Feeling without feeling.

Crying without you.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
Ignoring the rain, I have to ponder.
Do I care who I share mine with?
The life I carry, the burden or so?
Does my mind wonder, yes and no.
No feeling at all.
From my heart to yours, lets have a ball.
Crying with you, there's warmth in our tears.
Against you, solace in comfort.
Away, fingers grip nothing as air is often cold.
Eye's closed, forgetting how to hold.
The longer the distance, the time apart.
The more I miss you, straight from my heart.
Crying without you, or crying alone.
I feel no pain, I only wonder.
I forget who I am.
I forget who we are.
I lose myself without you.
While away, I don't remember.
Why this facade, this charade .
To say I don't care would be a lie.
Crying without you.
Ignoring the rain.
I want you to know about my pain.
I love you.

Facade

I've opened so many pages to express myself.
Sad and defeated I write the same two stanzas.

Focus on one thing at a time.
A list of words runs through my mind.

Deep and heartfelt pauses.
Nothing there.

To convey what makes me, me.
To write down who I am.

To continue to explain. Stuck in this same formula. Written words actually keeping me down instead of expressing why I frown. Cheap rhymes to make myself think I'm lyrical. Often hysterical, too caught up in one breath to remember the next. My heart stops beating. Cold I wonder through. All the pleasantries all the amenities. Thankful,thankless. Careless.

My heart hurts as it sinks lower than any other time before. My mind just under the sunrise. My lungs dark and full. My body ill, my face still. My hands jittery and my legs weak. No strength to stand, no strength to be. No will to continue, no memory.

My mind floats on these empty notions. Continue! it hurts. The thoughts echoing. no thoughts heard. face still, eyes wondering. The things I want to see. The day dream that ends it all. The expression, speechless. The amount it takes, the push forward the shove against.

My ears.. bleed with lies. The facade, dedicated. The hurt, the sorrow. The unwillingness to follow. My hands the only thing there. The only stopping power. Metaphorically and and physically. Two ways two walls. They search for answers as they grip the back of my skull. Wishing and wanting to tear away this mask. This facade, this person. To get rid of it, to shed the skin of what he is. To leave this person. To put him away. Shut him out. Fingers digging and prying. Nails dirty, blood drying. Hair matted, warm and thin. Hands cracking, dried. Living this this fucking life is a lie!

No outlet no trust. So embarrassed to just be me. So beaten its sad. To wake up with a new lie is all i wish. To wake up and fly. To jump to learn, to leap your turn!  Knees weak and feeble. crashing down. The crack loud. the pain astounding. The bat against the head, pounding. Teeth grit, bits sharpen. Eyes, waterfall. Ears bleeding. The heart, oh the heart. People, others just keep kicking.

Nothing I want is here. Nothing here is fulfilling. Nothing I've ever wanted. To give it my all, is all I've ever done. Just so angry. So sad. to lift a finger is too much to not lift it enough is too little.

So conflicted. SO CONFLICTED. SO CONFLICTED! These people are not me, so why do I try to be them. These people, These people, These people! Just give a little thought. But then....

I don't lift a finger. too defeated. too fearful. to afraid to even say. Too much going on at once, too much. Just too much!  I want this off my mind, i want this out of my site. I want this, I WANT THIS, I WISH TO BE BLIND. I wish to be felt sorry for to wonder no more. to have my fucking spoon. to live this fucking womb, i want it to be silver. I want to be with me. I want never to be away. I want never to have it be this way. I WANT MYSELF TO NEVER GIVE UP.

Physically! Oh Physically. The pain i've felt and endured. shit sucks i hate it, but it makes me feel. I feel something there. I hate it so much. So much! but its the only time happiness is there. The fight after the accomplishment. the rest, or even during. I dont know what im saying anymore i just can't stand this. this fucking life. It's not exciting. it's uninteresting. It's boring. I'M BORING! I hate it. I never paid attention. to carry a casual conversation. I fuck it all up. Everyone so much better. So high and mighty. To live your life like your a god among men. to spoon feed yourself lies. The confidence i wish i had. The uneasy feeling. the butterflies gone. God damn it i just wish i didn't have it all fucking wrong.

All fucking wrong... I hate it. i want more of something else. My mind full, my heart heavy. My fucking body sluggish. All fucking wrong! Hate, Hate. i've never hated myself so much before. My worst critique. My worst enemy.

My worst enemy. Myself. To type, to write. To express my hate. I want to pound this keyboard. i want to throw this laptop across the room. I want it to smash the mirror in front of me. I want to step on the many pieces that lay on the floor. Pick up the shards and watch my face in disgust. I want to hate So badly.  So much inside. Two Different People. TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. same mind, same sign. same name. same person. Same people. people, how i act, [people how i am ] PEOPLE too much.

I just hate him so much. I want to be the other person. I want to rip away this facade and go crazy to live life as if it didn't fucking phase me. To have no memory of being so weak. To fight everyone, every day. to fight it all off so i can stay. To become one with myself. to find myself, to live with myself. To be, to be! TO BE ME! I want to live!

That cloud. Where.

What ever it is, it haunts me.
It's been with me since i can remember.

It's cold.
It hurts.

It isn't learned.
It just happens.

I want to forget it. but it's so strong.
Turning days i enjoy into wrong.

It's like i can't try.
As if everything's a lie

It looms over.
It waits on my shoulders.

Consciousness.

There's only so much to give.

Giving anymore empties my soul.
Feeling as if nothing will ever make me whole.

Not that i haven't made bad life choices.
But i love what i've done.

I just...

Can't.

Context, unbecoming.
People, maybe, wondering.

Colorful words read description.
Maybe i do need a prescription.

I need something to keep me going.
All this hate, just keeps growing.

I haven't used an outlet in some time.

Anything i can think of.

i can't lift a finger.
My body, the cloud lingers.

heart heavy, breathing slow.
As if my body just didn't know.

just...


just.


maybe.

People.

What I want to do and what I want to become.
Right now I'm just waiting.
Waiting for every one else to be done.

Get out while you can, all of you.

Hate your lives while you have the comfort to wait.

Your world falls apart around you.

You band together, like minds equally miserable.
And for what?

So you can become the same person you were from the start.

Congratulations..