I hate myself, The cup Half full.

From Drop Box

lately I've been a little confused with my actions. I come home from a good day at school but wait, i feel stressed. Stressed about what? I ask my self, but i just don't know. I've been asking myself that for awhile ever since I've stopped doing what use to be fun to me. I've stopped playing video games and I've stopped reading books. The things I use to enjoy I just stopped doing. I use to think it was depression or maybe that something was wrong with me but I just couldn't figure it out.Today, of all days I kind of figured out why i have that stress and what enables it. The stress that is built up in me is ironically everybody else's. I realized that today after I had told a friend a story about a stupid underclassmen. That friend said, "Casey, you need to Empty your cup and become like Zen". After he said this I sat down and thought to myself, "I couldn't do it". Couldn't do what? I thought that I couldn't become like Zen. The the excuse I gave was that I can't stop caring about those around me. That friend said a quote from Buddhism which I don't remember, but included being your natural self in a way. I've always viewed the cup as half full but that wasn't my problem. I don't have a problem with myself at all, I am not the reason why I am stressed. It's the fact that I like listening to the little things people have to say. This is what gives me the power to help friends. This is my problem, this sounds a bit selfish, of which i do not ever intend to be, but as my friend said, "You need to empty your cup". I see now that I can care about myself and still care for others. This is why I have been stressed, recently I've been so worried thinking of what other people think and of what their views are of certain things that I have forgotten about myself. I care for a lot of people and I know I listen well which here lies my actually problem. ////////////// apparently my EGO knows no bounds seeing that, I've realized that i am single handedly one of the most cocky persons i know of. I can't say what my real problem is because in reality I don't think i have one. I mean sure I've got tons of problems that i need help with but... That's it, I just found my problem... I think too much. It's as simple as that, I overly think about everything that ever crosses me that I sometimes even under think things I know aren't important. In other words I know when to be useful and I know when to lay back but I never know when to stop thinking. This is what my friend said about emptying my cup, I need to just stop thinking about everybody else and focus on the simple things. Perhaps I've been enduring life for so long I've forgotten how to enjoy it. I say this because when ever I'm not with some one I act as if I'm in a jail cell waiting for my next visitor. I wait and think about everything that I've ever done and how it has effected me and the people around me. Then when i get a visitor I'm completely content with my decisions, but after they leave I go back to my cell and wallow in self thought in spite of my own accomplishments. My problem is that I think I secretly hate myself for being me. Which is why I never want to be like me again because when I'm real and down to earth people are scared and turned off. People think of Heaven as a beautiful place and I, well, I don't think of heaven, plane and simple. I see the silver lining in things that are real, not what the convoluted masses agree upon. Anyway, I've made a discovery from writing this. I've realized that I am still deeply hurt emotionally because of family issues and passed relationships that I in turn hate myself because I never want to be like these people. I worry so much about not being something that I have no time to be myself which brings upon the stress I carry from wanting to help others to any other thing I do. It's all too much. The reason I enjoy helping people is because I don't want to be like the people in the passed. Who knows, the mind is complicated and with how much I think about things I've ended up Hating it.