There are always two sides to everything. Because when I don't remember that I'm tired. That's when I know that I am happy. That's when I know, that I'm being me without knowing it. Life's complicated and I hate that. Some times I get tired. It's what I do when I don't remember that. That's me. These days though, the thought never leaves me. No matter how much sleep I get, I push on because the people around me. They are what help me forget.

This feeling will never leave. But I've slowly learned to be adequate at pushing it away. I just happen to push away those who love me as well. This curse will never go away. Maybe some day, I will finally, truly understand. Life.

English

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

You say you can read, yet you don't understand what's its saying.
You say you understand but hardly think about what its conveying.

Countless messages you've seen, not one applicable.
Pick one please, let it resonate or you're despicable.

Yet the light shines in your eyes as you, "ooo" and "aww"
You let the internet take you, it's every bodies flaw.

You skim articles for paragraphs and those for titles.

At glance you can tell, it's not instant gratification.

So you click next.

But next brings you no where and time has past.
How long will we do this, "oh look, that was fast!" 

So you click next.

What do you want from me?

I just don't understand.
Is what I thought a year ago wrong?

Am I right today?
When will this go away?

Does the feeling never disappear?
When I speak, what do you really hear?

I just don't understand.
Ignore me, while I hide within myself.

I know there's no answers there.
All I know is that I don't care.

I don't understand.
Am I dead inside?

Too emotional too distraught.
So why in past tense have we fought?

I don't understand.
Is it me, is it you?

I feel blind, nothing is ever enough.
We have it all, look at all this stuff !

I don't understand.
Quality time. what's this?
I guess I don't want to learn either.
Back to the abyss..

wHen pEopLe become sheePle...

How to say and what to do.
How we do and what we say.

To act different or to act true.
It's an art, for the few.

To hold on to some self respect.
But to let anger take aim and neglect.

Those we hurt and those who see.
Imitate.

Those who watch and don't follow.
contemplate.

With knowledge comes power.
Conceded.

Those who pretend to know.
Hurting those who don't.

The people who want change, never will and wont.

Tact is something special.
You have to try, you have to care.

Just remember its not always fair.

Kaleidoscope of broken promises..

Thank you for everything.
Is thanks enough?
For all you do and all you are.
All you've ever been and all you ever needed to be.

Thank you for everything.
The confidence the gratitude.
My reason, my attitude.
Ever changing.

Is thanks enough?
I had hoped so but it feels like I don't speak the same language.
This is rough.

Soft tones and beautiful notes.
Songs that create scars, movies that create holes..

For all you do and all you are.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know why it's so hard.

Tight sheets and flat pillows.
A bed so cold, space that never ends.

All you've ever been and all you ever needed to be.
I just want to say that I'm sorry.
That I wasn't the same way.

A man can promise a thousand things...

Feeling without feeling.

Crying without you.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
Ignoring the rain, I have to ponder.
Do I care who I share mine with?
The life I carry, the burden or so?
Does my mind wonder, yes and no.
No feeling at all.
From my heart to yours, lets have a ball.
Crying with you, there's warmth in our tears.
Against you, solace in comfort.
Away, fingers grip nothing as air is often cold.
Eye's closed, forgetting how to hold.
The longer the distance, the time apart.
The more I miss you, straight from my heart.
Crying without you, or crying alone.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
I forget who I am.
I forget who we are.
I lose myself without you.
While away, I don't remember.
Why this facade, this charade .
To say I don't care would be a lie.
Crying without you.
Ignoring the rain.
I want you to know about my pain.
I love you.