I Hurt Myself Yesterday

Away, too busy to feel.
The facade I carry begins to peel.
At home, so safe that nothing can hurt me.
Out there, afraid to expend too much energy.

This part of me builds up.
The anticipation welling inside me.
Or is it anxiety?

I act sad. I just need a little compassion.
Do I go do the things I don't want to do?
Do I fight myself, is this the right action?

It's in the air, the weight of it all.
The lights dim, there you go and here I fall.

All the help and notes I have, thrown out the window with anger.
I just need a little compassion.
I close my eyes. I don't want to see red, I don't want to see danger.

But here it is, unable to cope.
As my indecision tears me apart.
All I can do is hope.

It's never enough, I feel like I have to decide.
I'm done being tough, I just want to lie here and cry.

Being tough is as easy as seeing black and white.
Seeing true color scares me.
I'm just so afraid to fight.

That's why, I hurt myself last night.

Oldsmobile with a 442

Whether you know it or not.
You filled a void I would later discover that I had.

All that pent up anger all the times I got mad.
I didn't know then that you would be that important to me.

I didn't even know if you loved me.
But you were there.

For the most of it.

I just wanted to let you know.
That because of you, I am the man I am today.

The good and the bad.
Thank you so much for the family I was apart of.

How to.

Who's perceptive do you trust to tell the story?
I've always told them from mine.
This time, for some reason it just doesn't feel right. But I think I will anyway.

What if told you, I always told you, what i think and not what I know.
what if i told you, I only ever cared how everything rhymed to flow.

All these feelings every thought I ever had went on paper good or bad.

Using language less than grammatically correct  to convey the only way I know how to protect, my feelings.
Dealing with this demon called emotion.

Growing up every day being told to forget and push down, sadness, love, joy, and anger.

Every day being told to be quiet so others could think about how they can ignore their own sadness, love joy and anger.

I like to write poems that make you feel the way I do.
However, I've lost the way to convey the emotion now that I understand how to wait and feel.

Not everything has to rhyme or be apart of its on unique system. This system is what has me stuck, its what has me glued to my past.  Believe I use to be this, while ignoring what I am now. knowing what I felt then is different but wondering why I can't feel what know now. what I meant was, why can't I convey how I feel even though I have a better understanding.
  Of how to just let go.

I could talk about the way I grew up, but it's so far away.
I could talk about the way I use to think but I don't remember anymore.
What I don't remember is I can't remember if I've forced myself to forget or if I've actually forgotten.
Ive talked about being lost in my own head.
Not knowing. I talk about not knowing a lot.
However.