It's not that waking up everyday is challenging. It's that by the evening, I often wish I hadn't. Some times I realize this even sooner, but the days go on. I don't know how to explain my frustration, my sadness or why I can't just accept happiness. It's this weird desire in me I can only explain as being human. This need to want more even after I've been given or earned everything I have. I just can't escape this thought any time I'm happy. I want more, but I want more now. This impatience is slowly killing my character and who've I've built my self up to be. I see it, yet I can do nothing but watch. I'm slowly killing myself because of my inner monologue. I'm mentally withering away because my inability to accept myself as who I am. I think because I just don't know who I am. I've met so many great people that all I've recognized I do is imitate. I try my best to imitate greatness anywhere I can. I catch myself imitating friends, family. I often notice around others that I act. I do not know why and only notice after I've put on a show. I question who I am every minute of every day. Was that me, or would I say that? Truth is I'm also indecisive in the way that I act. I cannot chose what is my favorite anything. If asked personally. I can make many sound decisions. But when it comes down to putting a numbered order to what my interests are. It's as if I'm thrown to the front of the stage and I have no lines. I often have thought about why I have no lines and cannot perform and be open personally. I simply am too afraid to be open. Too scared to admit to people who I am. So scared of what others might think. I've built walls around who I am with messengers at the gates. Rehearsed lines and small talk to excuse those who I really have no interest in. So anyway, I often find my self thinking at the end of the day, or some times the beginning. Why life has so much despair and tragedy? It would be better if I didn't have to experience it all. I often wonder.
I go through this cycle every week. To point where I don't recognize myself. I freak out and can't calm down. My heart races and the sadness trickling down my spine is not enough to console me. It's a viscous cycle that I like to describe often as sadness and despair. I don't know why my blood boils at nothing and my impatience for anything takes over. I can't explain myself. Those around me have no idea. They don't understand, the same as me. I can't even describe why. Every day I just grow more and more tired of being me. More and more tired of being who I am and watching who I want to be wither away. I can't even compare it to darkness anymore. It washes over me like waves as if I just lie down and let the sand take me. Breathing through it all. It does nothing. What I feel is what I've always felt. It's always been there but I'm much more tired now than I ever have been before. I don't know who I am suppose to be. I am so tired of me. All of my happiness couldn't bring me back. The only thing that brings my mind back from this misery is those moments in my life where others were experiencing the same. In those moments I had enough connection to feel relevant and wanted. Relevant because of the moment and wanted because just being together. But those moments are long gone and I doubt I will ever see such trials that bring one another again. Which brings me to my disappointment in what I thought I knew about myself.
I thought I knew that I wanted to go out on my own and be away from everybody. But now all I wish for is to be back in those hard times with those people. Whether I hated them or not, it didn't matter. Our experiences together will always be remembered. I know others feel the same way, but life moves on. Life moves on whether we want it to or not. You can move with it or you can stand still, time doesn't care. I feel as if I've moved forward with time. But mentally I've been feeling as if I made the most regrettable decision of my life. Mentally I've hit a dead end. Mentally, I cannot press on and find myself falling farther back. I only realize this once a week. When I'm brought back to the reality of this harsh world. The reality that friendships and people don't last forever. The ones who don't say good bye are gone forever. It's at these times I look back at those moments, those trials and I wish would have never left. There's a deep ache in my heart that will never go away.
