My priorities are much different than the ones I use to have. This world is not a kind place and those who treat it as such are lucky. Well, I envy you. I understand hard times but what others don't understand is that it can always be harder. I spent 10 months in the Marine Corps. I'm now a Lance Corporal. I've learned so many lessons about life and each one involves you to just stop think. Stop and think for yourself. No ones does this. I often describe the Marine Corps as a giant ocean full of shit. They push you off with rocks tied to your hands and feet. Your goal is to swim to the surface. The surface can be one of two things. It can either be the end of your enlistment, or the point where you realize your finally above the rest. There's so much shit to get through, so many people holding you back. All you can do is think and remember what the air is like to breathe.
In retrospect it's all good memories. But living it will always be hell. I've hardly done anything with my career and I feel as if I'm more experienced in life than any average civilian my age. Not in education per say but in over all experience. 10 months of learning how to kill someone. Think about it. It's all I want to do, is go over seas and get some. It's all anyone wants to do in the Corps. It's what we train for. That's not all we learn though, we learn to protect. I did not want to join the military in peace time. I admit I had no idea how hard it is and what it means to go over seas before I even joined. But now, almost every NCO and above I've met in the Corps has killed someone. Think about it, the stories I've heard. I just want to do my job, I just want to do what I've been trained to do. I'll get mine some day. I'll get mine.
I just want to crash and burn. I want to take every school that will throw me to the wolves. It's the only motivating thing about the Marine Corps.
Out of all this I still haven't even said what I sat down to say. I can't explain my mindset, I can't be the same person I was before. I hate everything I write, I can't play the music I use to. I don't enjoy what I use to do in the past. I hate wasting time, and I hate small unit leadership. I've been a leader for most of my career and all the leader does is take the blame. That's it, I've been getting punished for shit I haven't done since the beginning. I'm use to it I guess. Marines never Lie Cheat or Steal. In fact, it's all we do.
You can't begin to understand unless you go through it. Literally I miss pain. I miss consequences. I don't regret joining and I certainly can't wait till I get out.
I just want to mash this keyboard, no words can express what I feel anymore. Nothing can be done, constant frustration. Constant everything.
I spend my time off with my brothers. I cannot spend any time alone. My time off is valuable to me. I only have so much of it.
Like I said, no words can describe me anymore.
Broken, fixed, patched, lean, dense, strong, smart,willing, daring.
Words are just words after all.
