To Cathy, Love your guts!

walking by walls of light.

Film reels scroll through mindsets and days delights.

Each story different some films never ending.

Some stay still, others, pictures pending.

Changing, moving delightfully through.

Stopped, beauty entranced my mind.

A soft and Beautiful fulfillment of light purged and intertwined.

a picture of you, Stars above the sky.

eyes melting with joy, but why?

questions that can't be answered, who?

why on earth, the stars paint words, love, you.

down on earth, the films start a fire.

my heart, choked up, the wait, my mind set with desire.

Influential words, my knees cracked to the ground.

Hands steady holding my body up, courage i've found.

Standing again, the fires no longer appear.

only picture of you on each wall my hearts near.

Sitting, waiting, watching the stars as the films roll by.

I will never have to worry because you'll never say goodbye.

what is

What is human philosophy?

What is self control?

What are ethics?

How is our reality perceived?

What is reality?

Without rules reality wouldn't exist.

Without existence there would be peace.

with peace there would be nothing.

With nothing lies emptiness.

With emptiness lies sadness.

Within sadness resides within complex emotions.

Complex emotions are our fabric of reality.

With out it we have no reality.

Reality is defined by what we perceive as real.

We Lie, That is human Philosophy.

how insane?

I remember the dream I had. I had only done about 30 min of sleeping before I had a nightmare. In the dream I remember being in a white room. I don't remember where but i do remember the intensity. I was standing wide eyed and smiling. It started out with me worrying about something, I remember smiling, I looked mad, crazed even. it was like my eye lids were gone, as if I was intensely staring into space. My body was still and all was quiet as i stood. The stress started to come in waves, my body shuttered but stood still. Sweat dripped from the creases of my brain. my body felt heavy with an insane amount of pain. The first voice said something, I couldn't remember what. He spoke as if I were the epitome of dirt. He was joined by others. They were all talking inside my head. I had no control after the others joined. I started to breathe heavy. The group of more than 20 screaming was now anything absurd. I was alone staring off into space. My face was smiling, head tilted, eyes open. I started to laugh in fear with pain. I heard all of their voices in my head. The pain was so intense that i went absolutely insane, laughing. At that point of the dream I was half awake scared out of my mind. My head tilted back in that white space of nothingness as my mouth opened and closed with crazed laughter. That nothingness then became an immediate black. My brain exposed, tears poured from my mind and the sweat from my brain dripped from the sides of my head. Suddenly stricken with real pain and real fear I stopped laughing. A hand came from no where and grabbed my brain. There was no person attached to the arm. It gripped my brain so tight I wanted to scream but couldn't. My mind was now conscious and I was awake, I was rolling back and fourth. The hand was making me. I was conscious and awake, it continued to shake me. The pain was intense, my mind was throbbing. The people screaming from the time it grabbed me. I didn't know what to do, I was awake but felt like I was still being controlled. I went mad in my dream and completely insane. While awake i had to tell myself that nothing existed just to make the voices stop. I realized i was in control after awhile and I sat up. I looked around my room, then at my clock. I had only been asleep for 20 minutes. At first i thought I was insane. Now, i can barely remember.

it is

Attitude displays knowledge and benevolence is the key to true happiness.

Life will, life will

Never come to us.

Life will, life will.

Always rely on lust.

Life will, life will

Kick you when your down

Life is, life is

Every verb and noun.

where does the truth lie as it sleeps sleeps running?

Greatness, where does it come from?

That extra step?

The will?

If you do nothing your whole life, were you living?

What is potential?

why does everybody harness this asset yet butcher it's features?

Depression and thoughts.

The Heart knows what the heart knows.

Grow up, what does this mean?

Maturity, is it the ability of tolerance and the acceptance of being wrong?

Confused about life and it's details.

My guts falling, I'm bleeding entrails.

Snow melting as red as the sky.

Blood pumping, I think I could die.

No organs damaged my heart protected.

Rib cage and chest plate intact, bullet deflected.

A person stands over me, Hypothetically.

He yells, " stand up"! I look up pathetically.

Guts in hand breath wheezing.

Veins blue, my body, freezing.

"Get up"! He yells again, a swift kick in the face.

Doubled over in pain standing at my own pace.

The crunch of snow, sounds beneath my feet.

One leg at a time I stand up, our eyes meet.

Me, slouched to my left my guts in hand.

My fist raised, snow carries across the land.

Still bleeding, red flakes frost away.

My body ruined, I scream, "You'll pay"!

Suffocating on my own blood I step forward and swing.

Right hand, everything I've got, I believe I'm king!

Eyes rolled to the back of my head.

My last swing met with lead.

Body caught, life gone.

A shadow disappears through the nights dawn.

Beat psychologically and killed subconsciously.

Dragged away on an endless journey of forever.

No ends ever met because of this endeavor.

Confused about life and it's details.

My guts falling, dead, bleeding entrails.

PitFall

Dark Clouds and Digital Clocks.

Count down above our heads, weather ever changing.

Life ticks away, each one ranging.

3900 saturdays till 75.

That's how long most are alive.

Dark Clouds and Digital Clocks.

The weather violent, storms of hatred.

Hundreds of people, no reason, hated.

Consciously fake, only giving to get.

Only kind to others to teach others debt.

Despicable, disgusting, and disguising.

Unforgivable, mind rusting, no reason, despising.

Dark Clouds and Digital Clocks.

The mind tainted with selfish views.

Only about your self all others, used.

Your eyes closed unwilling to see.

How forgive and forget is so easy.

Your the stick in our spokes, the knife in our backs.

Any time we show happiness your entity attacks.

A smile turned straight a good laugh gone.

Your attitude shot like a good day, dawn.

Dark Clouds and Digital Clocks.

If you have nothing nice to say than don't say anything at all.

Because life with out you, is it's own pitfall.

1

One day i'll post some poems again, one day. :)

Late :D

I've had some thoughts and poems i'd like to share with you soon but i've been so busy i haven't had the time to post them. I will soon :D

why

why do people have to die. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer last week, My dad is now going over to north carolina to take care of him. He's going to rent out the house and live down to take care of my grandfather. This will be the first christmas i have without my father and who know's knowing him he probably wont make it to my graduation. Why is life so.

Nobody likes to be alone, specially after a break up but that's when we discover who we really are and what we really want.

Ted Mosby- How I Met Your Mother.

haha heard this on a tv show tonight and made complete sense to me.

The whole world, right now.

Just feeling really uncomfortable right now and out of my normal comfort zone. It feels as if i'm sitting in the most uncomfortable chair but i can't get up. It just doesn't feel right.

people

People, this writing binge has been about people. All kinds of people. All kinds of people. People believe they make the earth spin. That's what people do. all kinds of people. People tolerate people who can't tolerate people. These people are often unalterable. People. People believe they've been created to die and exist in a fantasy land. People, they listen, they don't.

People, they are blind, people that can see.

Both kinds of people aren't people to me.

Existence lies with each breath.

Resistance Relies heavily on death.

People rely on people.

Love, is hard to explain.

When loved there is no pain.

Love can sweep you off your feet.

Or, it can crush you in defeat.

Love breathes through each one of us.

People rely on people.

To fall in in love and hit the ground hard.

Means to have accidentally pulled the right card.

Love can hurt, it's on everybody's mind.

The problem with love is finding the time.

Love, is it possible to be too late?

Or will it always be the extremes of fate?

If one loves someone, can they love them back?

People rely on People.

People cry on People.

People need People.

People love People.

People, are people.

Thank you.

The Weight

The point of a pen, my heart bleeds.

The world stops on words like these.

From where I'm standing everything's still.

My mind frozen and lacking the will.

The snowy haze, cold air against my skin.

How does one know if they're going to win?

Happy then sad then happy but mad.

Mad at the powers one can hold.

Mad at the world for being so cold.

A broken pen bursts upon the canvas.

The snow red, ink gone.

Memories, left behind by others.

Like parents tucking in the covers.

A child with the potential to free the free world.

Killed with a baseball, hurled.

Father speechless and undoubtedly terrified.

Mother bent over her son who'd just died.

The game they won at a loss.

One child at the cost.

The crowds heart silent, watching the killer.

An 8 year old boy who could throw and 88 mile 'r .

How does one know if they're going to win?

The snowy haze, cold air against my skin.

The ink spilled and the mess everywhere.

The passenger killed, faces in despair.

Lives watching, calling for one another.

A son lives but at the cost of his mother.

The memories pieced together.

everybody's peace is an endeavor.

The pen wont stop the guilt.

The blood, already spilt.

Sobriety a joke, the whole worlds high.

A chemical reaction controls your life, they lie.

Media bent on the destruction of your mind.

Chemicals creating and destroying, you will find.

Your life, run by your own decisions.

Your mood controlled by their incisions.

Dopamine running down your spine.

The cause was natural your fine.

The sugar you eat and the caffine you drink.

The worlds addicted, the two you can link.

This worlds corrupt, bent on fear and destruction.

How does one know if they're going to win?

The snowy haze, cold air against my skin.

The universe, our plane.

The ink, our pain

The motivation, secrets from in ourselves.

The instigation, Not Here.

Today was a good day

Taylor and I helped our Boss put up Christmas lights today. It was pretty fun but took us about 6 hours to do. haha!

Anyway I wrote some new stuff.

Followers to prescription

Crossing scenes.

Crossing Dreams.

How the sky melds.

How the thunder welds.

The lightening, violent Red.

The sunset of the rising Dead.

Shadows of the lost.

To what end and what cost?

We, are gods.

Your heads nods.

Society doesn't believe me.

Religious followers and scientists try to deceive me.

I don't bite the hook I just use the bait.

People these days just don't understand fate.

We live longer than all other beings.

Instead of us rising you see us kneeing.

The only organism able to consciously create.

That is why were gods, this is why it's fate.

So believe what you must and think what you will.

Just remember we are the ones who created the pill.

We are gods as perfect description.

It says so in each bottled prescription.

Believe me.

Your head nods.

Thank you.

- Thoughts

I get the idea that when you look at me that you know too much about me. I get the idea when you look at me you know something about me that i don't.When alone you stare deep into me as if you know the sins I've committed. As if you have the most sacred of secrets of hate for me. Passing through, you never acknowledge me nor even glance in my direction. You never say hi and when our eyes meet you feel awkward and look away without even a grin. You wonder why we've spread so thin when you act like you do. It feels as if you harbor hatred towards me that is not your own. How can i call you a friend when you Cease to see me. How can you act like my friend around others perfectly but alone you can't see me. As if I'm only alive when I'm with others. I don't expect a hug everyday or a hello or even an apology. But when our eyes meet you could at least smile to let me know you know me. that would be the least you could do. If not then there is no longer a friendship between us.

Jobs

when you have one, every day feels like thursday and sunday.

What makes one sane?

I've been struggling finding what i once had and seem to have a grasp again as to what it was that i lost. Let me start off by saying Yes i've thought of every possible outcome that someone could possibly die but after watching "Ninja Assassin" on Thursday i now know about 100 more... O.O

Anyway in all seriousness I've been stuck some where on a distant planet looking up at the stars wondering how i came to be. Not how i was born, but how my mindset and moral skills and attributes actually accumulated. I tried to think back when i was young and thought of what i use to think. I remember thinking things i would never have thought in my on mind right now, so how did i become like me? That's a tough question i can't can't answer, but that wont stop me from searching, or should it? My mind lately hasn't been level with everyone else and i've been thinking things that nobody would suspect me thinking. Hmmm, to think, what does this mean? Thinking is described as having Rational thought and Reason, but what i think doesn't always apply to that. Does this mean that im not thinking? No, because thought it also a belief or opinion, whether it has reason or not does not matter. Why do i bring this up? I bring this up because my thoughts have always terrified me. I think of the worst possible thing that could happen, that's how my thought process goes. Yet, you could also say i think the exact opposite of this because i think both happy and thoughts despair. This is why my thoughts scare me because i never know whether to cling to what i know or to cling to what others know. In fact, that thought of me being scared of my thoughts is something that i wouldn't normally say is true. I say that because i've overcome many of my fears. This leads us to emotion. Emotions are complicated. When thought about, are the basis of everything you do. Fear is something that can make or break you. Isn't that odd? Fear itself if overcome, can make you greater than you already are but when running with that fear you are weak. Emotions are complicated. Your brain chooses whether to be happy or sad no, you choose whether you are happy or sad. Since your mind has the power to choose emotion why does it cower with depression? The most unexplainable of all emotions. You can be happy and depressed, you can enjoy what you do everyday and be depressed. So what is with this emotion that kills the human spirit? what is with this power that makes many like myself think thoughts of sorrow, despair, anger and defeat or more or less Suicide or any escape from reality itself.

Here's something interesting, Reality. What i understand as reality is the hardship of what one does everyday. Although when i experience something other than my on way of life, lets say someone who lives on the streets. Their Reality is in fact not my Reality but a Reality and for me to see this makes our realities a reality, or does it? Reality is what's real. What if, you don't think of what's real around and you go about your life never wondering or comprehending the meaning of reality. Then that is your reality. It's what you perceive as significant even if you don't, that is reality. Now what makes one Sane?

Being Sane is Defined by others by what reality they see you in. Or is it? Insanity. To lose your mind in thought and never grasp thought as you once did. That is what i believe to be insanity. I've never reached this because this is what i believe to be insanity, that is my mental line. I may think and be as crazy and insane as i want but as long as i don't cross that thresh hold, to me i am sane. To the open world, not so much. That is how i know myself, by never crossing that line.

Now that i have my babbling out of the way, i've regained a part of myself i once lost. Or at least im on the verge of hanging on to it finally. What it was that made me so down before is still live and kicking but each and every day i seem to have the upper hand.

Today feels like a sunday cause i work tomorrow. I Enjoy work as much as i can because i wouldn't want to not impress my manager.

PEACE!

What an Awesome day

So i was stressing the entire day before work and even when i slept last night i had dreamed about work. My anxiety and stress were killing me because the work i did yesterday.

The minute i got to work, the manager stepped up and said that she had pulled too much money from my till. A huge smile went across my face and the stress lifted. That meant that i was only 6 cents over, which isn't that bad. So today i added an extra $10 to my till and at the end of the day i had a perfect count of everything. I didn't screw up at all.

Thank god! i never realized how stressed i could get before this. >,<

Work

Stress, $10 short of my till was not the best way to start my new job. Now im freaking out and im nervous to even go to work. Why do i feel so damn stressful right now, i can't even choose the right tie. all i can wish for is that i hope i don't get fired and that i hope i can do better today.

Say what?

From Drop Box

Thoughts unwinding, conceited

My brain reckless, defeated

The sun beats down on me like a thousand critics.

Eyes closed, too bright, too many heretics.

Dogma, conceited allies repent with fake alibi's.

The world shattered in lies, everybody cries.

Eyes open easily, the darkness welcoming feasibly.

The people, my mind, how it seems so confined.

In the light i control my own actions, but the rays weigh heavy.

With the blight upon my mind two doors leavy.

Which truth will i pick and which door will I fall through?

Or will I ever begin to love you?

Choice isn't an option.

Free falling acrobatics, through hoops I go, oh no!

Coming closer i realize there's a key hole and splat I go.

This is why i hope to fly forever.

Although i do eventually want to know.

Candy and ice cream

Both can make your mouth hurt, but they're both soooooo good. Anyway i've been hurten for awhile. Big ups and big downs. Work is kind of motivating, it seems to be working, i start tomorrow.In a small way i really regret not doing sports this winter. It feels as if this year the sports teams i could be joining are actually going to win something. Oh well soon enough i'll be enjoying what i really want to do.

yup

Great! there's nothing like a push back down to the bottom after I've already climbed to the top...

Friday The 13th

From Drop Box

Ironically this is now my favorite day of any month, but only if it's on a Friday. I took the drive test and got an 88 on it, which is passing. Then after that I went in to RiteAid for an Interview and NAILED IT, I got the job! Today has been awesome! Maybe not the best day i've ever had ever, but pretty damn close to it :D Now I'm off to go to a huge over the night car show with BREAKFAST YUM!!!

Peace! and I love you all for the constant Inspiration and care :D

PASSED

I passed with an 88 YEAH!

Doing good

I got called by RiteAid today. I took a phone test and now I have an interview with them at 4 O'clock pm. Before this though, I'm taking my drive test, WISH ME LUCK :D!!

My dads Bday

It was my dads birthday today, I don't even know how old he is. I wish one day to give my dad everything he wants, but until them all i can do is wish him happy birthday. So, Happy Birthday dad I love you :D.

Pressure

Again I got something that told me what to do. I got a fortune cookie today that says " Seek out significance of your problem at this time. Try to understand". Nothing like a good fortune cookie. I just, still don't know.

do it.

So I wrote a poem today, not knowing what it said. when I was finished I put it in my bag and didn't read it until later today. I was kind of star struck at what I had said in this poem. I literally answered my own problem without even knowing. It was surprising to say the least but I don't know if can do what the poem told me to do. I just don't know.

So ...

so apparently I've become a profession at digging my self the deepest holes imaginable and falling in them. Just the way it is with everything.

Unsound, mind rotten

From Drop Box

Wrote this Last week in class while ignoring the teacher when she spoke of John Donne the poet.

In my mind I've been skipping class.

Physical sentences whiplash.

The ability to care is as thin as air.

There's no improving, my life is a nightmare.

I see my future very clearly.

I see what my family means to me so dearly.

Or, I don't

This shadow haunts my being.

It controls whatever I'm seeing.

I do not know why i have been given a cloud.

Ever since it's rained many days along with thunder, Loud.

My mind seeks forgiveness and well being.

but it's under the control of a shadow, always fleeing.

Thus the curse of light.

I may never know light again if this cloud hangs forever.

I may never shake it, for I am not that clever.

I wish to do well and i wish i hadn't lied.

For right now I fear the inside of me has died.

unrelenting hold, wont you let go?

Things would be so much easier if you didn't hang so low.

It's in my eyes they fill with darkness.

I have lost my soul.

It is something it stole.

I have lost my way.

I do not know the meaning of enjoying a day.

I have forgotten my mind.

I have lost it and soon may never find.

I need help, obviously.

With no path means no obligation.

So i will sit until i rise to seek investigation.

I will wait to be saved.

But it will be too late if my path is already paved.

Life, why are you so senseless.

You make me and everyone else Defenseless.

I Need Motivation.

Should or Shant that is the Question

From Drop Box

Dear friends who'm greet me with great respect.

Will you think less of me if i recollect?

How about if I never tell?

How then, will you know I fell?

In what way is my choice wrong?

Is it because it's almost dawn?

For it to be too late or too early,

I must know if you think Surely.

The path already taken.

Is there a way or am I mistaken?

Can I breathe smoke so clear?

Can I not live in fear?

In what way shall I commence the destruction,

and how with this deduction?

Will I become like the ones you see?

No, no, I cannot break the foundation of me.

My will is too sound.

In a way I have found.

Maybe, maybe, just a way,

to stay stable long enough to pay.

oh what are my choices with relaxation?

It's like every part of me, pressed with taxation.

Shall I not fear of what others think?

Or Shall I care about everything with every blink?

Stress reliever, pain reducer.

Sounds a bit like you sir.

May I have my mind, no?

oh? Is it my head you stole?

No? Is it my heart in whole?

woh. It is infact my will.

Will without motivation and motivation without will.

I want it back.

I wish to ask nicely

But that would be unwise of me.

Seeing as that you are a god, a mad hatter.

You will never give back what you've taken through the means of others.

Nor will you reply to the beliefs of mothers.

Hear them cry as you will, for you are as cynical as we.

Except you may never know the pain of me.

I am different and do what I believe.

So when I make decisions, instead of looking up.

I look through what you foolishly gave us.

I look through the mind you've stolen and the heart you've crushed along through my eyes you've blinded to veer us so that you may jeer us as we walk foolishly through a dark room with a door that has no knob. You disgrace us with the thought of personality and the mention of spirituality, but those who believe do not deal with the situations I have and that you've bestowed.

Should I or Shant?

That is the question.

What i've missed

From Drop Box

I've written some poetry that wanted to post about a week ago but my mind wasn't up to the task. Now that it is hopefully i can type them all up :D

This poem was kind of a rebellious act towards the analysis of poetry. I got sick of ripping apart artwork and trying to understand the meaning when in fact every opinion interpreted could be correct. There's not point to that, so i wrote this poem and read it to the class and everybody clapped loudly for me and agreed. it was nice, but this is by far the most repetitious poem I've ever written.

Over Analyze This!

I write, I write

it comes to me so naturally

I write, I write

it speaks to me so fluently

so why, so why

do we pick apart

so why, so why

that beautiful art

you see, you see

there is no greater meaning

you see, you see

it's only what your feeling

oh how, oh how

can we be so insensitive

oh how, oh how

can humans be so tentative

to take, to take

ways of literature so fine

to take, to take

and destroy by crossing the line

you can't, you can't

see the natural beauty

you can't, you can't

you must read so loosely

to find, to find

the real purpose of a poem

to find, to find

isn't this curriculum

The purpose, the purpose

is what you per sieve at first glance

the purpose, the purpose

not what you guess each and every chance

it is,it is

only what your feeling.

Wrote this in class while questioning the idea of man compared to god.

The Horror of Purpose

Why would god create death? If god had a personality then what is the purpose of us?

To have all power

to create with no desire

inseparable the thought of him

He who cares all

watches as each on of us fall

Define Justice

The one who hears our thoughts

the battles we've lost

what is the purpose?

To believe is to relieve our minds of responsibility

We know too much, for we cloud our minds

The fear will over come us, we will find

"God", we'eve named our secret accomplishments

The wishes that have come true

That is why we fear ourselves like we do

We are gods, to conceited to think it was us

Deep down, we know

For we'eve created it all, and all one day we will show.

Wrote this yesterday cause i got bored and thought about how life is so long but can be easily taken away.

Slick Isle and smug faces

Nail files and bullet cases

you watch as the bullet enters your skull

I watch as it hits me in full

what I've done only half of you can see

so please, try, try to believe me

you had crossed a line nobody could see

If I didn't act fast it would have been me.

Your knees hit the ground, looking at the sky,

arms limp to his side, I didn't want him to die.

Face to the floor, A reflection of me.

Frozen at my core, no only pity

In shock, I holster the realization

Mind locked, stuck with the image

Calling for back up i say, " we've got two dead"

my brain thinking on the walls

my body stiff as it falls

Goodbye.

Roger, Roger, i gotcha.

From Drop Box

What one does with anger will always be reckless. I've written plenty about my own sorrows but what cause's them I've only half revealed. Let me start by explaining that being rude, mean, unkind, or selfish is what people do when they have no others means of letting out stress. Stress can be dealt with by one of two ways, you can either deal with the problem or let it stress you out. Get it done or procrastinate. Basically everybody who uses the 4 types of being an ass obviously has a lot of pent up stress. These people don't know how to deal with them selves in the correct manner, specially around people that can be quite annoying. This means they have no self control. No self control is bad and if your over the age of 40, I think you need to kill yourself if you have none. Okay so here's the deal, I'm sick of walking around eggshells spread about the floor so I don't have to wake the raging gorilla while it sleeps. In fact I'd like nothing more then to just leave forever and never come back, but that wont happen any time soon. So because of walking around those precious egg shells I've grown tired and started slipping up only to be yelled at and scolded. I have also grown tired of the ways I've been talked to in the past, the scoldings are useless when anything can be summed up in about four or five words. There really is no point to raising your voice when I'm three feet away. You think because you yell louder that I will get it, when in fact you say you don't intend to intimidate. Well here lies the truth my dear boy, you do. You yell because nobody will listen to you if you don't, or at least that's what you think. Life doesn't work like that, You've proven this with one of your own analogy's. If someone explains a problem that they have and explains it worse than it already is, doesn't it make the situation worse? Of course it does. So then why must you yell at the top of your lungs to get your point across. I'm only 3 feet away and I'm only human. Compare me to what you want with your ill and retarded realizations but I am in fact smarter than you can begin to understand. When you yell I stay calm with composure, when you bitch and moan, I listen and wait. Why do I wait? I wait because some how your ignorance of your own feelings inspires me. You are but the ink in my pen and the thread to my needle. You mean nothing to me unless applied with one of my desires. In fact you are nothing to me, not a figurehead, not a role model, but nothing. You can yell but it's only a matter of time before life tunes you out, you gluttonous pig of society.

I might mention that not all Rude, Selfish, Unkind, and Mean people act the same.

I hate myself, The cup Half full.

From Drop Box

lately I've been a little confused with my actions. I come home from a good day at school but wait, i feel stressed. Stressed about what? I ask my self, but i just don't know. I've been asking myself that for awhile ever since I've stopped doing what use to be fun to me. I've stopped playing video games and I've stopped reading books. The things I use to enjoy I just stopped doing. I use to think it was depression or maybe that something was wrong with me but I just couldn't figure it out.Today, of all days I kind of figured out why i have that stress and what enables it. The stress that is built up in me is ironically everybody else's. I realized that today after I had told a friend a story about a stupid underclassmen. That friend said, "Casey, you need to Empty your cup and become like Zen". After he said this I sat down and thought to myself, "I couldn't do it". Couldn't do what? I thought that I couldn't become like Zen. The the excuse I gave was that I can't stop caring about those around me. That friend said a quote from Buddhism which I don't remember, but included being your natural self in a way. I've always viewed the cup as half full but that wasn't my problem. I don't have a problem with myself at all, I am not the reason why I am stressed. It's the fact that I like listening to the little things people have to say. This is what gives me the power to help friends. This is my problem, this sounds a bit selfish, of which i do not ever intend to be, but as my friend said, "You need to empty your cup". I see now that I can care about myself and still care for others. This is why I have been stressed, recently I've been so worried thinking of what other people think and of what their views are of certain things that I have forgotten about myself. I care for a lot of people and I know I listen well which here lies my actually problem. ////////////// apparently my EGO knows no bounds seeing that, I've realized that i am single handedly one of the most cocky persons i know of. I can't say what my real problem is because in reality I don't think i have one. I mean sure I've got tons of problems that i need help with but... That's it, I just found my problem... I think too much. It's as simple as that, I overly think about everything that ever crosses me that I sometimes even under think things I know aren't important. In other words I know when to be useful and I know when to lay back but I never know when to stop thinking. This is what my friend said about emptying my cup, I need to just stop thinking about everybody else and focus on the simple things. Perhaps I've been enduring life for so long I've forgotten how to enjoy it. I say this because when ever I'm not with some one I act as if I'm in a jail cell waiting for my next visitor. I wait and think about everything that I've ever done and how it has effected me and the people around me. Then when i get a visitor I'm completely content with my decisions, but after they leave I go back to my cell and wallow in self thought in spite of my own accomplishments. My problem is that I think I secretly hate myself for being me. Which is why I never want to be like me again because when I'm real and down to earth people are scared and turned off. People think of Heaven as a beautiful place and I, well, I don't think of heaven, plane and simple. I see the silver lining in things that are real, not what the convoluted masses agree upon. Anyway, I've made a discovery from writing this. I've realized that I am still deeply hurt emotionally because of family issues and passed relationships that I in turn hate myself because I never want to be like these people. I worry so much about not being something that I have no time to be myself which brings upon the stress I carry from wanting to help others to any other thing I do. It's all too much. The reason I enjoy helping people is because I don't want to be like the people in the passed. Who knows, the mind is complicated and with how much I think about things I've ended up Hating it.

Negativity ruling the minds of children

From Drop Box

I found this digging in my backpack today, it was in my math binder for some reason. I think i wrote this about two weeks ago. The entire poem is kind of odd. It ranges from both ends of two different spectrum's but, it does capture what i was feeling at the exact moment when someone pissed me off. Enjoy :D

Is it my face, my attitude, or the way i speak that brings people accustomed to treating me like shit? I try to help, I try to be nice but it seems as if people just like to take advantage. What's with people today, it's like the world is sour. All you do is smile and they all lash back with power. Negativity ruling the minds of children.

Blue sky's and rainbows

Windsor ties and faint foes

Dark clouds with lightening

Thick thunder becomes frighting

The fog shadows before your eyes

Through smoke and flames are the cries

Buildings fall rainbows shatter

help comes without a latter

The city under attack

The people running back

Clear sky's now a haze

your mind set ablaze

You now see through the eyes of your superior. Backing down from the podium you become inferior. You quickly quit life and take another profession. Stopped in your tracks by the people who need you, you quickly figure out the meaning of this lesson. The Windsor knot again upon your neck. For you've fought for a second chance at everything you do, you let live and people listen to you.

Waste Away

From Drop Box

Oh, how easy how easy

it is to sit in fray

oh, how easy how easy

it is to waste the day away

oh, people oh, people

that are so blind

oh, people oh, people

your minds you can't find

oh, why oh, why

can't you see

oh, why oh, why

that hidden fee

oh, life oh, life

how it can waste away

oh, life oh, life

in the end you pay.

Zombie poem

From Drop Box

wrote this for a do now in class :D

Also YAY HALLOWEEN POEM!

Sky's as dark as bloodshot eyes

as the mindless roam the streets

City's bleed death, for man is in defeat

we hear and listen for help to come

but what actually happens is the parade of the dumb

Eye sockets through and through

Never forget, the zombies are after you

The Germ: The seat of power

From Drop Box

"Above is drawn a diagram of a typical seed with two cotyledons. The cotyledons are specialized rudimentary leaves containing a supply of nourishment sufficient for the initial stage of the development of the germ.

The Germ is the real thing; the seat of identity. Within its delicate mechanism lies the will to power: the function which is to seek and eventually to find its full expression in form.

The seat of power and the will to live constitute the simple working idea upon which all that follows is based -- as to efflorescence.

A System of architectural Ornament According with a philosophy of Mans Powers."

Louis Sullivan

Written by an Architect that shaped our world, he too understands the process of maturity.

how are world is shaped

wrote this in English class, got bored.


Lovers cry
Mothers die
Children born
lovers scorn
Repent emancipation
Repeat this proclamation
Unstable with thine eyes
Forever are the lies
Clouds dissipating
People listen, waiting
Irony like thunder
Hits crowds and plunder
Social security bound
Name tags found
A leader unbelievably perceived
People uniquely deceived
Sky's turn shades of gray
Buildings start to sway
People looking up toward their leader.
Giant screens through cities bleed with capitalism. As socialism rivals, the entire country stays at a stand still. Unmoving, unbreatheing and still unstoppable.

Don't know

It feels like somethings is missing from my life right now. I don't quite no what it is but its been bothering me for about 2 weeks. When i look at things according to my future i see the picture as a whole where 3 years from now I'm at the college of my dreams. Going back when i look toward the next 3 years of my life, i'll still be in Washington working on my semester hours to get into that college. when i look at everything I'm doing currently, it feels like something is missing. I have an idea of what but it just seems to soon.

wishing never wishes.

From Drop Box

I don't really have anything inspirational to say but I do want to post something at least once in the month of October. I've been pretty melodramatic lately but it's all in good health. I've been able to write some pretty neat stuff while experiencing a lot of pain. Having reread everything I've done always cheers me up because I am able to learn more about myself. Lately I've been playing a lot of guitar, not just because of guitar class but because I want to learn how to sing and play at the same time. I've been pretty good so far, working with how to sing and what not. It's pretty challenging but I have found a voice that nobody would believe is my own. It sounds pretty nice but it's hard to sing like that after awhile so I go back to doing a normal tone. Lifes been good to me so far, learning new things and figuring out what I want to accomplish is an every day goal of mine. Just yesterday I was reminded why I wanted to be a chiropractor. It's amazing how fast we forget things and how slow we are to remember them.

Just the other day I watched a home movie of myself at the age of three tearing open presents on Christmas day. Watching this video of me and my three sisters made my eyes water. To realize how young I had once been and how old I have become made me think of how much we miss during our childhoods. While watching the videos I was able to catch something I hadn't seen in about 8 years. I was able to spot my fathers happiness for the first time in almost 8 years in an old home video. My father has pretty much descended in happiness, while the black mold of depression creeps through him, I grow older. I haven't seen my dad happy in such a long time, I burst into tears the minute I saw my dads face on the screen. I miss that, my dads smile and his attitude. Ever since I left it's like he's given up all hope to ever amount to anything. Which is why I can't believe how he could have ever ended up like this. Watching myself on this video being the age of three made me imagine my dad at that age, how happy he must have been. To compare him from that age to the age he is now would be impossible. It's hard to imagine that a once smiling and fun filled happy child is now a father of one and never calls. Not to say he's lazy, he took care of me until I was about fourteen and then I went away. Though, the calling is true, I'd be better off wishing pigs could fly.

I love you man

From Drop Box

Life happens faster than I could ever imagine. I still remember the times when I would play with legos and spend the night at friends houses just so we could have the roughest pillow fights you've ever seen in your life. I was reminded of how good I had it before I actually moved. I had close friends and in lived in a small town, I knew everyone and everyone knew me. It's just how it was, happy times. I remember playing with my little action figures with my father during Christmas morning when I was 5. I remember the way he tought me how to make paper air planes. I remember the cruddy apartments we lived in before we actually moved to that small town I spoke of. When I was little, I was an out doorsy kid, I went to the river almost every day and had a blast. I skated, biked, walked and went everywhere. I had a meal every night waiting for me and my dad had a good stable job. I always got what I really wanted and when I didn't it was no sweat because I was happy with what I had. Sitting through detention was the slowest thing I've ever been through and now that I'm older I kind of wish I would have spent some more time enjoying what I once had.

The past couple of weeks have gone by so quickly that this is the first day I've actually sat and thought a lot of things through. I thought about what I've been through, the connections I've made and the friends that I've had. I had a very happy childhood, I didn't even notice how much I would miss it. My friend Levi is my best friend, we use to do everything together, then I left. I left him because I was afraid of what would become of me if I had stayed. I left him with all those fake and hollow people he called friends. When I left I think a part of him left too. After I was gone he just went out of control and then he really went out of my life. For about 2 years I didn't see my best friend, it made me adjust to the friends I was acquiring through high school but I never forgot him. I sent him some letters and I talked to him on the phone. I said hollow friends before because I was the only one who cared enough to contact him while he was in a boys home. Truthfully I was the only one his parents ever trusted. Me and Levi, were true brothers and I miss that.

Missing someone isn't easy or hard, it just feels like a piece of you is missing and every time you think about it you get a little sad. My best friend came back finally last year. Within that year though he did great things. He got out and did sports, got good grades and found a musical soulfull side of him that I never knew existed. We connected in new ways and we're still close, but we still never see each other, or call. Now he is in the same drug slump he was before he went to the boys home. I don't want to be his parents and yell at him for what he's doing, I also don't want to tell him what to do, but so far what I have told him is that I love him and that I don't agree with the decisions that he's made. I told him I was once proud of him, but now were drifting apart because he can't control his urges to be on top of any outcome, he's beginning to lose his head. I'm always there for him no matter what through anything, I've been there.

He almost died last week. For me to hear that scares the hell out of me, it stresses me to the core. I can't imagine life without him, he's my exact opposite yin and yang but we have so much in common at the same time. It sucks because there's nothing I can do besides be his friend and support him. I can give him advice that he will gradually listen too, but it's hard when you live this far away. I'm just afraid that I could actually lose my best friend. If I ever did it would surely effect me greater than any loss I have ever had before. I'd lose a part of me, half my memories are his and his are mine, they could be lost. The stories I tell have two sides and if you laughed at one, you've got to hear the other. Anyway my best friend has dropped out of high school and is now in the search for a job, a job in which I hope he finds. I've given him advice since we last spoke but I know it will falter under the pressure of the passers by who willingly share the drug. I miss my best friend man, I want the old days back where fixing bikes, skateboards and wrestling each other to the ground while his dad walks in and stares at us until we stop, when we do he then makes a very classic remark, “ dumb asses”.

Levi, I love you man.

it could be a lot worse.

From Drop Box

never realized it before but now i think i'm okay. between a new outlook and figuring out what to do I've realized that confidence is something you need to succeed. I went skating today and couldn't ollie off this 3 foot hill. I don't know why but i was just scared to land it. I brushed off my shoulders after about the 14th time trying i decided to go the opposite way, so i ollied up it instead. It was pretty fun but i realized i do a lot better when looking up and ahead rather than down and away.

Giving up...

From levi and I roadtrip pics

why...

Why you would bother to move forward if you knew you were going to move double the space back?

I don't get why you lied to yourself man.

I don't why you have to interrupt the system.

All you had to do was glide through and you'd be okay.

Instead you went from top to bottom a second time.

I was proud of you man, happy that you were finally on my level.

Then when you realized you had control you had to lose it all for the same stupid reason.

You just could keep your mouth shut, I'm no one to judge but man your like my favorite book.

I know you inside and out, from one argument to the next you could never agree.

I know for a fact that you hate the choices you make.

So why do you fake it to be with them?

You so called friends...

They were just fine when you didn't do shit.

They didn't judge you, In fact they worshiped you for crying out loud.

They hung out with you because they thought you were a great person, not because you had the constant love for drugs that they had.

They just wanted to be friends but they took it to the next level.

You agreed to put yourself below the bar man.

The first drink the first sip the first dip and you came out high on life.

What for? To live on your own and become miserable?

I don't get it man, your my best friend yet you don't call me for anything.

Not even to say hello, you don't talk to me unless you want something from me.

I'm always there though, no matter what.

I listen to what your saying and I hear your thoughts loud and clear.

So why the fuck do you want so badly to get away from here?

Specially this way, why did you have to chose this way?

You think your going to make it big?

I set you up with a radio station man, you never called me.

They were going to let you play for them man.

Instead I never heard another word.

If music is your passion like poetry is mine then you shall succeed.

But if you keep living like this you will become a deadbeat fool.

At the age of twenty-five you will become lost and hopeless and for what?

I was proud of you man, but you left the lead role to another part.

Instead you become guard one and I lead the part.

We were suppose to graduate this year man instead I can't share that with you.

Because of this I can say I've done more than you, I've earned more respect than you and now I'm smarter than you.

For you have no self control in that brain of yours.

Your a follow man, I wish you could follow me.

You don't belong with the people you hang with your better than that man.

I don't understand how you don't understand that it's all who you hang with that makes you, you.

If you hang with the right crowd you will become more like them, no matter what.

Drop outs, I don't understand you didn't even call.

I don't understand what the fuck made you drop the ball?

Was it that retarded aggression toward your parents oppression?

Or do you really think you can make your own home in this life alone?

Seriously in a repossession you think of hopping on trains and living the good life of being a bum.

You wish to eat creamed corn out of a can rather than live up to be a man.

In all truths, I was proud of you man but you let me down.

Your no better than you were before you left, your the same lost soul I wish to protect.

But I can't because we don't see eye to eye.

I understand you and you understand me but you don't understand yourself or the world that's fit to come.

Yeah, you can work for the rest of your life if you want to but I plan on being in retirement.

You'll get no where on drugs and if your lucky your family will take you back.

Just remember man I love you but you gotta pick up the slack.

You say you act like a man yet you can't stand being told what to do.

You say you have respect but what I see is nothing to be proud of.

You had us all going for awhile, until this.

I wish good luck and I will never say goodbye because your my best friend the least you could do is lie.

back to square one.

From Drop Box

My life looks so easy compared to those around me. So why does it seem like it's so hard.

I Wake up every day10 to 6 clocks fast.

I lean up, hit the snooze to make my night last.

I get up finally and debate upon breakfast before a shower.

I usually win.

By the time I get to class my life seems a little dumb down.

My mind seems a little bit slower than the day before it.

I listen to peoples problems and don't care about my own.

A hypocrite I have become.

Why? Because wanting to be something isn't enough .

I want to be a great person, one who influences people to do better.

Instead I yell with overbearing power while no one listens except me.

I can scream I can shout but nobody cares about seniority.

No respect because the words I speak are as common as flies.

Everybody's heard, it's the same thing over and over.

For me to scream at an individual for what I'm doing is disgusting.

Despicable, I am for being the hypocrite.

Disgusted at the way I try to prove myself.

I figure I should just stop, I don't know what drives me anymore.

By the time I get home I'm comforted by people who could care less and probably do.

No support backing me since I was 9.

I come home to an empty house filled with people.

Talk of nothingness and acts of shrewd justice..

It's like living alone knowing the life you have outside your home is the only life you enjoy.

No relaxation, no free time and when there is some I'm always doing something else.

Moving away wouldn't make much of a difference besides the fact that if I go down alone I'd have debt to pay.

Always negative, the principals my family has bestowed upon me.

Laziness, they never set good examples, I had to learn from spending the night friends.

I had to learn a lot and for what? To feel like this?

It's not right.

Nobody's right but anythings better than this.

I'm going to move away from here and not care what's behind me.

I'm going to be long gone so I can never speak to any of them.

So that they can never give my kids the negative thoughts they once gave me.

If they even live that long.

The laziness, death is a just outcome of this.

For if you don't care about yourself, how can you care about others.

Which is why, they don't care about me.

I'm alone when im at home, it's the most depressing place to me.

I wish I could be dedicated to something, I wish I could be a better person.

I wish I was never raised like this.

I see the smiles on peoples faces at school.

It brightens up my day.

To go back home, will always be the death of me as long as I pick up after these people.

I can no longer hide from my depression.

I know longer enjoy anything I use too, I do things because I'm told.

I can't delve into anything I use to enjoy.

I'm so sick of what I use to love to do and what I had a passion for.

It's like my spirit is gone.